Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Flickr and Google go toe to toe
In high school, we called them crackers. They functioned as eye magnets and brain-befuddlers, distracting us from the joys of higher learning. A teenage boy cannot not look at a cameltoe.
No, no, not that.
I almost changed my mind about writing this post. Could I stoop this low? But this very afternoon in the grocery store, I heard a muzak version of the Beach Boys’ Kokomo, which everyone under 35 knows as The Camel Toe Song.
Clearly, a Higher Power was speaking to me.
Here is the key question: who has the better camel toes, Flickr or Google? To make it a fair contest, I set my Google filter to intermediate. If you use an unfiltered search, you get lots of camel toe in the raw. And as much as I might like camel toe in the raw, it’s not a true camel toe unless there’s clothing in the way.
Let the competition begin.
The Great Camel Toe Race of 2006
And they’re off! Google takes the early lead with this Athletic Camel Toe,
which, while fuzzy, captures the true spirit of Toeness, the Platonic Ideal of Toe; Flickr, on the other hand, loses points for squick factor:
Seriously. Does anyone want to think about Elmo’s genitalia? After a lapse like this, can Flickr possibly get back into the running? Perhaps:
Sultry Camel Toe ain’t bad, but the whole thing feels staged — not spontaneous and joyful, like Athletic Camel Toe. Meanwhile, on Google . . .
Google smokes another with (A) Celebrity Camel Toe (Kelly Ripa)! (B) Spontaneous Toe! (C) Sincere Toe! (Get a load of the look on her face.) Yeah, I don’t know if Flickr can ever catch up. Maybe we should search for cameltoe instead of camel toe. In fairness, we’ll do the same on Google.
Here’s Flickr. Hmm.
Not bad, not bad. It has a certain visceral appeal, but the disproportion — the whopping HUGE toe combined with the anorexic waistline — whispers vagina dentata to my little brain. I want to know what’s in those pink pants, and I don’t want to know. I’m conflicted. I want Google.
Aaaah. Heidi Klum. Not my ideal woman, but a search for “Jacqueline Kim camel toe cameltoe” gets me bupkes. Anyway, note Ms. Klum’s overall better sense of proportion relative to Huge Toe. Here’s a toe to savor. One needn’t fear falling in, disappearing beyond the Toe Event Horizon.
But wait — I messed up. I forgot to change the Google Search term to cameltoe.
Hey! That’s not a camel toe. That’s a melvin. There’s a subtle, sadistic difference between the two. Back to Flickr:
No. Tweety Toe? Has Flickr no decency? First, Elmo, now Tweety. And I’m not even going to waste bandwidth with Morbid Obesity Camel Toe or Elvis Camel Toe. If I look at any more Flickr camel toe, I’ll have to swear off toe for life.
Google Images wins the race, toes down. As for me, I need to get the taste of Tweety out of my mouth.
Life is very good.
D.
Hey, everybody! Welcome to Balls and Walnuts. Be sure to catch the exciting butt cleavage rematch!
Did you notice the race car driver toe was wearing a hot wheels costume? don’t those people think? that combo might scar small boys, big time.
I do love how entirely shameless you are in your search for readers. [whistles and applause]
Scar me, scar me!
Wait. I’m not a minor anymore.
What a lovely post. Tweety is classic. And it would have been boring without your writing about it. Excellent.
Well done. I only hope you’ll do a pocket rocket post for us girls some time in the future.
Hot Wheels – no kidding. Whew!
Blue Gal, I hate it when I get the feathers between my teeth.
Sheila, I’ll consider it. I’ll need my wife to judge. She says: “Fine. Just as long as I don’t have to take any pictures of you.”
Dean: the hottest.
Meanwhile — 3500 words today, woo-hoo! I’m going to try for an even 4000. My betas can expect another email tomorrow night, after I’ve had a chance to proofread.
Can’t see…can’t get Elmo Camel Toe out of eyes!
Vagina Dentata, Vagina Dentata–maybe she has a dentist stuck in there after all. Actually, Douglas, ye should try an’ write a sea shanty about that one.
Cap’n gives her apologies, but she has t’get up now and walk around for awhile…OUCH!
I think…I’m just…I uhm…yeah.
You know they make little nipple covers so women don’t have to be embarrassed about nipple erections, I wonder why they’ve nver invented discreet protection from camel toe….I may be onto something.
Lyvvie?
Quite the opposite.
[…] […]
[…] Blue Gal cited yours truly as an example of a brainful blogger who somehow makes it work. Never mind that 90%* of the hits you see below are to my cameltoe page. (Phrased differently: when it comes to blogospheric success, be careful what you wish for). Even if most of my blog’s visitors are singlehanded-typing teenaged boys, I still have what I really want: an audience. You guys. The ones who read my blog even if I don’t put up any kewl graphics. […]
[…] We were dismayed by the recent poor showing of Flickr versus our competitor, Google (Flickr and Google Go Toe to Toe), vis a vis cameltoe images. Indeed, we hold your competition largely responsible for last quarter’s shortfall in Flickr’s page views. We at Flickr consider it our solemn responsibility to become the internet’s slickest entry portal for viewers of salacious images, and have in recent weeks provided numerous incentives to our patrons, encouraging them to upload a wide range of unique and stimulating graphic content (see the recent Wall Street Journal article entitled Eager to Capture Soft Core Market, Flickr Pitches Big Tent). […]
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[…] Regular readers know I’m a devotee of La Toe, so imagine my dismay at seeing Camel Toes in the skanky column! Not! But under Sexy, we have Peep Toes. Peep Toes? Are they talking about this, […]
I found a very funny cameltoe video at http://www.camel-toe.net/cameltoethemovie.htm
after cracking up I decided I had to become a member.
AHHHHH!