Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
The fruit: looking vs. squeezing
Well, Karen liked my post yesterday (Alchemy) but I think I worried her.
“I’m afraid you’re bipolar,” she said last night. I’m waiting for me to fuck up, and she’s waiting for me to plummet from my high. Neither of us have experience with this optimism thing.
One of the best things about our new relationship: I am no longer a sexual predator. (Yet another sentence which will ruin forever my chances to be elected to political office . . . which, hey! gives me an idea for a Thursday Thirteen.) Lemme ‘splain. I have Male Roving Eyes, and in the gym or in grocery stores my brain and my legs tend to wander, too. I don’t exactly stalk these women, but I have to go down that canned vegetables aisle one more time to —
Well, for no good reason, that’s why.
But, now? Beautiful women still show up on my radar but I no longer feel like a missile tracking system locking onto a target. I see them, I appreciate them, and my mind lets them go. It’s nice. I no longer feel like I deserve the adjective creepy.
I look at the fruit but I don’t squeeze it. Well. I haven’t squeezed it for a long, long time, anyway. Back in 10th grade Algebra/Trig, the cheerleader who sat in front of me must have realized those were my knees digging into her ass, but she never said anything about it and never rearranged her furniture so that I couldn’t do that to her. (It took me about twenty years to realize just how easily she could have avoided my knees, which meant, omigod, she liked it. Am I wrong? But at that stage in my life, I was so used to girls ignoring me that I figured she didn’t even realize my knees were there.)
Karen knows about my roving eyes (the spittle hanging off my chin is a good clue) and tolerates it. She’s an ultra-realist, so unless something has a negative effect on her or Jake, she doesn’t mind it. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if either one of us were seriously tested . . . you know, if for example I were out of town and an aroused Russell Crowe walked into her bedroom, or if Jacqueline Kim walked into mine. What would we do? How much can we boast about our 24 years of faithfulness (counting courtship) if we haven’t been tested?
Eh. It’s not likely to happen any time soon. Neither one of us is a knockout and we’re both shy, especially around strangers. We’re not the kind of folks who attract seducers.
But I was talking about looking vs. squeezing. A long time ago, we were on a road trip and had stopped at a gas station to fuel up. Karen went to use the bathroom while I scrubbed the windows and filled up the tank. While working at this, I noticed a small woman with long, dark hair and immediately thought, Nice. My type. I saw her from behind, which is one of my preferred views of a woman, and I watched her for as long as I could, always in that low-key predator mode, a looker but not a squeezer.
Karen turned around.
I had to explain to her why I was laughing so much. Surprise, that’s all it was, but also a measure of delight, since for once I knew I’d be squeezing me some fruit.
I often wonder how she feels about her body — a body which has betrayed her and robbed her of so much. She can’t possibly view it with as much joy as I do.
And now I had better shut up before she accuses me again of being manic.
Now, if only I could get her to pose nude for a few photos. I wonder if nagging would work. Imagine me whining, “But SxKitten poses for Dean!”
D.
I’m so glad that you’re in a happy phase 🙂 And so far, still funny, so no worries there. Good luck getting Karen to pose… I’ve had nothing but love shown for my photo (and thank you for inspiring / challenging me, and throwing me in the way of so many cool people!)
Great post. Since I only get whistled at these days if I’m blocking a parking space, I don’t have much to worry about.
I did get semi-groped by a doctor a few years ago, who was ‘comforting’ me as he told me my son had an ear infection. I didn’t have the heart to tell him my son got 3 ear infections a year. He was kind of young and hot, but wondering why he was hugging on a plump older woman with a sick kid squicked me out so much I couldn’t get even a little thrill.
I hope that one day I’ll find a man who thinks/talks about me the way you think/talk about Karen.
Renee, I’m delighted with you for doing that photo. I must confess I was a little worried when Erin posted it at her place, since some of those guys . . . I dunno. But I think they all liked your tushy as much as I did.
Indeed a squicky story, Robyn. I can’t even begin to imagine feeling it necessary to comfort a mom whose kid had an ear infection . . . let alone grope her, too.
noxcat — I hope so, too 🙂