Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Welcome to Balls and Walnuts, Elissa and Stan!
Tonight, my friends Stan and Elissa called. I had tried to reach them earlier this week, and was alarmed to discover that their cell numbers, home number, and email addies were all defunct. I googled Elissa and found her at work (hey Elissa, WTF are they doing sticking you at the bottom of the page?), sent emails and left messages, and had begun to despair of ever finding them again.
Yes, yes, I could simply write to Elissa at her work, but you know me. Overdramatic to the hilt.
So to welcome them to Balls and Walnuts, I’d like to point them to a few posts I think they’ll enjoy.
First off, they’re cat people, so they might enjoy the heart-to-heart I had with Mist soon after we adopted her. And then there was the time Faithful and Emerald decided to decorate our bathroom. And guys, if you’re feeling lazy, you can at least check out Spidercat.
Stan may or may not appreciate my Thirteen Memories from Sophomore Year. That’s when I met Stan. And, no, I didn’t work in that story about the fire alarm and a certain Asian dormie clothed only in her loosely bound bathrobe, who, I am given to understand, showed signs of extreme chilliness that evening. I didn’t see it. I have only Stan’s word that it was memorable indeed.
While we’re on the Thirteens, Stan and Elissa have a healthy interest in sex, so I’m sure they’ll appreciate this post — featuring, among many other delightful things, How To Masturbate Your Pussy To Orgasm. (Cat relevance!)
Oh, and Elissa? I’ve been working out lately. Here’s my ass. (Sorry, Stan, just had to flirt with your wife.)
You guys haven’t seen Jake in a couple years, so this photo should bring you up to date.
Stan, to make up for that picture of my ass, I give you this and this.
Hopefully, my friends won’t be too shy. (That means: LEAVE A COMMENT, DAMN IT!) But in any case, would any of you like to suggest one or two favorites of your own?
D.
You’re kind of the scary stalker kind of friend, aren’t you Doug.
Elissa: Stan…you won’t believe it! He found us.
Stan: Who? Wait..no. Not..
Elissa: (whispers) Yes. Doug. He found my bio on the work website. How could I be so stupid?!
Stan: Now don’t worry dear, he may just assume it’s some other Elissa Fink – there could be more than one. Go google yourself and find out.
Elissa: (ignores Stan and signs into her works e-mail) Oh Dear God! He’s e-mailed me at work – he knows where I work!
Stan: Calm down dear. Things will be fine. We can relocate again…
Elissa: He says nice things…wait; there’s a link.
Stan: Don’t click it!! I forbid you to click that link!
Elissa: What could happen?
Stan: He could find out your ISP and everything – maybe he’s become a super hacker or something!!
Elissa: Shhh! Holy Hell – there’s a picture of his ASS! That’s it. I’m getting the restraining order reinstated right now!! Oh but look…cute kid..
Stan: Poor lad…
Elissa: Oh Stan look…Kitties!!!
Stan:(slaps Elissa across the face) Snap Out Of It!! That’s how we got into the mess in the first place!! We’re going to the time-share in Hawaii right now; pack a bag.
I’m sorry – don’t know where that came from! I blame Monday Morning Writer’s Purge!!
Welcome Elissa and Stan!!
Oh, Lyvvie, that was wonderful 🙂
Oh Dougie – how we’ve missed you and Karen! Just a little bit of your blog is almost as good as being there… but not quite. You’re both good cooks and so the food thing is sorely missing. Although I must say Jake with the bagels is quite appealing. What a cute smile. Lyvvie got that part right on.
And thanks for leopard-skinned ass pic – you’re looking mighty fine, my friend! It’s the ass of a much younger man, for sure!
By the way, Lyvvie, your imagined recap was quite good… If we didn’t love and know Doug so well, that may have been how it went down.
Also, Stan’s the major worrier and Elissa is the “hey it’s all going to be o.k.” person. That, and the fact that we’re more likely to call each other “dumbshit” or “fuckhead” rather than “dear”. (Doug – I can say that in your blog comments, can’t I?) But overall, very good!
So Doug, 2 new fans for the Blog! We’ll be reading regularly and commenting at least occasionally. Can’t wait to see you in person, although this is a good second to being there.
Much love and many kisses!
P.S. I do reserve the right to retract this if we sound too stupid, trite or suburban.
The (really) was unnecessary. No one else calls me Dougie 🙂
Again, welcome!
I’ll work on the edits asap!
Is calling you Dougie the only give-away? What about the recognition of your younger man’s ass?
Stan says I could have also called you Scott – that would have been a dead give-away.
So D.S. (which clearly stands for Douglas Scott, and very obviously NOT anything else), I actually got a co-worker in trouble today based on your leaving me messages which I never received. Oh the power! I’ve been taking a whole f-load of shit at work so it was sadly refreshing to have someone apologize and grovel to me. Must make a note to work on increasing the number of inbound grovels while reducing or maintaining the number of outbound grovels.
P.S. Lyvvie – you’re a hoot (which is a good thing in my world).
Elissa, you’re not supposed to let on that you recognize my ass.
Congrats for making that employee respect your authoritay!