Balls and Walnuts
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Category Archives: Thirteen Candles
Thirteen Abominations
If that title strikes you as familiar, big fluffy brownie points to you for having a great memory. I’ve written not one but TWO “Abominations” Thirteens, both of which were about food. But recently, Erin O’Brien opened my eyes to one of the world’s other abominations — and it has nothing to do with food!
But I’m going to make you wait for that one . . .
Thirteen blasts from the past
The future is now, folks. Anyone who has had to explain the concept of a “carriage return” to his 11-year-old kid knows what I’m talking about.
Follow me below the fold for rabbit ears, and more . . .
Friday Fourteen: fourteen homes
A revealing measure of my state of mind right now: I’m looking hard at that word, fourteen, wondering whether it’s spelled right.
Fourteen? Forteen? It’s forty, right? Or is it fourty?
Don’t worry. I’m not making too many more critical medical decisions today.
Below the cut, a theme I’ve robbed from Dean: fourteen places I’ve lived. Pix to follow when I get the chance.
Thirteen things I learned from Cosmo, Part … eh, whatever
If there were even 10% truth in advertising, one issue of Cosmo would make me a happy man. Think about it: June’s “75 Hot Mattress Moves” would have yielded (rounding down) seven new tricks to wow my wife. Seven!
. . . which just happens to be the exact number of “boundary-pushing moves all men secretly crave.” All men? We’ll see about that.
50 Ways to Be Closer to Him: will I find five that would work on me?
(Undoubtedly.
1. “Hey, come here.”
2. “You coming to bed, or what?”
3. “Rub this, why don’t you.”
4. (pointing)
5. “Ahem.”
Have I mentioned yet, I’m easy?)
Follow me below the fold for more Cosmolicious (their word, not mine) goodies.
Thirteen things Americans should know about British Columbia
I shall begin this Thirteen with what is fast becoming a traditional whine:
If you knew what I had been through today, you would be impressed that I managed to write anything at all.
Cue violins, then follow me below the fold.
Foreskin Thirteen
How do I feel right now? Don’t ask.
Thirteen numbers: FINISHED!
I should have stopped with the number list and borne the brunt of your insults.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
11.
12.
13.
Because sometimes, that’s all I gots.
Thirteen questions
This time around, you’ll have to do some work: answer at least one of the following questions in the comments, and you’ll get your linky lurve, you linky lurvehound you.
Extra-special lurve for answers which creatively interpret the question(s).
Darla: ask and ye shall receive . . .
1. What was the last item you shoplifted? A Brach’s caramel at Safeway market. I was four or five, and the caramels were out there for the taking. O Safeway, thou evil temptress!
2. The last time you faked an orgasm, why did you do it? Pity. All-nighters sound like fun until the “rug burn” kicks in. (Kidding, kidding!)
3. What’s the kinkiest thing you ever did in bed? The sex itself wasn’t all that kinky. Having the dog watch (and whine) — that was kinky.
4. Why did you stop beating your wife (husband, significant other)? She didn’t seem to be enjoying herself as much as I’d hoped.
5. What do you regret more than anything else? Playing it safe.
6. If you were sixteen again and knew then what you know now, what would you do first? Write myself a note: Invest in Apple, Genentech, Dell . . .
7. What do you despise the most about your husband (wife, significant other)? She complains constantly, whines about everything, never picks up after herself, and pesters me constantly for sex.
Oh, wait! That’s me!
8. If you could force me to write about one thing, what would it be? Internship. One of these days, I’ll manage to do my Internship Thirteen.
9. What lie have you told in order to get sex? My head will explode if I don’t get off.
10. What lie have you told in order to avoid sex? N/A
11. Which deadly sin do you commit daily? LUST. And maybe gluttony.
12. What is your idea of heaven? Food and sex, presented to me with such creativity and flair that neither ever become boring.
13. What would it take to get you in bed? If you’re my frau? An invitation. I’m easy.
You know what to do!
Hmm. Maybe I should join in on Renee’s book meme
May interviews Stephanie V. Kelsey, editor-in-chief of Mojocastle Press
If you want to know who wrote this first line:
Lady Rowenna gasped in horror at the sight of Lord Raoul’s majestic purple-helmeted warrior of love.
. . . you’ll have to read Darla’s Thirteen.
I think Shaina wants us to know she’s innocent 🙂
protected static: are picky eaters universal?
thorne: if it’s Tuesday, this must be tarot
Kate’s thirteen sexy women. No fair picking next door neighbors & teachers, folks who can’t be google-imaged!
D.
Thirteen Presents for Father’s Day
Some creative ideas for the perv man of the household. I’m warning you now, don’t let the wee ones follow you below the fold.
Sorry for the quickie thirteen, but Walnut gots a cold and canna think too clearly.
Friday Fourteen: I read Cosmo so you don’t have to
June Cosmo surprises with its meaty goodness. You might actually want to purchase this one, or at least finger to the good bits while waiting in the checkout line.
We’ll be leaving for Ashland later this afternoon, so my linky lurvitude may be a little slow to manifest. When I’m posting from the Blackberry, anything too complex becomes a challenge. Now how do I copy a URL when there’s no Ctrl-C? Yeah, it’s a pain in the arse.
So if you come late to the party and you’d like some lurve for one of your recent posts, feel free to post a link in the comments. And I know a few of you aren’t HTML-savvy, so here’s a quickie tutorial.
Got it? Good!
On to the Fourteen: Fourteen Things I Learned From Cosmo, part . . . aw, whatever.