Butt cleavage bonanza

Recently, I received the following email from Chester Langgröd, CEO of Flickr:

Dear Mr. Walnut,

We were dismayed by the recent poor showing of Flickr versus our competitor, Google (Flickr and Google Go Toe to Toe), vis a vis cameltoe images. Indeed, we hold your competition largely responsible for last quarter’s shortfall in Flickr’s page views. We at Flickr consider it our solemn responsibility to become the internet’s slickest entry portal for viewers of salacious images, and have in recent weeks provided numerous incentives to our patrons, encouraging them to upload a wide range of unique and stimulating graphic content (see the recent Wall Street Journal article entitled Eager to Capture Soft Core Market, Flickr Pitches Big Tent).

Accordingly, we would like to encourage you to host a rematch, possibly using one of the following search terms:

ass bandit
ass crack
ass master

Seven pages of suggestions follow, concluding with:

well hung
wet beaver
X-rated.

I’m sure you will be pleased by our upgraded content.

Yours in faith,

Chester Langgröd, CEO

Okay, Mr. Langgröd, you’re on. However, since some of my readers are underage, I’m going to go with the somewhat tamer search term (which you did not suggest), butt cleavage. Let’s see how you and Google stack up.

Friends, some of these images may not be work safe.

We’ll begin by looking at entry pages. This is the best butt cleavage that Flickr’s first page has to offer:

Hmm. Thanks for the fashion tips, but I prefer butt cleavage I can sink my teeth into. I wonder how Google’s entry page compares?

From effing tool (really not a work safe site, btw):

Yes, indeed. Suggestive but demure, this baby-blue bikini-clad butt cleavage hints at warm, dark valleys, and soft, sea salt-speckled hills, truly an idyllic destination for any man’s (or woman’s) desires. What makes butt cleavage so irresistible for man and woman alike? This photo provides no answers but stimulates many questions. (Chief of which: Where are you?)

Sorry, Mr. Langgröd, but Google takes round one.

Perhaps Flickr will fare better on page two.

No points for titillation, but high marks for humor. Touché, Flickr! But the round isn’t over yet.

From the funny as hell Chris Moore.com’s History of Art.

Tres artsy-fartsy, Google, trying to appeal to our aesthetic sensibilities by posting William Bougaret’s depiction of Bathsheba, and tres sneaky, too. You know as a Son of David I can’t resist Bathsheba. But resist I must, for I despises me some sneaky. Flickr wins round two.

But come on, you guys. I want to see some CRACK, okay? Here’s Flickr:

Whoa! I wanted crack and did they ever give me crack. Be careful what you wish for. Though lacking in subtlety, this photo conveys the mood of a lazy, summer’s-afternoon snooze. After a mighty rogering.

Google has some catching up to do.

. . . but they’re not going to do it with stuff like this. Yeesh. Hairy and pimply. Not a good combo. Flickr wins round three!

Not bad, but this lacks clarity of concept. Nevertheless, if all Google can muster is another bepimpled cartoon derriere, Flickr may take this one and the match.

Who says it’s where the sun don’t shine? Although poorly focussed and heavily pixellated, this “action shot” grabs the imagination and gives it some good, hard yanks. Google takes round four, and we have a tie.

Gentlemen, it’s all up to page 5. Who gives better ass crack, Flickr or Google? Do your best. From Flickr,

This has it all, doesn’t it? Lesbian homoeroticism. Shapely butt cheeks. And a tooth-flossing tight bikini melvin. Google, you might as well give it up.

Huh? Whaa? (Oh, I get it. Christopher Guest’s chin.) Gee, Google. Nice way to not even try.

We have our answer. While Google comes on strong in its opening pages, Flickr wins the show through its superior staying power. Congratulations, Mr. Langgröd! Sorry I doubted you.

D.