Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Category Archives: Love
Love and Thanatos
By now, you’ve heard the news: Governor Mark Sanford, he of the Houdini-like disappearances, is absent no longer. Was he working on a book? No! Hiking the Appalachian Trail? No! Weeping for five days nonstop over his star-crossed love for an Argentinian woman? YES!
Mark Sanford (R), Governor, South Carolina, explaining what Maria saw in him.
I could engage in schadenfreude over the hypocrisy of this “pro-family” conservative Christian Republican politician, but hey, that’s been done. I’d rather focus on Sanford’s own explanation for how it all began.
Follow me below the fold.
Worst wedding music ever
. . . unless you can think of something worse than Carly Simon’s “That’s The Way I’ve Always Heard It Should Be.”
My friends from college they’re all married now;
They have their houses and their lawns.
They have their silent noons,
Tearful nights, angry dawns.
Don’t get me wrong, I love this song. It’s biting, insightful, a real eyeopener. It does for marriage what Harry Chapin’s “Cat’s In The Cradle” does for fatherhood. But does it really have any place at a wedding reception?
You say we can keep our love alive
Babe – all I know is what I see –
The couples cling and claw
And drown in love’s debris.
The old gf and I are friends now. We write each other regularly. Tonight, she mentioned her sister’s wedding, which I also attended. Her sis played this song at her wedding, and when I asked her why (why, why, for the love of God why*), she said, merely, “I like that song.” She stopped talking to me soon afterwards, but that’s another story.
You say we’ll soar like two birds through the clouds,
But soon you’ll cage me on your shelf –
I’ll never learn to be just me first
By myself.
So, what do you think? Worst choice ever, or can you think of one which tops this?
Here’s the video, in case you’re having trouble remembering the song.
D.
*Never the diplomat, I believe I cried, “WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? Have you ever listened to the lyrics?”
Cosmo Thirteen: the Va-jay-jay Edition
There was a time when guys treated women with respect. We might sneak a peak at their bazongas, but we didn’t stare at ’em for more than a few minutes, and we would never call ’em hooters or milk wagons or love jugs. And we didn’t call women slags or skanks or sluts, and we didn’t refer to their Holy of Holies as a kebab or a quim or a bearded clam.
Or, God forbid, a va-jay-jay.
No, we called it by its proper name, pussy.
Pussy shows proper respect to a beautiful, wondrous organ. Think about it. A pussy is cute! furry! friendly! Men like to pet, stroke, and cuddle with pussies. (Many women do, too.) You wouldn’t hesitate to bring a pussy home to Mom.
I’m not sure what a va-jay-jay is, but I suspect it stays out too late clubbing, smokes and drinks to excess, has no interest whatsoever in short, bald hobbits, and probably associates with an overabundance of wa-wieners.
In this issue: Rihanna shows off her yellow Versace . . . women in danger . . . five things never to tell your guy . . . and guys masturbate (no, really?)
The Idiot’s Guide to Getting Girls, Chapter Four
Who wanted Karen to get in on the act? Well, here you go. YouTube effed up our first take, so I had to go shopping and Karen had to drink some Kahlua and then we were ready for Take 2. We hope you like it. Once again, the video feed gagged midway through (at about 2:00). Bear with it — by 2:30, the feed kicks in again.
At the moment, we’re watching the returns from South Carolina’s primary, but I should be ready for live blogging by 7 PM PST. Hopefully. Tonight, I’m making a pork marsala. Almost bought some veal, but veal is baby cow! And I’m having trouble with beef lately, anyway.
For vlog newcomers: here’s Chapter 1, here’s Chapter 2, and here’s Chapter 3.
See ya at the live blog.
D.
The Idiot’s Guide to Getting Girls, Chapter 3
Here’s my commentary on Chapter 3. I think it came out well, although the video feed glitched at around 3 minutes. Bear with it — the kinks* work themselves out.
If you’re coming into this conversation late, here’s Chapter 1, and here’s Chapter 2.
Enjoy.
D.
*Bwaahahahahahaaaa!
The Idiot’s Guide to Getting Girls, Chapter 2
In Chapter 2, Targeting the Women You Want, we learn that women are everywhere (no kidding!), you have to choose the right time and place to approach a women, and different types of women need to be approached in different ways. Ms. Altalida demonstrates that there are only eight different types of women. Unfortunately, “nymphomaniac” isn’t one of them.
Here’s the video. Karen got into the act this time.
Previously: Chapter 1, Laying the Foundation to Meet Women.
Remember: Live-blogging tonight at 7 PM PST. Be there!
D.
Thirteen things I learned from Cosmo, Part … eh, whatever
If there were even 10% truth in advertising, one issue of Cosmo would make me a happy man. Think about it: June’s “75 Hot Mattress Moves” would have yielded (rounding down) seven new tricks to wow my wife. Seven!
. . . which just happens to be the exact number of “boundary-pushing moves all men secretly crave.” All men? We’ll see about that.
50 Ways to Be Closer to Him: will I find five that would work on me?
(Undoubtedly.
1. “Hey, come here.”
2. “You coming to bed, or what?”
3. “Rub this, why don’t you.”
4. (pointing)
5. “Ahem.”
Have I mentioned yet, I’m easy?)
Follow me below the fold for more Cosmolicious (their word, not mine) goodies.
Friday Fourteen: I read Cosmo so you don’t have to
June Cosmo surprises with its meaty goodness. You might actually want to purchase this one, or at least finger to the good bits while waiting in the checkout line.
We’ll be leaving for Ashland later this afternoon, so my linky lurvitude may be a little slow to manifest. When I’m posting from the Blackberry, anything too complex becomes a challenge. Now how do I copy a URL when there’s no Ctrl-C? Yeah, it’s a pain in the arse.
So if you come late to the party and you’d like some lurve for one of your recent posts, feel free to post a link in the comments. And I know a few of you aren’t HTML-savvy, so here’s a quickie tutorial.
Got it? Good!
On to the Fourteen: Fourteen Things I Learned From Cosmo, part . . . aw, whatever.
All I really need to know I learned in Cosmo
Time for another Cosmopolitan Thirteen! I’m eager to find out how the May issue will change my life. Will I discover at long last what I crave in bed? Will I learn the secret to perfect abs with Cosmo’s No Crunch Workout®? Could I find out what mysterious rules of attraction brought Karen and me together? And will I master the Surefire Technique That Takes You Both Over the Edge — Simultaneously®, whether we like it or not?
I’ll just be happy if this issue saves me hundreds of dollars on money-saving beauty tips. Like putting leftover guacamole dip in my hair for added shine and bounce — I am so there.
Follow me below the cut for a treasure trove of Cosmognosis.
Thirteen things I learned from Cosmo, Part Cinq
Pity me. As you read this, there’s an excellent chance I’m a mile above America, wedged between George W. Bush’s Last Vocal Supporter and a Moonie behind on his conversion quota. Times like this, I wish I knew some relatively obscure foreign language — Yoruba, perhaps — in which I could repeat, “I don’t speak English.”
See, no matter how badly you pronounce, “I don’t speak English,” some wag will point out that you are, in fact, speaking Engish. Yuk. Yuk. So I need a language — something guttural, something phlegmy. I mean, a guy can pretend to be asleep for only so long.
*please please please no coughing sneezing children oh PLEASE*
. . . because I always catch stuff on planes, too. Bad enough that snot rockets are a hazard of my profession. Gaaaah, enough kvetching already — let’s find out what’s new in this month’s Cosmo.