Thirteen apologies

I was priding myself on the easiness of this Thirteen when Netscape crashed, sending my first nine into electronic oblivion. Oh, well. So much for ‘easy.’ Save early, save often.

For each of the following apologies, guess the sinner; I’ll begin with the jackass who inspired today’s post. Answers in the comments.

1. From this transcript:

I don’t know if I thought it was funny or not, but we got – it was a situation where we’re sitting there rapping, see, and I’m saying, I watched the game last night between Rutgers and Tennessee. And I heard one of the sportscasters say that Rutgers is a lot tougher team. So I got on the air and I said, man, they are tough. I said, they got tattoos, and then somebody else said something. And then I said that. And at the time I said it, because I’m talking about two African-American teams, and at the time I said it, I didn’t think – I mean I don’t know, I’m just telling you what I thought – I didn’t think it was racial. I wasn’t even thinking racial. I was thinking like a “West Side Story” deal, like one team’s tough and one team’s not so tough.

It’s okay, though, because he’s just a good person who said a bad thing. (Hmm. Definition of a racist? A person who repeatedly performs racist acts. ‘Nuff said.)

2. Admirable use of the passive voice:

I regret deeply any injuries that may have been done in the course of the events that led to this decision. I would say only that if some of my judgments were wrong, and some were wrong, they were made in what I believed at the time to be the best interest of the Nation.

3. Another non-racist drops the N-bomb.

“For me to be at a comedy club and flip out and say this crap, I’m deeply, deeply sorry . . . I’m not a racist. That’s what’s so insane about this.”

4. After the first time we learned he’d had sex with a prostitute:

I have sinned against you. And I beg your forgiveness.

And the second time?

“The Lord told me it’s flat none of your business.”

5. When will they learn to embrace their repulsive, dark desires?

The fact is, I am guilty of sexual immorality, and I take responsibility for the entire problem.

I am a deceiver and a liar. There is a part of my life that is so repulsive and dark that I’ve been warring against it all of my adult life. For extended periods of time, I would enjoy victory and rejoice in freedom. Then, from time to time, the dirt that I thought was gone would resurface, and I would find myself thinking thoughts and experiencing desires that were contrary to everything I believe and teach.

6. The textbook nonapology, part one (hint — this California congressman later had to apologize for something far worse). For using the phrase ‘homos in the military,’

“To me, using that short term was not wrong, but if it is offensive, then I apologize, and I will not use it again.”

7. The textbook nonapology, part two. Let’s call her X. The year, 1992:

Nov. 13: Former marketing director Cal Levy says in a deposition in Sabo’s suit that X called former Reds outfielders Eric Davis and Dave Parker “million-dollar niggers” and kept a swastika arm band at home. Roger Blaemire, the former vice president of business operations, testifies in a deposition that he also heard X make racial remarks. The next day, X issues a statement saying: “I am not a racist.”

Nov. 20: X issues a statement, saying her use of the word “nigger” and her possession of a swastika arm band weren’t meant to offend.

Nov. 24: Sharon Jones, a former Oakland Athletics executive assistant, is quoted in The New York Times as saying X said on the telephone before the start of an owners’ conference call: “I would never hire another nigger. I’d rather have a trained monkey working for me than a nigger.”

Nov. 29: X is quoted in the Times as saying Adolf Hitler initially was good for Germany, that her references to “niggers” were in jest and that she doesn’t understand why the word “Japs” is offensive.

How do you define racist again?

8. The textbook nonapology, part three. From a US Senator booted out by the Senate Ethics Committee,

“I’m apologizing for the conduct that it was alleged that I did.”

and

“Am I sorry? Of course. If I did the things that they said I did. Am I sorry, do I apologize? Yes. But it is time to get on and not look back.”

9. For alleged groping of women, incidents stretching back for more than three decades. It sounds better with an Austrian accent:

“Yes, I have behaved badly sometimes, yes it is true that I was on rowdy movie sets … and I have done things I thought were playful that now I recognize that I have offended people . . . I am deeply sorry about that and I apologize.”

10. And this one is just too easy:

“There is no excuse, nor should there be any tolerance, for anyone who thinks or expresses any kind of anti-Semitic remark . . . I want to apologize specifically to everyone in the Jewish community for the vitriolic and harmful words that I said to a law enforcement officer the night I was arrested on a DUI charge.”

11. Remember how your mom always had to make sure you knew what you were apologizing for? That’s cuz she didn’t want the apology to be nothing but empty words:

“I am deeply sorry and I apologize for letting down my family and the people of Florida I have had the privilege to represent.”

The man never admitted to anything.

12. What he said shortly after 9/11/01:

“I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say ‘you helped this happen.'”

And here’s how he apologized (another conditional nonapology!):

“I would never blame any human being except the terrorists, and if I left that impression with gays or lesbians or anyone else, I apologize.”

13. George W. Bush, having done far, far worse, has never apologized like this:

“What I want the American people to know, what I want the Congress to know, is that I am profoundly sorry for all I have done wrong in words and deeds. I never should have misled the country, the Congress, my friends and my family. Quite simply, I gave in to my shame.”

You know how it works: leave a comment and I’ll give you some cootie-free linky love.

May’s nothing but trouble

Darla’s to-buy list is only thirteen long? That’ll last her a week.

Have any of you not visited M E-L’s Ishbadiddle? Go! Now!

noxcat’s been ill. Get well soon, nox.

Shaina’s every bit as cute as I’d imagined.

D.