Good eats

It has been ages since I blogged about sex — four whole days, if you count my recent nut sack memoir. When I look back at the past few days, I have to ask myself: Why all this angst over the state of medicine, when I could be talking about oral sex?

Check out that photo of Einstein. Not too many people know this, but it was this very photo which snagged Marilyn Monroe. One look at it and you just know Al could do the velvet bandsaw.

I contend that there isn’t enough oral sex in the world. Dubya’s second term would be far more successful if Laura cut the librarian act and pushed his head into the thatch once in a while. Dubya has clearly forgotten that his primary job is to serve the people, and service begins at home. Get lickin’, George! Look at your dad smoochin’ Barbara in the bleachers. G.H.W. Bush knows what to do with his mouth. All those goofy things Babs said at the Astrodome? That’s cuz G.H.W. had just sucked her silly, and 9/10 of her blood supply was devoted to a raging case of fem wood.

Yeah, there’s not enough oral sex in the world, especially among the religious right and the neocons. Clearly, if they aren’t getting any, they don’t want anyone else to, either. You know what we need? We need a bumper sticker campaign.

Fortunately for the world, the times may be changing.

A recent study reported that half of all teens in America (ages 15 to 19) have had oral sex. This study had a couple of interesting angles. First, numbers of guys and girls on the giving end were roughly equal, thus dispelling any sexist notions you might have that guys were browbeating their girls into going down on them. Go guys! You’ve clearly learned an important life lesson: ‘Tis better to give than to receive. Or, Thou shouldst damn well give if ye expect to receive. Something like that.

Second, and most disturbingly, there’s a trend among today’s youth to regard oral sex as a less than intimate act. Remember the baseball rules of high school sex? In my day, oral sex was a triple. Nowadays, it’s a walk.

Honestly, I don’t understand this. Your mouth is your most intimate organ. Think about it! It’s right next to your brain. You talk with it. You eat with it.

French kissing is the most intimate sex act. Sixty-nine is a close runner up. Screwing? It doesn’t even come close.

Doesn’t it say something that you can be unconscious and have intercourse? Only one person needs to be awake, and I’m not even sure about that. Considering the fact that guys get wood during REM sleep, it might be possible for two lovers sleeping in the buff to just sort of roll against each other in just the right way. It could happen.

I wonder if Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar have oral sex. Considering that Michelle has had fourteen vaginal deliveries, the possibilities are, well, wide open.

Me: Aw, come on. I got myself all hot and bothered writing tonight’s blog.

Karen: No. Uh-uh. This is a slippery slope —

Me: Hopefully.

Karen: If I give in to you on this, you’ll do nothing but blog about sex. Think how bad that will be for your traffic.

Me: Shows what you know.

Parting shot:

Wilma Flintstone or Betty Rubble? To hell with that; did you ever see any of the episodes where Pebbles and Bam Bam had grown up? I’ll take Pebbles. She looked tasty. Betty & Wilma were frumpy to the max.

D.

Walnut, October 21, 2005. Category: Humor, Sex.

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