Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Someone has to speak out for all the dicks of the world
And I’m just the guy to do it.
Before getting down to business, let me say a few things. Sis, don’t read this one. There are some things you don’t want or need to know about your little brother. This goes for anyone in my family, although I think the rest of you gave up on me a long time ago.
Let’s see — patients, hospital employees, my employees, persons under the age of eighteen, psychopaths, stalkers, my SON (just in case you don’t realize you’re under eighteen) — all of you can just click away right now. Here, you want a fun place to click to? Read Waiter Rant. That guy is freaking hilarious.
Y’all gone? Good. That should leave my usual crowd, who are more than welcome to chime in. The topic: rug cleaning and door knob polishing. You know what I mean.
Last night, Karen and I watched that HBO program where they interview Atlantic City prostitutes. I pointed out how, with rare exception, the women only tell stories which humiliate the johns. One thing led to another, and then Karen mentioned how Steve Gilliard recently had a discussion on blow jobs over at his place (yesterday, in fact) and so I made a point to check it out this morning.
Interesting discussion, which I encourage you to review. Steve quotes a recent Salon article (trapped behind the Salon firewall) citing some discussion about whether blow jobs are, bottom line, abusive towards women:
Twisty at I Blame the Patriarchy kicked it off by arguing, in response to a post on One Good Thing advising a letter-writer on how not to gag while administering oral sex, that “no woman, since the dawn of the patriarchal co-option of human sexuality, has ever actually enjoyed this submissive sexbot drudgery. There’s a reason that deep-throating a funk-filled bratwurst makes a person retch.* (*Reason, it’s fucking gross.)”
This touched off a firestorm between fellatio yea-sayers and nay-sayers. Steve’s take on it:
It’s real simple, as a woman once stated to me “if he doesn’t eat my pussy, I’m not sucking his dick.” Works both ways.
You can argue patriarchy all you want, but no blow jobs, no eating pussy.
What? You think every pussy smells like eden?
I haven’t penetrated too far into the comment thread, but Athenae has a wise comment, worth citing here:
My inner Catholic girl is cringing right now imagining Sister Rosalie hearing me say this, but look. I’m sick and fucking tired of guys avoiding kitty-talking (tm Erin) by bitching about “the smell.” Y’all don’t smell like freshly line-dried laundry or anything down there your own selves.
And not for nothing, but everybody does stuff to make their partners happy that they don’t exactly love doing. Putting yourself out a bit (no pun intended) to please your partner does not equal OMG oppression/coercion/subjugation. If you can’t tell the difference, nor decide where you are on the spectrum of what you want vs. what your partner wants, you shouldn’t be having the sex in the first place.
Okay, so it’s all about give-and-take and communication. No surprises there. But I want to weigh in on the smell/taste thing. And Sis, if you’re still reading, no kidding. Go away.
I love the smell. If I’m getting freshly washed goods, I feel cheated. The sweatier and ranker the better, within reason. If I’m eating caviar, I want to know I’m eating caviar.
Now, is that really so strange?
Incidentally, if I had to choose between giving up fellatio or cunnilingus, I’d give up fellatio. No shortage of good things a woman can do to a penis, but there’s no substitute for the old chow-down.
Wanna know my favorite fantasy? No? Okay, I’ll put it in a footnote*. The point is, for me, sex is about intimacy, and there is nothing more intimate than having my face buried in it. Intercourse is pretty damned good too. But due to the lack of physical contact, blow jobs simply don’t satisfy that craving for close contact. 69, on the other hand . . .
As for debasement/empowerment, that’s all part of the fun. In a way, it’s part of the intimacy, too. I would debase myself to unspeakable levels for Karen. Trouble is, she doesn’t want me to. Maybe I need to piss her off more, or something. (Alas, she has other ways of punishing me, ways I don’t enjoy. She’s too smart for my own good.)
Now, if I go home and my son can’t look at me without laughing his butt off, I’ll know he’s read this. I don’t know how many times I have to tell that kid, there are just some things you do NOT want to know about your parents. Honestly.
D.
*It involves an old fashioned lunch counter with rotating stools and twelve sweaty cheerleaders. ‘Nuff said.
Well, Doug, you and Dear Butcher (my husband) should have a long talk some time. You clearly have a lot in common. 😉
I’m glad that you enjoy cunnilingus for your own sake, rather than as seeing it as a sexual gift that you give to Karen. However, I’m not sure I’ll ever be ever to _totally_ separate fellatio from gift-giving.
Not sure why this is so common, although pr0n may have something to do with it, but my first three sexual partners thought that grabbing a woman by the back of her head, forcing a gag, and later complaining that she didn’t like giving head was obligatory. It has to be a common enough experience considering how many women, feminists or no, feel burdened by fellatio.
(Note: Probably one reason why Dear Butcher and I are a match is that I gave him holy hell when he put his hand on the back of my head and he wanted to know what the deal was. Communication is a good thing.)
I’m not quite sure where I’m going with this, except to say that I don’t hear too many stories of women *making* men choke on their body parts, although I’ll grant you anything is possible in the bedroom.
Take it all with a grain of salt (sea salt, if you wish), as I have something of an odd sexual history. Grew up washing stallion’s genitals and assisting them in breeding, which set up a long-held disgust for erections and condescension for sexual urges. (Must you whinny at her NOW? Put that away! We’re riding, not breeding.)
Good post, that.
Interesting post, Doug. I didn’t want much to do with fellatio until after I married. I’ve liked it for 18 years now, I suppose, because I love him. I don’t consider it a “gift” to Gary; I’m just having a lot of fun. And yes, for awhile I feel as if I’m in control. I’ll admit it.
Doug, I know you invited me to delete the comment over at my place, but I never delete poetry.
How can I look at you without laughing my butt off? Oh, you had that effect on me long ago…
Great post, and a blessed addition to the conversation. My main reaction to this “debate” is disappointment that once again a few self-described “feminists” are reinforcing the image of feminists as those who leech the humor and enjoyment out of every single personal act.
This isn’t quite the response I wanted.
The response I wanted involved y’all lining up, saying,
“ME!”
“No, ME!”
“Damn it, bitch, I was here first — ME!”
“I just worked out at the gym for two hours, pick ME!”
I could go on . . .
I did not want anything to do with filatio when I became sexually active. I thought it was gross and disgusting. After being with my husband though, we both learned how to do oral sex on each other and over the years have perfected it to each of our pleasure. He gives as good as he gets. When I do it, I like knowing that I’m doing a fantastic job and he’s enjoying it. I think it does have an element of control to it, because I know that when I’m done, he’s going to be spent and thoroughly satisfied and I did that to him. Some guys just don’t know what they’re missing and that’s why they are so bad at it.
I’ve always like oral. In the early days, my first girlfriend and I did it as a way to avoid pregnancy.
Oral is more an expression of love than intercourse. It’s one partner giving to the other. Yes, I like the closeness and the contact, but mostly I enjoy her response. I love giving to her.
And when she does it to me, I feel very loved. It’s the sweetest part of her blowjobs (which are fabulous), the relaxation and warm love I feel afterward. I am an incredibly lucky man.
Anduin, isn’t that the nice thing about long term relationships? You get awfully good at the fundamentals.
Dean, I know what you mean 🙂
Damn, Doug–you’re too late. I just got out of the shower. After exercising. Upstairs where it’s really warm. 😉
And heck, anything can be abusive or not. But fundamentally, by its nature? That just sounds narrow-minded to me.
I have to admit, my tastes have varied over the years–there was a period of time when I couldn’t stand receiving oral, which seems awfully odd to me now.
I did the same thing, Suisan. Now, though, I like the hand thing–go figure.
Maybe not choking, but smothering’s a distinct possibility….
I like slightly used human scent. My dh severely dislikes it.
I love the whole slurpity part of sex. My dh doesn’t.
sigh.
we do okay though.
Smothering? There are far worse ways to go.
Kate, that man needs a good talking-to.
This is the most interesting thing I’ve read in a long, long, time, Mr. Hoffman.
It reminds me of my favorite tee-shirt. I spied it on a man who weighed over 400 pounds.
“If God didn’t intend for man to eat pussy, he wouldn’t have made it look like a taco.”
Good day, Mr. Hoffman.
Will someone please tell Erin I’m a doctor? I get no respect, I tell you, no respect at all 😉
Er … good day DR. Hoffman.
Thanks. Now if you could just come to my town and tell all the grocery store checkers to do the same, my life will be complete.
[…] Someone has to speak out for all the dicks of the world […]
Well done! Bravo!
[…] 9. Not to mention a fascination with an act considered sodomy in most Southern states. Incidentally, if I had to choose between giving up fellatio or cunnilingus, I’d give up fellatio. No shortage of good things a woman can do to a penis, but there’s no substitute for the old chow-down. […]