Thursday Thirteen: yet another medical quiz

Because it’s late.

Because I’m exhausted.

Because, short of a Cosmo Thirteen (next week! I promise!), these quizi are probably the most popular thirteens I do.

This quiz is all about medical vocabulary. If you know your Greek and Latin roots, you’re gonna rawk.

1. Indurated

A. I shouldn’t have had that fourth gin and tonic.
B. Ooh, baby! It was so soft . . . and now it’s so hard.
C. You never told me it could get that BIG.
D. Are you always that red?
E. If you don’t get me off quick, I’m gonna die.

2. Lookie, a picture:

A. Dude, way to use lipstick on your sternum.
B. I like the way you managed not to color in your coronal suture.
C. Are your latissimi always that color, or are you just glad to see me?
D. But seriously. If my pectoralis muscles glowed like that, I’d put a shirt on.
E. And I wouldn’t advertise my lack of monads, either.

3. Gout

A. That hairball I coughed up into your soup? I swear it won’t happen again.
B. The tremor, though, that’s for keeps.
C. But you wouldn’t believe how good it feels to get screwed by a guy whose penis jogs to the left.
D. And the things I can do with my hairy tongue!
E. Not to mention my huge . . . big toe.

4. Pertussis

A. Eew! Hope you brought a change of underwear.
B. Got a Hall’s Mentholyptus on ya?
C. Didn’t your mom ever teach you to blow your damn nose?
D. You know, they make a cream for that.
E. If you’d powdered his ass with talcum, that never would have happened.

5. Hyperpyrexia

A. I need an ice bath!
B. No — I need sex, and plenty of it!
C. Make that a Tums (calcium carbonate).
D. Better yet, gimme lots of leafy green vegetables.
E. Or an enema.

It occurred to me that I had never put an eyeball smack dab in the middle of my blog.

6. That white ring is a (an):

A. Torus albinus
B. Corona radiata
C. Arcus senilis
D. Oculis argyrus
E. Unfortunate result of masturbation

7. Hydrops

A. You have too much fluid where?
B. Well, you don’t need to cry about it.
C. Drink one more glass of Perrier and you’re gonna die.
D. Give that man some Kaopectate.
E. It wouldn’t kill you to swallow some of that spit.

8. You put a stethoscope to your patient’s chest and hear a souffle. Sounds like

A. Knocking.
B. Soft puffing.
C. Tinny hammering.
D. Rumbling.
E. My ’58 Edsel.

9. Lockjaw

A. Shoulda took that multivitamin.
B. Shoulda eaten more steak.
C. Should’na slept with that girl in Secaucus.
D. Should’na had that 48th gallon of Thunderbird.
E. Should’na scratched my ass with that dirty garden rake.

This next one will be a toughie for most folks, I think; but it amazes me that some of these things get NAMES.

10. Lochia

A. The discharge from the vagina of mucus, blood, and tissue debris, following childbirth.
B. Postcoital vaginal discharge.
C. White, foulsmelling material which builds up beneath unwashed foreskins.
D. Tan, foulsmelling material which builds up in some tonsils.
E. Nasal discharge following emesis [vomiting].

To make that last one up to you, this one really can be figured out by your knowledge of Latin roots . . .

11. These little suckers are called

A. Streptococcus
B. Lactobacillus
C. Pseudomonas
D. Diplococcus
E. Mycobacteria

12. Megacolon

A. Use a smaller font.
B. Light a match.
C. Eat less, exercise more.
D. Take a laxative.
E. Stop eating wheat.

And the last word in my medical dictionary is . . .

13. Zymurgy

A. Ooh, the sounds have colors. Cosmic.
B. Ooh, things are like, happening coincidentally, all at the same time. Cosmic.
C. Just shut up and hand me another pint, mate.
D. Um, there are implants that can help you with that little problem.
E. Here, let me rub that for you.

Answers in the morning (Pacific Standard Time, that is). Meanwhile, leave me a comment, and when I’m not being brainsucked by my patients, I’ll give you the linky lurve.

Thorne’s message to the disgruntled of the world: Get over it!

Lyvvie proves that vacuum cleaners can be used illicitly by both sexes

Microsoar does Canada (with pictures),

while SxKitten waits for the floodwaters to rise

D.