Thirteen incriminating statements

One of the problems with being shameless is that I have no chance whatsoever of (successfully) running for political office. My opponent would skewer me with my own words — as, for example, when I said yesterday, “I am no longer a sexual predator.” (So, Dr. Hoffman, when did you stop being a sexual predator?)

But I feel bad for my future opponent’s research team. I mean, on this blog I’ve written so much, it will take them days to dig up the necessary dirt. In kindness to them, I have assembled the following thirteen incriminating and/or embarrassing items (that ‘sexual predator’ one? That’s a freebie).

Hmm. Just thought of something.

Jake, you reading this? Stop.

Now we can get started.

1. Borderline bestiality. “When I die, I want to be reincarnated as a bonobo. Those little bastards are at it constantly.”

2. Blatant disrespect towards the Office of the Presidency. “Dubya’s second term would be far more successful if Laura cut the librarian act and pushed his head into the thatch once in a while.”

3. Startling revelations. “In my ignorance of the vagina, I had discovered the rim job.”

4. Bestiality, Part 2.

Calum: Why would a chick do something like that?

Edgar: Dunno. Maybe her bloke got tired of gettin’ feathers up his bill.

5. Sexual indiscretion. “. . . [T]hose chiselled bodies serve to remind me that I would totally suck as a gay guy.”

6. Pedophilia.

Girls so young they have acne on their tender buttocks!

7. An obsession with rim jobs, Part 2.

If you’re gonna do the ultimate deed, I say revel in it. None of this sugar or jelly or honey. Who wants a sticky butt? You ought to be more considerate of the rimmee.

Just sayin’.

8. An unhealthy interest in artificial dog balls.

9. Not to mention a fascination with an act considered sodomy in most Southern states.

Incidentally, if I had to choose between giving up fellatio or cunnilingus, I’d give up fellatio. No shortage of good things a woman can do to a penis, but there’s no substitute for the old chow-down.

In that post, I also shared my most precious fantasy. That one will surely get me fried by the pundits.

10. Pedophilia, Part 2. I mean, seriously: admitting that a children’s book gave me wood? So not cool.

11. Bestiality, Part 3.

What? You doubt that I can satisfy you? I have but few words for you: two penises. When one tires, the other takes over. I can last all night. Can your human lovers say as much?

12. Blanket statements which will surely make me lose women’s votes.

If a girl lets you touch her naked ass, she’ll let you go all the way.

Yeah, they would have to take that one out of context — my brother said that, not me. But those oppo researchers are bastards. You know it’s true.

And if that isn’t bad enough, there’s always . . .

13. Racial insensitivity. White racists will hate me for hugging a black woman. Black men will hate me for hugging a black woman. Black women will hate me for making a joke out of hugging a black women.

I am so totally screwed.

And if all that’s not bad enough, there’s always my ass, my ass, my almost-naked bod, and my naked bod.

You want to know the saddest part about this Thirteen? It really didn’t take me long to put this together. I could probably do it again next week with a whole different set of incriminating statements.

Leave a message and I’ll give you some hot linky lurve whether you’ve written a Thirteen or not. You know you want it.

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thursday thirteen

D.