Butt cleavage bonanza
Recently, I received the following email from Chester Langgröd, CEO of Flickr:
Dear Mr. Walnut,
We were dismayed by the recent poor showing of Flickr versus our competitor, Google (Flickr and Google Go Toe to Toe), vis a vis cameltoe images. Indeed, we hold your competition largely responsible for last quarter’s shortfall in Flickr’s page views. We at Flickr consider it our solemn responsibility to become the internet’s slickest entry portal for viewers of salacious images, and have in recent weeks provided numerous incentives to our patrons, encouraging them to upload a wide range of unique and stimulating graphic content (see the recent Wall Street Journal article entitled Eager to Capture Soft Core Market, Flickr Pitches Big Tent).
Accordingly, we would like to encourage you to host a rematch, possibly using one of the following search terms:
ass bandit
ass crack
ass master
Seven pages of suggestions follow, concluding with:
well hung
wet beaver
X-rated.
I’m sure you will be pleased by our upgraded content.
Yours in faith,
Chester Langgröd, CEO
Okay, Mr. Langgröd, you’re on. However, since some of my readers are underage, I’m going to go with the somewhat tamer search term (which you did not suggest), butt cleavage. Let’s see how you and Google stack up.
Friends, some of these images may not be work safe.
In production: My Name is Bruce
Lego Ash from The Evil Dead — from Diantological
An IMDB search for movie versions of Conrad’s Heart of Darkness led me to Heart of Dorkness: Behind the Scenes of ‘My Name is Bruce’ . . . featuring one of my favorite guys, Bruce Campbell. You mean there’s gonna be a new Bruce Campbell movie? You betcha.
From IMDB, My Name is Bruce (2007):
B Movie Legend Bruce Campbell is mistaken for his character Ash from the Evil Dead trilogy and forced to fight a real monster in a small town in Oregon.
A small town in Oregon? Oh please oh please oh please let it be Brookings. We’re a small town. We don’t even have a Walmart! I can play a zombie, really!
As for my original search, I found it. Karen was right (isn’t she always?) Boris Karloff did play Kurtz in the Playhouse 90 version of Heart of Darkness (1958). And Roddy McDowell played Marlowe, and Eartha Kitt played “Queen” (whaaaa?)
I wonder if it’s available on DVD.
D.
Spreading my Krugys across the globe
Edited to add: See special challenge in the comments!
Dean has found another way of exhibiting Krugy to good advantage, courtesy of the lovely SxKitten. And such an appropriate photo, too, considering what I have planned for y’all. (Soon, soon.)
Kris, Rella, those Krugys of yours aren’t getting any younger. And the rest of you: I still have three Krugys ready to mail and I know where to buy a whole lot more. The offer stands.
D.
It could happen here
And it did, of course. See: Japanese internment camps. The Canadians did it, too.
Big snip from a superb Daily Kos diary by Rock Strongo:
On Sunday afternoon, Washington, DC radio host Jerry Klein of WMAL was commenting on the Muslim Imams kicked off a flight. Klein suggested that all Muslims in the United States should be identified with a crescent-shape tattoo or a distinctive arm band, the phone lines jammed instantly.
Among the callers:
“Not only do you tattoo them in the middle of their forehead but you ship them out of this country … they are here to kill us.”
and:
Another said that tattoos, armbands and other identifying markers such as crescent marks on driver’s licenses, passports and birth certificates did not go far enough. “What good is identifying them?” he asked. “You have to set up encampments like during World War Two with the Japanese and Germans.”
Finally a half hour into his show, Klien revealed the game:
“I can’t believe any of you are sick enough to have agreed for one second with anything I said. For me to suggest to tattoo marks on people’s bodies, have them wear armbands, put a crescent moon on their driver’s license on their passport or birth certificate is disgusting. It’s beyond disgusting.
Because basically what you just did was show me how the German people allowed what happened to the Jews to happen … We need to separate them, we need to tattoo their arms, we need to make them wear the yellow Star of David, we need to put them in concentration camps, we basically just need to kill them all because they are dangerous.”
Recently, I asked one of our docs if he had to fend off any prejudice. His response (paraphrasing): “Hey, I’m Syrian. So few Americans even know where Syria is.” While I’m delighted he doesn’t have to deal with racist BS — he’s a helluva nice guy and a top-notch doctor, and he really doesn’t deserve any BS — I know that our government knows where Syria is, and they doubtless know where he is. My friend may be safe from local prejudice, but is he safe from our government?
It could happen here. It could happen again. Based on Jerry Klein’s callers, lots of folks are itching to see it happen again. And all it would take is another 9/11.
Sorry . . . but I’m in a pensive mood, thanks to booboo’s hate mail. See comments to the Hanukkah meme, below.
D.
The Hanukkah meme
Holiday spirit? Fvck yeah, why not? But Christmas isn’t precisely my holiday. If you want the original Christmasy version of this meme, you’ll have to check Tam’s blog.
This is my version, such as it is.
1. Manischewitz or Kolobarra Hills Shiraz Cabernet 2004? Vintage, man. You kidding me?
2. Does the Hanukkah Lobster wrap presents or just sit them under the Hannukah Shrub? Hanukkah Lobster has claws, so he tends to tear the wrapping. He prefers to guide the presents under the shrub with his blessedly strong tail.
3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? Huh? We still have the (nonfunctional) Xmas lights from our house’s last owner, the Imelda Marcos of Brookings. They’re colored. I’m the only one here who could take them down, and I’m too lazy. So . . . colored.
Heh heh. Yer kinda cute fer a Christ-killer.
4. Do you hang mistletoe? I prefer to kill it by lethal injection.
5. When do you set out your menorah? Usually on the second or third night of Hanukkah, accompanied by that famous Hanukkah Carol, Kids, I Missed The First Night AGAIN. Damned lunar calendar.
6. What is your favorite holiday dish? Oooh, that’s easy. Latkes (potato pancakes).
7. Favorite holiday memory as a child: My mother giving me all my presents weeks ahead of time, so that when Hanukkah finally arrived, my only presents were socks and shirts. THANKS, Mom.
8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? The very first time I saw a department store Santa Claus and asked my mom if I could meet him. Mom’s reply was something like: Yeah, right. You believe that?
9. Do you open a gift on Hanukkah Eve? Yes, you poor I-only-get-to-open-presents-on-one-day goy. We open gifts EVERY night of Hanukkah. (Not strictly true. By the time I hit my tenth birthday, my family had left the Hanukkah gift-exchange behind. Nowadays, we throw a few presents around. No biggy.)
10. How do you decorate your Hanukkah Shrub? With decorative gefilte fish balls. Our cats love us.
11. Snow! Love it or Dread it? Outside of a paper cone, I fear it.
12. Can you ice skate? With rare exception, Jews don’t ice skate. We’ve been known to kvetch to the rink manager, “Can’t you warm it up a bit in here? I’ll catch the double pneumonia.”
13. Do you remember your favorite gift? No. I really don’t.
14. What’s the most important thing about the Holidays for you? I get lots and lots of time off from work — mostly to keep my employees happy, but to keep me sane, too.
15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? Poppy seed hamentashen. So what if it’s a dessert for Purim. You didn’t say which holiday.
16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? “But it’s my birthday” sex. Again, you didn’t say which holiday.
17. What tops your tree? Sorry, ladies, only Karen gets to top my tree.
18. Which do you prefer giving or receiving? As I’ve said before, GIVING. I can receive myself two or three times a day, but it takes a partner to do some righteous giving.
Okay, okay, enough with the double entendre . . .
19. What is your favorite Christmas Song? Invader ZIM’s Christmas Carol, of course!
20. Candy Canes! Yuck or Yum? Yuck. Yuuuuuck. Does anyone like these abominations?
Anyone can play this meme. Trust me, it’s much more fun if you monkey with the questions first.
D.
“I do love kittens”
From my favorite Guerilla Woman, Women: Know Your Limits (a video concerning the dangers of mixing women and higher education).
*giggle*
D.
Blogosophy
So Blue Gal lit a fire under Redd Turtle, hoping her friend would get back into the swing of things, but Redd had reached a blogological impasse. Redd writes:
I’ll be honest. I can’t decide on the angle, hence the procrastination. I don’t really mean angle in a “let’s get them here by writing about hot button issues†way. I just mean – I’m interested in so much my brain is full.
Blue Gal cited yours truly as an example of a brainful blogger who somehow makes it work. Never mind that 90%* of the hits you see below are to my cameltoe page. (Phrased differently: when it comes to blogospheric success, be careful what you wish for). Even if most of my blog’s visitors are singlehanded-typing teenaged boys, I still have what I really want — an audience. You guys. The ones who read my blog even if I don’t put up any kewl graphics.
But, um, just in case . . .
Still here? I knew I could count on you.
I wish I could share some sort of insight with Redd Turtle, something that would help her find her blogging voice. Maybe I can, maybe I can’t; I think everyone has to find their own voice. It’s safe to say mine has been polyglottic from the start. Of my first ten posts:
3 concerned my fiction
2 were about books
1 was about a movie
1 was a family photo
1 was about work
1 was about my son’s headache problems (the best of the ten, I think), and
1 was a humor piece (don’t bother)
In my opinion, I didn’t hit my stride until this piece, my first Memoirist BS post, which I wrote at the end of my second month. That’s when it dawned on me what people wanted most: a piece of me.
Not that I’m anything special, mind you. (Sex- and food-obsessed, yeah, but special? Nah. Barney the Purple Dinosaur’s friends are special. I’m just me.) See, I think folks want two things from blogs, information and a slice of humanity. But information, you can get that from any dumb old website. Human contact? That’s the blogosphere’s domain.
Even when folks look to the blogosphere for information, it’s that human touch they desire. Take my friend Blue Gal, for example. If I’m wondering about the size of James Carville’s micropenis, I don’t only want to know the figure in inches; I want to know what Blue Gal thinks of Carville’s micropenis.
So, Redd, I really don’t think brainfulness is a shortcoming in this business. It’s a virtue. Embrace your polyglot nature. Write about whatever tweaks your fancy that day, but remember to let us know your take on the story. If folks wanted simple reportage, they could hit cnn.com or a dozen other news sources; but, no. Your readers want your riff, so give it to ’em. Give ’em your riff. Cram it down their greedy little throats.
As for me, I’m gonna go back to searching butt cleavage images.
D.
*90%? I don’t know. A LOT. How much is a lot in percent?
Thirteen fvckvps
Can I possibly think of thirteen horrendous errors? Sure — provided they’re not all my fvckvps. Take, for example, the opiate-addicted anesthesiologist who injected himself with sufentanyl rather than fentanyl, forgetting the tenfold higher potency of the former. It was the last dosage error he ever made.
If I get stumped, I could steal stuff from the Darwin Awards website. For example, I could pretend I once crawled into a huge helium-filled advertising balloon like this duo.
Their last words consisted of high-pitched, incoherent giggling as they slowly passed out and passed into the hereafter.
. . . But I’ll try to stick to fvckvps drawn from my personal experience. Follow me below the fold.
Top Ten Viral Videos
The things you learn watching Olbermann.
Marketing firm The Viral Factory has posted their list of Top Ten Viral Videos. Beats the hell out of me why the Numa Numa kid took number 2 and the Star Wars kid took number 1 (both videos are annoyingly boring) when one of the contenders should have swept the contest:
I can’t get over the cuteness of that girl’s tushy. I bet I could win that competition, too.
Edited to add:
For the rest of you who haven’t seen the other vids mentioned in the comments, here are the links . . .
Trojan vaulting (another cute tushy!)
Trojan judo (what the heck is happening here?)
While we’re at it, this is cute, and won’t endanger Shaina’s innocence
D.
Pierogi: your results may vary . . .
Sometimes a guy has to get ethnic.
Polish pot stickers, Russian raviolis, Slavic won tons . . . call ’em what you will, pierogis are yummy. Yum. Me. So on Sunday, I got busy and spent all afternoon futzing around with filling and dough, folding my little semicircles, browning onions in butter for the sauce, serving them up, and for what?
Karen: Interesting.
Jake: I don’t hate them. (Or the equivalent.)
But I got back at them today. I made a Shepherd’s Pie from the leftover filling (recipe below) and they loved it. Or, Jake loved it, and Karen would have loved it if she weren’t feeling so crappy. Crappy or not, she finished her serving, so that says something.
Needless to say, you can skip the rather difficult pierogi project and jump straight to the easier (and, at least with my family, far more successful) Shepherd’s Pie.
First the pierogi . . .