Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Thirteen Abominations
If that title strikes you as familiar, big fluffy brownie points to you for having a great memory. I’ve written not one but TWO “Abominations” Thirteens, both of which were about food. But recently, Erin O’Brien opened my eyes to one of the world’s other abominations — and it has nothing to do with food!
But I’m going to make you wait for that one . . .
1. Left Behind: Eternal Forces, a PC game loosely based on the Left Behind books. According to the Wikipedia entry, “The player joins a Christian organization (known as the Tribulation Force) who are fighting the forces of the Antichrist (known as the Global Community Peacekeepers, loosely modeled on the United Nations Peacekeepers).”
Sounds like a hoot and holler, doesn’t it? But don’t take my word for it; check out Brant Hansen’s review at Kamp Krusty.
Snip:
How can you tell who the bad guys are?
They cuss.
No, seriously.
No, seriously.
2. Guess what PC game is being sent to our troops in Iraq. No, seriously.
You can’t make up sh!t like this.
3. Opinionated people who call everything an abomination — you know, the folks who think that all gays and lesbians are going to hell, or that criticism of the President equals treachery, or that our troops in Iraq shouldn’t be playing a computer game which rewards the player for converting atheists, Buddhists, Jews, Moslems, etc. to Christianity. Why can’t they just keep their opinions to themselves?
4. The Department of Transportation’s Full Employment Plan. I have a 20-something-mile commute from home to work, and most of it is on a two-lane highway. Every summer, the DoT feels compelled to fix something on this road. Does it need fixing? No. But that doesn’t stop them. Right now, there are TWO areas receiving DoT’s tender care. One year, they spent forever fixing a stretch of 199 (the highway connecting us to Grants Pass and Medford), and in the process, they damn near killed all of the businesses on 199. LEAVE OUR HIGHWAYS ALONE. I’m sure there’s some truly effed-up infrastructure in this State which deserves your attention — FIX IT.
5. Emil Blonsky. This guy is trouble.
Emil Blonsky is a KGB agent who becomes the Abomination after deliberately exposing himself to the same gamma radiation (but in a greater quantity) that transforms Bruce Banner into the Hulk. Blonsky survives the radiation as he (like Bruce Banner) belongs to a small minority born with a genetic factor that causes mutation instead of death. Blonsky is transformed into a massive green-skinned monster with physical strength exceeding that of the Hulk. In his first appearance, the Abomination is more than twice as powerful as a calm Hulk. While able to retain his mental faculties, Blonsky soon discovered that he is unable to return to human form.
Blonsky blames his condition on Banner and returns to attack his archenemy time and again. Although stronger than the Hulk in a calm state, the Abomination has almost always been beaten by the Hulk’s enraged stage, which increases the latter’s strength and combat skills.
6. Yet another Abomination: “An abomination is an undead, ogre-like creature composed of multiple bodies gruesomely sewn together. They are composed of stretched and stitched skin, broken teeth, massive bloated stomachs, and are sporting a massive gash where their mixed entrails hang out. From their back they have an additional limb placed, and carry huge meat cleavers in all three of their hands.” Prominent abominations include Knucklerot, Bloodfeast, and Ramstein the Gorger.
7. Anger, my least favorite emotion. Yeah, I got angry today. Never mind why. And I don’t know what I hate more, being angry, or the hollow nausea that follows it.
8. Humvee limousines. I thought about including an image with this, but you know, this is such an abomination that I hate wasting bandwidth on it. Here, see for yourself if you don’t believe me. Fuck Humvees, I say, and double-penetration fuckity fuck-fuck Humvee limos. If the Devil existed, he would drive a Humvee limo.
9. What I said about Humvee limos? Goes double for neoconservatism. Double-penetration with the Devil’s icy cold member (I’m sure Lucifer will clone himself for the occasion) and no damned reach-around, either. I despise the Neocons, their apologists, and their enablers.
10. Yetis, AKA Abominable Snowmen. Here’s an image drawn by a Tibetan eyewitness:
The Yeti is known as a “cryptid“:
Cryptids are creatures presumed extinct, hypothetical species, or creatures known from anecdotal evidence and/or other evidence insufficient to prove their existence with scientific certainty.
Famous cryptids include the chupacabra, jackalope, Loch Ness monster, and humanzee. Less famous cryptids include the “globster,” which is any unidentified mass of organic matter that washes ashore. I’m still holding out for the Kraken, or giant squid, and the Loveland Frog; and, hey, I know a few lizard men.
11. Spam sushi. Yes, I know I promised you non-culinary abominations, but Karen insisted I include spam sushi.
Here’s a recipe. The concept is simple enough: marinate spam, fry it up, stick it on a brick of rice, wrap with seaweed. What’s not to like?
12. Dick Cheney’s cameltoe. (Hat tip to Lyvvie.) Have you ever seen a smaller male cameltoe?
13. Stop pussyfooting around. I don’t mind foot fetishists. It’s not my kink, but I think I can understand it; and if my wife were into that sort of thing, I’d surely accommodate her.
But this is just plain wrong. (Do I really have to say it? Okay — not safe for work! Not safe for anyone who values their vision!) Thanks a lot, O’Brien. I agree: bondage. Disembodied limbs. Pussies where pussies should never be. Eeeeeew.
So . . . what do you abominate? Tell me below, and you’ll receive some unabominable linky lurve.
dcr, soon to be the Rupert Murdoch of the blogosphere
News Flash: Dean likes sex
Over at Corn Dog’s place, AZ has a cold-blooded pal
microsoar sez I told you so
Lyvvie receives command messages from Blogger
sxKitten’s thirteen claims to suckitude
an interview with ~d (I found you!)
and protected static has a neverending story
Carrie injured her wrist. Was it poor technique using that riding crop, Carrie?
D.
I have successfully resisted to urge to click when you warn me not to do so.
Still achieving success.
Still resisting. Resistance is not futile. Resistance is…
…must… leave… Doug’s… blog… before… I… click…
#13 is bent. Warped. Completely without justification. Bizarre.
I find THIS not work-safe thing to be abominable.
For those who don’t want to click, they are the fakest looking fake teats I’ve seen outside of lowbudget porno.
Don’t lie, Dan. I heard you rustling around for your credit card.
Thanks for the abomination, Dean!
Sorry, Doug, you must have heard something else. Your topless live blogging nights have turned me off to the sight of bare skin… and hair. 😉
Love the link you came up with!
I know better than to click but I can’t help myself. Stoopid me. I took one look and thought that someone had a foot fetish for Jesus feet. Yeah I thought – you know – like the foot had been crucified. OKAY – my vision is not good. That’s my story and I’m sticking too it.
Stigmata, CD? Now, that’s funny.
I borrowed a “Left behind” title once. (Shudder)
Our library has little stickers on the spine that pictorially represent the genre. These had the “Saturn” sticker that denote Science Fiction.
When I returned the book, I quietly, with no fuss, replaced all the Saturn stickers with some little crucifix stickers I made for the purpose.
—–
I also put a handwritten note in the flyleaf of Matthew Reiley’s “Ice Station” telling the prospective reader not to bother if they had more than an eighth grade education.
Oh dear, oh dear, Dean.
Against my better judgement, I followed that Flickr photostream and ended up here. (Not work safe!)
Robert Crumb would be proud.
How neat! you can get your chopped off appendage with different coloured toenails! Because that is the proper delight – but the toes aren’t separated for sucking! That’s a serious design fault.
Now…why are they stuffing a kielbasa into that foot?
I’m with Karen on spam sushi.
Instead of “HammerTime” I’m singing “CheneyToe”
I like how the first “feature” of the Hummer limo is “White”.
I shall be back to read further…I remember the hubbub abt that book (#1) but are you saying it is a (game?!) I really need to comment AFTER I have read, huh?
Well, the tiny CheneyToe explains a lot about the man’s politics. I knew he was compensating for something!
(wow)
no, it did not take me that long to read you…Umm, games being sent to Iraq. Most lovely. (not)
Devil in a Humvee Limo…(OK, I can see that!) the pussy foot thing?! GOOD GOD! I think I would RATHER eat the Spam Sushi. (yes, I really DID say I would rather eat Spam Sushi).
I am in total agreement on the humvee limo.
Abominations? Too many to name, but here are a few:
People who can’t move over to the right curb to make a right turn (get in the f-ing lane to turn already), local TV commercials, car speakers that make my car vibrate even with my windows closed…most of these are driving abominations (another idea for a Thursday 13) and the most recent? The guy who was text messaging while driving with his elbows.
“The toes are decorated with acrylic toenails painted glossy pink, making the Pussy Foot seem even more real.”
Yeah, cause “reality” is SO important in a product like this. It would be a shame if a half-assed pedicure destroyed the illusion of reality.
Hm. Tough call.
I guess my abomination is ritual female circumcision.
As far as the foot is concerned, I couldn’t deal with it, so I consulted my doctor.
Thanks, doc.
microsoar: there is something to be said for that ass (said he with the 85-pound wife) (sorry, Karen, but you’re just not packin’ stuff like that!)
Lyvvie: I’m sure it says interesting things about you that you analyzed the pussyfoot for polyfunctionality.
Pat: and would you like your white Hummer with tires, or without? Excuse me, you’re a Canadian. Tyres.
~d: I’d rather eat Spam sushi, too. Screwing a foot is way out of my range of perversions.
sxK: agreed. What makes matter worse, I understand he stuffs his shorts with balled-up socks and he STILL looks like that.
Sis: I’d have loved to see the text messager. What an a-hole.
KariBelle: LOL . . . And the disembodied quality to the feet, that doesn’t impair the fantasy?
Erin: agreed. But that opens up a whole can of worms (executing underage women for making the mistake of getting raped, for example). Anywho, you’re welcome.
No no, it’s spelled tires here too. Also “curb”, “unionize”, and we call a truck a truck, Lorry being too close to a girl’s name. It’s the extraneous U that trips up Yanks about Canadian spelling.
Fetishes are like phobias – *yours* is sensible, everyone else’s is just plain wrong… (It’s why you can’t have generic ‘phobia’ support groups. Dunno if the exact same dynamic applies to fetishes ;-))
And I saw that foot and thought ‘OMGWTF! Stigmata!’ as well… Neither version lifts my skirt. As it were.
Oh yeah – I’m a judgmental f*cker, so my list of abominations is on the long side.
Hey-I re read that I am STILL think I would rather have Spam sushi!! Have a good weekend! (and props for ‘finding’ me).
~d
Either that OSU Tour is the most abominable use of our resources — including tax loopholes for the faithful — or it’s a scam. Numerous complaints online about their org.
[…] Reading these stories, what tickles me is the implication that Nazis were somehow unique, indoctrinating their children so early. Yet there are no shortage of “shooters” out there (games in which the goal is to shoot as many of the enemy as possible), including games targeting, excuse the pun, “Middle East terrorists.” Oh, and don’t forget my #1 Abomination, Left Behind, the Game (in which you target the faithless), currently being enjoyed by our troops in Iraq. […]