Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
No good deed . . .
After hearing the diagnosis, I had a sit-down with Mist, our new black cat. I would have asked Ash, but I couldn’t get anything out of her but the F-bomb.
“You don’t know what it was like in that hell-hole,” Mist said, referring to the Humane Society shelter. “Ash and I were the smallest ones there. We had to give up more than a bit of tail just to stay fed.”
I sighed and decided to try one more time. “That still doesn’t explain how you got a sexually transmitted disease IN YOUR EYE.”
Ash chose this moment to saunter by, farting as she passed. “Fuck you, Meester Doctor know-eet-all.”
“Any more profanity out of you,” I said, “and we’re renaming you Ho-cat.”
With Ash’s distraction, Mist attempted to slip away. I picked her up by the scruff and set her down on the counter.
“We’re not done talking,” I said.
“Nice, sunny weather we’re having, Master. And may I say you’re looking rather buff these days? Rrroowr.”
“Not a chance. Talk, or no catnip.”
“Bastard.”
“You’re the one with an herb on your back. Now, talk. How did you and Ash get herpes in your eyes?”
Mist squeezed her conjunctivitis-afflicted eyes shut and tried to look as pathetic as possible. “Mmm –”
“No!” cried Ash. “Do not talk to ze angry bearded one. He vill only retarn us to ze slavery!”
“I am not sending you back to the shelter,” I said. “I’m boarding you at the animal hospital –”
“Zees eez vorse!”
“– because you’re both such pussies you won’t let me give you your medication.”
“I am no puszi,” said Ash. “Zose claw marks on your monkey-arm, zey are proof.”
I turned back to Mist. “Go on. Pay no attention to your psychotic sister.”
“Max!” She broke down, sobbing.
“Max?”
“A tom. An unfixed tom.”
This was getting stranger and stranger. “Unfixed? How could that be? The shelter spays and neuters all their cats.”
“Not ze eevil Max.” Ash paced closer and I backed away, eager to keep a distance between me and her savage claws. “He has ze scars, but ze gonads, zey are still zere.”
“An old cat fight injury,” Mist explained. “He fooled the shelter vet into thinking it was a surgical scar.”
Ash rubbed her front paws together. “He eez ze pervert, and one day, I vill make heem my bitch.”
“He made us –” Mist broke down in loud, wet sobs. “He made us do it doggy style!”
“Yes,” I said, “but in the eyes?”
Ash met my gaze full on. There was bloodlust in her bleary eyes.
“Ze varped bastard — he vatches too much ze human porn.”
***
Yes, our cats — which we adopted five days ago — have herpetic conjunctivitis. We tried and failed to give them their meds tonight, so we’ll be boarding them for the next one to two weeks. As I told their vet on the phone, “Even if we were successful, they would hate us forever for it. I would rather they hate you forever for it.”
D.
omg – ROFLMAO – I don’t know whether to laugh or do the ‘awwww’ cry. Poor babies!
So…you and I are blog ho’ing over at Kris’s place next week. I told her you’d do it. *hehehe* I’ve been looking for photos of her she’d hate me for posting (will just post them over on my spot if I can’t upload to hers – that’ll teach her).
Hi Doug. Herpes in the eyes of cats is pretty common. My cat Grendel had a very bad case of it once … it was a long and unpleasant recovery, with eye drops, hot compresses, L-lysine added to her food, and the elizabethan collar. What a good guy you are to adopt cats from the shelter 🙂
Yet another example of unpreditable pussies.
Tell them the next time they go for a pearl necklace, to find a Tom with better aim.
Good for you for adopting furbabies! 🙂
damn. This must be some kind of cosmic payback for something, dr d. Have you asked yourself what you (or karen or the kitties or Jake) did to deserve this?
Did you try the kitty wrapped in towel like a sausage routine?
Yeah. Smarter to send them to the vet and rack up those bills. I have a scar on my upper arm from trying the sausage thing on a cat, and he only needed oral meds.
Lyn, I’m still trying to think up a suitable torment for Kris. Should be a hoot.
Thanks, Crystal. Yup, I gather this is not uncommon. I hope it can’t spread to humans, because I know my son was wiping their eyes when he first noticed it, and he may not have washed his hands afterwards.
Trish, you know us Toms. We don’t give a damn where it lands 😉
Kate, yes, we wrapped them in a towel and they squirted out like greased pigs. Not fun at all.
Lol!!
My Sassy had Chlamydia in his eye. The vet had a great laugh – as did the staff at the doc-in-a-box where I was working at the time. Everybody knew I loved Sassy beyond reason and took great delight in teasing me. It does go away with patience, time and meds. Bless you for caring for the girls — and be good to them, Doug. Remember, they’ve been abused 🙂
I don’t charge too much for holdin’ pussies, Me Douglas. I am called th’ Cat-Whisperer at me place o’business. For a small ransom, I give ye me word that no pussy will ever harm ye again…;)
You truly crack me up, Doug. Funny stuff. 😀
That sucks about your cats, though. I hope they have a full recovery.
Thanks, folks. We’re eager to get them back so we can (once again) try to get them used to it. Mist is the friendly one, Ash the rebel, but even Ash seems interested in making friends.
Cap’n, you can hold all of my pussies any time you like (although perhaps I should ask Karen about this first. Ya think?)
I finally read this all the way through. I never heard of anything like this, but as I told you…coming from the Humane Society and being around other cats, it makes sense they’d get something. I didn’t realize they both had it. Hope they’ll be better soon. A tip for handling cats that need meds: wrap them and your arms with towels or use oven mitts to pick them up (Rita does this when she has to take her cats to the vet).
Still chuckling. Such a funny bit.
I love the Germanic accent on the cats.
Is it German? I thought it might be Spanish.
I thought it was French, but what do I know?
Poor kitties. Hope they come home healthy and not holding too much of a grudge.
Do you suppose they’re smart enough to hold a grudge against us and not the vet techs? I hope not.
A few years back I had to take my parents’ cat to the vet for a scratch across his eye and an abcess beneath it. This cat hated everyone with a vicious passion, which is how he got his name Ellis–it’s ELS, short for Evil Little Shit. Solid black and wicked, this cat. Anyway, they kept him overnight, cut his face open, did horrible things to him, locked him in a cage… yada yada. (IMO, totally justified payback for his years of attacking innocent toes at 2am!)
Well, I got him back the next afternoon, and I’ve never seen a cat so happy to see ANYONE. To this day, he adores me. I can hardly walk sometimes because he’s so busy rubbing on my legs and purring and adoring me. He doesn’t remember that I’m the one who took him to be tortured. He just remembers that I rescued him!
Hope your evil little shits have the same outcome!
… by the way, has anyone ever noticed that really mean cats tend to be small? Ellis is 8 and he looks like a 6 month old kitten still. We have a theory that meanness stunts a cat’s growth. Anyone else think that’s true?
[…] Kitties (redux)! By Walnut As you may recall, we had Ash and Mist for all of about three days before we had to bring them into the vet for an herpetic eye infection. Since they wouldn’t let us medicate them (well, they would, but they each required a blood sacrifice from us prior to each dosage), we boarded them at our animal hospital and let them take the brunt of Kitty Wrath. […]
[…] First off, they’re cat people, so they might enjoy the heart-to-heart I had with Mist soon after we adopted her. And then there was the time Faithful and Emerald decided to decorate our bathroom. And guys, if you’re feeling lazy, you can at least check out Spidercat. […]