Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Category Archives: Blogwhoring
Welcome to Balls and Walnuts, Elissa and Stan!
Tonight, my friends Stan and Elissa called. I had tried to reach them earlier this week, and was alarmed to discover that their cell numbers, home number, and email addies were all defunct. I googled Elissa and found her at work (hey Elissa, WTF are they doing sticking you at the bottom of the page?), sent emails and left messages, and had begun to despair of ever finding them again.
Yes, yes, I could simply write to Elissa at her work, but you know me. Overdramatic to the hilt.
So to welcome them to Balls and Walnuts, I’d like to point them to a few posts I think they’ll enjoy.
First off, they’re cat people, so they might enjoy the heart-to-heart I had with Mist soon after we adopted her. And then there was the time Faithful and Emerald decided to decorate our bathroom. And guys, if you’re feeling lazy, you can at least check out Spidercat.
Stan may or may not appreciate my Thirteen Memories from Sophomore Year. That’s when I met Stan. And, no, I didn’t work in that story about the fire alarm and a certain Asian dormie clothed only in her loosely bound bathrobe, who, I am given to understand, showed signs of extreme chilliness that evening. I didn’t see it. I have only Stan’s word that it was memorable indeed.
While we’re on the Thirteens, Stan and Elissa have a healthy interest in sex, so I’m sure they’ll appreciate this post — featuring, among many other delightful things, How To Masturbate Your Pussy To Orgasm. (Cat relevance!)
Oh, and Elissa? I’ve been working out lately. Here’s my ass. (Sorry, Stan, just had to flirt with your wife.)
You guys haven’t seen Jake in a couple years, so this photo should bring you up to date.
Stan, to make up for that picture of my ass, I give you this and this.
Hopefully, my friends won’t be too shy. (That means: LEAVE A COMMENT, DAMN IT!) But in any case, would any of you like to suggest one or two favorites of your own?
D.
You, too, can be an art critic
Art Crit is an interesting concept blog:
Art Crit was created as a forum for artists to share their work and get some feedback on it from other artists as well as the casual passerby. Most artists have spent considerable time gazing, interpreting, being with art and have a lot of valuable feedback to give one another. Thus, their thoughts are welcome and appreciated. There is also a great value in the thoughts of those who haven’t inhabited the typical constructs of artists, perhaps these folks can think outside the box and share their ideas. In any event, everyone is encouraged to participate at Art Crit. Let us know your reaction to a given piece, what comes to mind, there’s no right way to share your thoughts.
My friend Kenney Mencher has posted a painting to Art Crit and he wants feedback. Go, look, comment. And while you’re at it, check out some of Art Crit’s other posts, too.
Here’s something else: Kenney has a VERY different take on blogging.
D.
Following in Blue Gal’s footsteps
Footsteps. I can’t use that word without thinking of Kenneth Mars’s line from Young Frankenstein, “Bootshteps, bootshteps!”
Blue Gal sent me and I followed: read Robust McManlyPants’s mini-rant on the horror of Parents Using the Internet.
My parents don’t email me. They forward damn near everything to me: racist jokes, rightwing diatribes, pyramid schemes, chain-emails, pro-Israel screeds. And they’re not racists, wingnuts, idiots, or blind supporters of Israel. I wonder if my dad even reads these things before he hits the forward button.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t mind if you folks send me funny emails . . . and in fact, if they’re good enough, I might even immortalize them on their very own page, as I did with Lyvvie’s email. Now, that’s a funny email.
D.
PS: the very demented and pregnant Michelle is having a book giveaway for Succubus Blues. Check it out.
Early morning shout
. . . goes to Erin O’Brien for her provocative review of Liquid Love, the G-Spot Explosion. The intertubes need more high quality film analysis like this. Oh, and she’s raffling off the film, too, now that it’s, ah, used.
Speaking as a physician, I haven’t made up my mind about female ejaculation, and since I’m not an ob-gyn, I guess I’ll never have to have a professional opinion on this. But in all the documentaries I’ve viewed*, this stuff looks voluminous. Unbelievably voluminous. Nevertheless, according to the Wiki, it’s not urine. And Aristotle knew about it, the old dog.
More information can be found at the-clitoris.com. Of course.
D.
*But as Wikipedia points out, these documentaries have a commercial interest in creating spectacular visual effects, and thus are a dubious source of clinical data.
Okay, folks, I’m tired of messing around.
I want to see Kris Starr’s athletic, toned ass. NOW. Go donate money to a highly worthy cause — only $21.50 to go, dammit. And now that I’ve pimped this contest twice, I’m expecting front AND rear views, thank you very much.
***
What kind of evolutionist am I? A piss poor one, evidently. I missed Charles Darwin’s birthday yesterday, but thankfully, Blue Gal didn’t. She’s supporting the First Freedom First petition and I am, too, so get your hineys (toned or otherwise) over there and sign. (KEY POINT, vis a vis Darwin: “Public schools should teach with academic integrity and without the promotion of religious preference or belief.”)
But if that’s too high brow for you, go spend some time at the Darwin Awards page. Or not, because if you do, you might ruin my surprise for Valentine’s Day.
***
And don’t fret about the Thursday Thirteen. I’ve got that covered.
***
And, oh, if y’all aren’t Corn Dog readers yet, what’s the matter with you? Great story here, and don’t skip the comments.
***
That’s it for now. In the comments, open mike for self-pimpage. Write anything primo recently? Let everyone know.
D.
The Starr Tukhas Challenge!
If you want to see Kris
look like this
then you need to enter Dean Cochrane’s Nearly Naked Challenge. All it takes is some of your cold, hard cash, people, and Kris will strut her bikini-clad stuff!
(Kris, how much extra for the purple dye job?)
D.
PS: Blogflux Pinger won’t ping for me anymore! I think it has something to do with my sexual content. Anyone know another pinging service I can use — one that is, perhaps, less discriminating?
Pimp yourself. You know you want to.
We bought a Sony eBook reader today. Yes, it’s pricy, and yes, it won’t wipe my virtual butt for me the way an HP iPAQ would, but I like the clean look of the page. And besides, we never use our frequent flier miles, so this seemed as good a use for our miles as any.
Below the fold: Pimp your eBook, guest blog at Balls and Walnuts, and more!
OMFG! OMFG! Cintra Wilson visits Balls and Walnuts!
Regulars here know how much I lurve author Cintra Wilson. Smart, funny, beautiful: what’s not to love? And you know, she could look like Marty Feldman and I’d still dig her.
But she doesn’t look like Marty Feldman, and that’s cool.
Cooler still, she found this post of mine, A Star-studded Golden Shower, and left a comment:
Rocks on the brain
‘Kay, everyone, Kris Starr has a contest, and it’s easy. (But Kris, you really expect me to believe that guy on the cover is a doctor? He looks younger than Doogie Howser at his youngest! And he doesn’t look like he’s had all the joy stomped out of him by med school and training. He . . . he looks like a pre-med. *Shiver.*) Michelle has a book giveaway, too!
I woke up this morning thinking about the Vasquez Rocks. You all know the Vasquez Rocks, unless you’ve spent the last 40 years or more never watching television, never going to any movies. You may not think you know the Vasquez Rocks, but you do.
Vasquez Rocks are an absolute trip for people like me and my son who love to rockclimb but don’t know a thing about it. And who don’t have proper shoes, not to mention proper equipment. Thanks to the formation of the rocks — a formation which makes them recognizable to damn near everyone — newbies like my son and me can climb to great heights with little risk of broken bones. And it’s always cool to be climbing a little bit of Hollywood history.
Here’s a short list of the Vasquez Rocks’ guest appearances:
Star Trek: The Original Series. Three episodes
Blazing Saddles
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Apache (1954)
Planet of the Apes (2001)
The Outer LimitsAustin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)
Army of Darkness (1993)
Dracula (1931)
Give up? Pic below the cut.
Evening grins
From Da Nator, Plumbing and Porn:
Now we’re talkin’ – those gay boys really know how to do it. And look, they have implants, too! On second thought, the idea of trying to fit several steroidal muscle boys into a tiny airplane bathroom is not all that appealing.
You know how I know you’re gay? You keep staring at pretty boy Brad Patton. (Sorry, just watched 40-Year-Old Virgin for the 41st time. Can’t help myself.)
And by way of Blue Gal, Longmire Does Romance — an exhaustive (exhausting!) font of snarky romance cover humor. My favorite: It Only Burns When I Pee. Check it out.
Okay, I had to get in on the act, too. Kate — what do you think?
And
Ooooh oooooh ooooh! Don’t miss this great viddy (hat tip to Maureen):
Effect of Drugs and Alcohol on Spider Webs
Must-see video. Don’t do drugs, chillun!
D.
PS: Join the John McCain googlebomb project!
. . . And imagine my delight to find out SHE’S JOINED OUR RANKS. That’s right, she’s blogging. Here’s a snip from Cintra’s recent rant on Tucker Carlson (entitled TUCKER CARLSON: A BIG GIRL’S BLOUSE OF A SNIVELING PRIGGOT):
There’s more, much more. Like many of my readers, she lurves her some Keith Olbermann (but be warned: there’s a disturbing bare-chested Dana Milbank Photoshop in that post). Listen to Cintra’s Podcast. The only thing better than reading the phrase “Our glorious Peckerwood in Chief” is hearing it spill from Cintra’s carmine lips.
So go, one and all: visit Cintra’s blog; scratch her virtual back; make her toes curl with your witty comments, and let her know she has Walnut to thank for it.
Cintra, I’ve linked you. You’re in your very own category: Major League Crushes.
D.