Thirteen things I learned from Doug Hoffman

I’m not sure how the Invisible Lizard found me in the first place, but he and I go back a long time — probably a year, which is a decade in blog-years. Count on Liz for spot-on reviews of movies and videos. The SOB also goaded me into doing NaNoWriMo last year. I hate it when people dare me. No resistance, no resistance at all.

What’s that? You don’t know what an Invisible Lizard is? Here’s one:

Pretty, ain’t he?

Here you go, folks. I can’t wait to read this one, too. Yes, yes, it seems to be a Thursday Thirteen, and today isn’t Thursday. Get over it.

Here he is, the Invisible Lizard.

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(Yes, we’re counting backwards for this one.)

13. Blogwhoring. What is it? How does he do it? And how does he make it seem so easy? I’m still trying to figure it all out, but look at the man’s hit counter. He’s got a gift, no doubt about it. Doug, let me know when you graduate to the status of blog pimp. I need some representation.

12. The Rules of blogging (nos. 7 – 9): Photoshop, photoshop, photoshop. Amazing things can be done with a modicum of talent and a healthy dose of enthusiasm. (Doug, it’s possible you have more than a modicum of Photoshopping talent, but I, unfortunately, wouldn’t know the difference.)

11. A noodge (alt. nudge) is one who persistently pesters, annoys, or complains, not, as I suspected, based on the context of this post, one who enlists the aid of follow blogizens to help get published. Personally, I think that anybody with the self-discipline to write an entire 300k+ word manuscript should at least get read.

10. Not quite a lesson learned as still an outstanding question: is this dreidel supposed to look like the spinning thing from the end of Tron? And a further question: why is that the first thing I thought about when I sat down to write this 13 Things Learned list. Granted I did hide it down at number 10 to make it appear as if that wasn’t the first thing that I remembered about this site (which would be lame), but I’m owning up to it, anyway. I guess that’s what you get when you go off on vacation and leave your blog in the hands of (insert shameless plug here:) others.

9. Balls and Walnuts has cool guest bloggers (yours truly notwithstanding, see no. 10 above). In an attempt to contact Prof. S. for a comment on this entry, I was blessed with the following exchange:

8. Elmo has a camel toe. Not only that, but you can blog about it. I would have shied away from the subject, myself. But no, there it is, along with many other examples, in flagrante delicto, as they were. It was about at this post that I began to suspect that…

7. …Doug has “balls the size of church bells.” (See no. 8 above. And extra-credit to anybody who can name the cheesy 80’s movie from whence that line came, hearkening back to no. 10 above as I have now completely cemented my uncool status with bad 80’s references.) It wasn’t until his recent post detailing his own olfactory predilections that the point was hammered home.

6. Speaking of hammers, if you ever see Doug approaching you carrying a ball-peen hammer, run.

5. You can use the words “nasal polyps” in a punch line, but it may not work for you. This joke cracked me up, but I have the worst time re-telling it. Believe what he says: “only an ENT can make nasal polyps funny.”

4. The rules of blogging (nos. 4 – 6): Recipes, recipes, recipes. A few that I’ve been dying to try:

• Bread pudding
• Strawberry Shortcake (o I’m a dessert man, sue me)
• Plus one or two on this list.

3. Word Press can categorize! One of my biggest complaints about Blogger is the lack of categories. (That and its tendency to lose my posts in the virtual ether as soon as I hit publish.) Sure, some people have devised their own categorization systems, but it’s just hacks and whistles if you ask me. On my to-do list is to follow Doug’s example and convert, but I just can’t find the time.

2. When all else fails, post a picture of your own ass. (Balls and walnuts, my friends. Balls and walnuts.)

1. Sex sells. I’m sure most of you realize that Doug’s blog is founded on the first three basics rules of blogging: Write about Sex (rule 1), Politics (rule 2), and Boogers (rule 3). But let’s be honest, everybody’s got enough of those second two. It’s the sex that keeps ’em coming back. And with that, I give you the ever-popular category 22.

— Invisible Lizard