Balls and Walnuts
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Category Archives: Thirteen Candles
Thirteen Aphrodisiacs
Oy, this is late for a Thirteen. Sorry. I began it last night, worked on it throughout the day, and now (9:38 PM) I’m hoping I’ll get it posted before midnight my time.
I had a three hour committee meeting tonight. THREE. HOURS. And to think I did this because I thought I might generate some fine writing material. NOT.
Well, let’s get started!
I’ll admit to some bias in assembling this list. I’m not interested in male aphrodisiacs — you won’t find any ground-up rhino horn here (and how non-PC does it get, anyway? Poor rhinos!) Male aphrodisiacs are all sympathetic magic anyway. Find something that looks like a penis or testicles, cook it up, and eat it. Or go straight to the real deal.
I know a couple of markets in Silicon Valley which sell bull, um, parts, but the gourmet in me objects. No, thank you.
But when it comes to augmenting the female libido, I confess to a scientific/professional interest as well. How do you manipulate emotions with pharmaceuticals or herbs? With depression, we’re way ahead of the game, but desire seems to be quite a different story.
Follow me below the fold for a glimpse at the not-so-new and exciting market of love.
All I really need to know I learned in Cosmo
Time for another Cosmopolitan Thirteen! I’m eager to find out how the May issue will change my life. Will I discover at long last what I crave in bed? Will I learn the secret to perfect abs with Cosmo’s No Crunch Workout®? Could I find out what mysterious rules of attraction brought Karen and me together? And will I master the Surefire Technique That Takes You Both Over the Edge — Simultaneously®, whether we like it or not?
I’ll just be happy if this issue saves me hundreds of dollars on money-saving beauty tips. Like putting leftover guacamole dip in my hair for added shine and bounce — I am so there.
Follow me below the cut for a treasure trove of Cosmognosis.
Thirteen apologies
I was priding myself on the easiness of this Thirteen when Netscape crashed, sending my first nine into electronic oblivion. Oh, well. So much for ‘easy.’ Save early, save often.
For each of the following apologies, guess the sinner; I’ll begin with the jackass who inspired today’s post. Answers in the comments.
Crosseyed and Painless Thirteen
This is, what, the third week I failed to write a Thirteen about my surgical internship? You wouldn’t think it would be such a big deal. After all, I made my romance protag a surgical intern; but I also filled his life with prime booty, and gave him a sex drive powerful enough to overwhelm even the worst internship fatigue.
Yup. Fantasy.
No, the memories are still too tetchy. I might as well try to write “Thirteen Painful Memories.”
Hey, there’s a thought!
Thirteen things about Keith Olbermann
You can thank Balls for today’s Thirteen theme. I had wanted to write a quick “intro to KO” post for my Canadian and European readers, but Karen thought a Thirteen would be more fun. As for “Thirteen Things I Learned at My Sleep Disorders Meeting,” come back next week — it should be interesting.
1. KO is Teh Newsman. Every evening, at the conclusion of his news show Countdown on MSNBC, KO signs out with Edward R. Murrow‘s famous phrase, “Good night and good luck.” With any other TV newsman, this would be the heighth of arrogance, but not with Keith. Reminiscent of Murrow — who publicly took on Senator Joseph McCarthy when no one else had the guts — Keith Olbermann has repeatedly challenged the Bush Administration, even back when it was unpopular to do so. And the man does not mince words. His Special Comments are legendary. If you’ve never watched one, start here: Special Comment about ‘Sacrifice.’
2. While CNN’s Anderson Cooper travels to the Amazon to “brave” the dreaded Goliath Bird-eating Tarantula, Keith gets the job done. Last night’s stories: the Scooter Libby trial (will he or won’t he flip on Cheney? Will Bush pardon him?), the Justice Department’s revelation that it has been inflating its terrorism statistics, and the Coalition of the Willing’s flight from Iraq, led by England. Yes, KO’s producers make him cover the latest schlock about Britney Spears and Anna Nicole Smith, but he relegates that to the end of the show.
Meanwhile, Anderson Cooper screams like a girl over a big, hairy spider. (Um, we don’t know that for a fact. The show hasn’t aired yet.) Remember to wear clean undies to your date, Coop!