Flickr and Google go toe to toe
In high school, we called them crackers. They functioned as eye magnets and brain-befuddlers, distracting us from the joys of higher learning. A teenage boy cannot not look at a cameltoe.
No, no, not that.
I almost changed my mind about writing this post. Could I stoop this low? But this very afternoon in the grocery store, I heard a muzak version of the Beach Boys’ Kokomo, which everyone under 35 knows as The Camel Toe Song.
Clearly, a Higher Power was speaking to me.
Here is the key question: who has the better camel toes, Flickr or Google? To make it a fair contest, I set my Google filter to intermediate. If you use an unfiltered search, you get lots of camel toe in the raw. And as much as I might like camel toe in the raw, it’s not a true camel toe unless there’s clothing in the way.
Let the competition begin.
The Great Camel Toe Race of 2006
And they’re off! Google takes the early lead with this Athletic Camel Toe,
which, while fuzzy, captures the true spirit of Toeness, the Platonic Ideal of Toe; Flickr, on the other hand, loses points for squick factor:
Seriously. Does anyone want to think about Elmo’s genitalia? After a lapse like this, can Flickr possibly get back into the running? Perhaps:
Sultry Camel Toe ain’t bad, but the whole thing feels staged — not spontaneous and joyful, like Athletic Camel Toe. Meanwhile, on Google . . .
Google smokes another with (A) Celebrity Camel Toe (Kelly Ripa)! (B) Spontaneous Toe! (C) Sincere Toe! (Get a load of the look on her face.) Yeah, I don’t know if Flickr can ever catch up. Maybe we should search for cameltoe instead of camel toe. In fairness, we’ll do the same on Google.
Here’s Flickr. Hmm.
Not bad, not bad. It has a certain visceral appeal, but the disproportion — the whopping HUGE toe combined with the anorexic waistline — whispers vagina dentata to my little brain. I want to know what’s in those pink pants, and I don’t want to know. I’m conflicted. I want Google.
Aaaah. Heidi Klum. Not my ideal woman, but a search for “Jacqueline Kim camel toe cameltoe” gets me bupkes. Anyway, note Ms. Klum’s overall better sense of proportion relative to Huge Toe. Here’s a toe to savor. One needn’t fear falling in, disappearing beyond the Toe Event Horizon.
But wait — I messed up. I forgot to change the Google Search term to cameltoe.
Hey! That’s not a camel toe. That’s a melvin. There’s a subtle, sadistic difference between the two. Back to Flickr:
No. Tweety Toe? Has Flickr no decency? First, Elmo, now Tweety. And I’m not even going to waste bandwidth with Morbid Obesity Camel Toe or Elvis Camel Toe. If I look at any more Flickr camel toe, I’ll have to swear off toe for life.
Google Images wins the race, toes down. As for me, I need to get the taste of Tweety out of my mouth.
Life is very good.
Hey, everybody! Welcome to Balls and Walnuts. Be sure to catch the exciting butt cleavage rematch!