Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Prevailing wisdom
I’ve decided the only way to ensure a windless day at the beach is to bring a kite.
Yes, we had another warm, clear weekend, so I convinced the boy that he needed to get some sunshine. Off with the shoes and socks, off with the tee shirts (we don’t get to do that very often around here), and into the water — knee-deep, anyway.
Here’s my flickr image for the week. The magic number is 4416:
Hat tip to this photographer for the image. It isn’t our beach, but it’s close.
I’m in goofy-land right now, coasting on two hours of sleep. Even with the warm sand below me, the fresh air above, and the sound of the surf all around, I still couldn’t sleep on the beach, barely even dozed. Of course, it didn’t help that Jake kept running back to tell me something or another. I gave up. I took a walk.
The sight of a better-than-Oregon-average body in a bikini jogged the memory that fuels today’s post. I thought of all the dumb things an older brother tells his younger brother about sex, and two things came to mind:
Rule #1
See that woman in a bikini? That’s the best her body is ever going to look.
The idea being that a woman’s naked body is inferior to her bikini-clad body. Sorry, uh-uh, I don’t think I bought that as a kid and I certainly don’t buy it as an adult. Nevertheless, it’s lodged in my memory like a caraway seed.
But here’s the really fun one:
Rule #2
If a girl lets you touch her naked ass, she’ll let you go all the way.
That’s another one I never believed but haven’t forgotten. It certainly didn’t apply to my teenage gropefests. I never even put it to the test. I mean, can you imagine?
“But, but, I don’t get it! You let me touch your ass. Surely . . .”
Where did my brother get this stuff, anyway? From other guys, no doubt, and I became the next receptacle for a flawed meme.
***
The rest of this became a vent on how I managed as a thirteen-year-old to talk myself out of a hedonistic lifestyle. Nothing anyone wants to hear, I’m sure.
You know what would be fun? In the comments, tell me your dumbass rules — things you told your younger siblings, or things your friends or older siblings told you. You know — like how you can prevent VD by peeing afterwards. That kind of thing.
D.
Poor Doug – nothing worse than insomnia (unless it’s touching someone’s ass and finding out that’s as far as it’s going, buddy…) Why didn’t you ask for insomnia cures, instead?
When I have insomnia, I sleep on the couch with the TV on. It works. Sometimes. Sort of.
Unfortunately nothing as exciting as yours. My sisters were 12 & 13 years older, so I didn’t even get anything good from them. They were too much like mothers. (Love having 3 mothers… ah.. yah..)
I convinced my younger cousin that my plastic globe yoyo-thing on a string had a special sensor that wouldn’t let me hit his face, even tho it came close. I don’t remember if I hit him in the nose or not, but I remember getting *very* close. And, he believed me! But, it wouldn’t work if he used it. I wasn’t stupid.
Rella
Oh, I can cure insomnia. Trouble is, when I have fresh tonsils ‘out there,’ I have to stay relatively drug-free. No pharmacotherapeutics por moi. (Tonsillectomy patients can bleed for up to 10-14 days post-op, and if they do, they’ll probably need me.) How about insomnia cures that don’t involve prescription drugs?
I liked that one, Rella. Thanks for delurking!
“If you’re on top, you won’t get pregnant”.
Thankfully (at the time) my tipped organs and other problems kept it from happening anyhow.
Leslie, is it a gravity thing? You know, the guys all swim the wrong way or something?
Reminds me of that sex scene in The Big Lebowski . . .
[…] 12. Blanket statements which will surely make me lose women’s votes. If a girl lets you touch her naked ass, she’ll let you go all the way. […]