Friday Fourteen: I read Cosmo so you don’t have to

June Cosmo surprises with its meaty goodness. You might actually want to purchase this one, or at least finger to the good bits while waiting in the checkout line.

We’ll be leaving for Ashland later this afternoon, so my linky lurvitude may be a little slow to manifest. When I’m posting from the Blackberry, anything too complex becomes a challenge. Now how do I copy a URL when there’s no Ctrl-C? Yeah, it’s a pain in the arse.

So if you come late to the party and you’d like some lurve for one of your recent posts, feel free to post a link in the comments. And I know a few of you aren’t HTML-savvy, so here’s a quickie tutorial.

Got it? Good!

On to the Fourteen: Fourteen Things I Learned From Cosmo, part . . . aw, whatever.

1. I don’t know who this Ashlee Simpson person is, but she is caayuute!

Ashlee’s this month’s cover model, and as you know, the first thing I always do is look for nude photos of the Cosmo cover model. Best I could do was a nip slip. Since this is a family blog (*cough cough*), click on the pic to see the plumper version over at Gone Hollywood. Here’s more of Ashlee (safe for work — and isn’t it nice to see a real woman with curves, rather than a heroin-chic wraith?) and here’s what I call a “Hold That Thought!” pose.

But, what is it about Cosmo’s cover models? Why are they always so squeaky clean? Best I could do lately was this Eva Mendes shot, or this plumber’s view of Eva. Searching “Eva Mendes nude,” all I get is this annoying tease.

Damn it, inquiring minds want to know!

What about the cover claim — “Ashlee Simpson: No Question Was Off-Limits.” What salacious bit of self did Ms. Simpson reveal? Hmm. Perhaps that she doesn’t feel sexy unless she has cute panties. Or that she would “kill to collaborate with” Robert Smith of The Cure. Or that she has a “little crush on” Christian Slater. Christian Slater? Ew.

2. Oh, it was my ego’s fault. From June Cosmo’s first Meaty Bit^©, Cara Litke’s “Why Guys Move on So Fast”:

When it comes to grieving a failed relationship, famous guys seem to need, oh, about a nanosecond . . . .

A few examples follow. Joel Madden post-Nicole Richie, Tom Brady post-Gisele Bundchen, blah blah blah.

But male celebs aren’t the only ones with rubber hearts–many real guys rush out to find their next mates, too. The question is, why so fast? “When a relationship ends, many men could benefit from an emotional refractory period, but their egos simply don’t allow them to take it,” says psychotherapist Dorothy McCoy, EdD —

Whoa. Full stop. Since when does a doctorate in education allow you to practice psychotherapy?

Well, since, uh, forever:

Providers of psychotherapy and other mental health services may hold a number of titles, credentials, or licensures. Job titles such as “Psychologist” and “Psychiatrist” require the individual to meet specific state and national requirements. However, there are no governing bodies to regulate titles such as “Psychotherapist” and “Therapist”, so anyone could claim these designations.

‘Kay, my bad. You can call yourself a psychotherapist, Dr. McCoy. (Hah! Dr. McCoy! Jim, get your head out of your ass. I’m a psychotherapist, not a proctologist!)

Getting back to me (isn’t that what this is all about?) and my N of 1, I’m glad to see someone else using the G word — “grieving.” And here I thought I was being overdramatic all these years. As for the contention that my ego did it — because yeah, it’s true, I was on the rebound-make within days of my breakup (shame the other party didn’t want to play, too) — I disagree. Grieving is painful. Is it “ego” to seek some release or distraction from the pain? I don’t think so, but maybe I’m not sufficiently analytical.

This three-paragraph mini-article is really worth your time, by the way. Good tips for women dating men who are post-breakup, although if Karen had followed Cosmo’s advice, our relationship would have stalled in the first few weeks.

3. So now camel toes are skanky?

I always check Cosmo’s regular feature, Sexy vs. Skanky, because I know one of these days I’ll see Ear, Nose, and Throat Doctor under the Sexy column, Neurosurgeon (or Plastic Surgeon) under Skanky. Cosmo’s bound to figure this out eventually.

Regular readers know I’m a devotee of La Toe, so imagine my dismay at seeing Camel Toes in the skanky column! Not! But under Sexy, we have Peep Toes. Peep Toes? Are they talking about this,

or this?

Because if it’s the latter, I’ll grant them their point. But they’re not toes, they’re talons. Honestly.

4. I am not in Cosmo’s prime demographic.

Another fun feature is Cosmo’s “Confessions” column, wherein “readers share their most shocking stories and steamiest secrets.” This time around, I noticed something disturbing: their oldest contributor was Victor, age 33. WTF?

So that got me wondering what the “Confessions” column would look like for a more mature demographic.

I’d been trying to get back into the game after my second husband left me for his 33-year-old teeny bopper secretary, the evil bastard, may he rot in hell. And I had almost given up hope, but then I met Mitch. Smart, funny, successful, a PSA below 2. What’s not to like?

He took me to a lovely Italian restaurant, where we drank Cakebread Chardonnay, nibbled on roasted asparagus dressed with a vinaigrette, and shared a scrumptious osso buco. He regaled me with stories of his spoiled grandkids, and oh, how I laughed! We clicked so well that I gladly went back to his place, and soon we were making out like a couple of randy 40-year-olds. He stripped off my panties and was about to do something even my first husband wouldn’t do when he coughed, got a funny look on his face, and made some excuse about forgetting to take his arrhythmia meds.

It was the asparagus and the laughter — damn! I knew I should have had that bladder suspension operation. — Margaret, 56

Octavia, that’s my wife, she’s awfully self-conscious about her dentures. Won’t go out in public without them, won’t take them out for the doctor, won’t even let me see her “that way.” But, see, for a long time now I’ve wanted that woman to pleasure me without her damn choppers. Every time I ask, she laughs, gets down to business, and then what am I supposed to do? I’m always so grateful, I wouldn’t dream of pushing my luck.

Last week, I resolved to get my way. I woke up earlier than Octavia, found her teeth soaking in the bicarbonate, and hid them among some old plastic shopping bags. Then I high-tailed it. Left her a note that I had an urgent meeting with our investment broker, wanted to run some errands, would be back for dinner, love ya, bye.

When I got home, all the lights were off. Octavia hadn’t made dinner, she’d been so upset. But I was a clever cuss. I had brought home pudding cups, like for the grandkids? Her favorite! And I plied her with sloe gin fizzes until she was looser than a minx. Before long, she’d forgotten all about her lost teeth, and I had my way at last. It was heavenly!

Later, I looked around for her teeth, figuring I’d replace them somewheres she might not have searched. Then I’d be a hero and maybe I’d get seconds! But nothing, nowhere, good heavens what had she done? In her distress, she cleaned house all day. The plastic bags were gone, and her teeth with them. I had to go dig them out of the garbage, and now I’m still in the doghouse. –Thaddeus, 72

If any of my older patients are reading this . . . sorry! Anything for a cheap laugh, eh?

5. That explains it.

He May Have Been Born to Cheat

If a man’s ring finger is longer than his index finger, it means he got a big dose of testosterone while in utero. As a result, he will have a higher sex drive . . .

Et voila:

Karen’s comment: “I thought that meant you were a werewolf.” Is there a difference?

6. These days, I probably wouldn’t make a “good boyfriend.”

In “Good Boyfriend Tip-Offs,” Cosmo advises, “Major points for looking into your eyes, not at your chest.”

So whipping out the vaginal speculum on the first date is a faux pas?

By the way, if your ENT doc tries so much as a breast exam, run the other way. Collar bones and up, people.

7. At last, good casting. Celebrity Spotlight reports that Get Smart, due out next year, will have Steve Carell in the role of Maxwell Smart. Karen’s response when I asked her to guess who it would be: “Please tell me it isn’t Matthew Broderick.”

Yup, Carell is perfect. Think of all the crappy choices they could have made — Jim Carrey. Adam Sandler. Ben Stiller. (Hmm . . . Ben might have pulled it off.) But what about their choice for Agent 99 — Anne Hathaway? I don’t know her work, so I’ll hold judgment. I would have held out for Sarah Silverman, cuz she’s just so cute. And that’s why I don’t have a job casting in Hollywood.

8. I’m not the new spokesman for Lancôme. Clive Owen is.

Airbrushing, yes or no? The man has the complexion of a rural highway, but I think they’ve smoothed him out with lighting.

I consider Clive Owen to be a man’s man. Remember our old Newman vs. Redford discussion? Clive Owen has a Newman feel to him. Which of course means that none of you women are salivating right now.

9. Speaking of airbrushing: some women really don’t need it.

Catherine Zeta-Jones is a beautiful woman. She’s also 37 years old, which apparently means Cosmo has to paint away every last laugh line.

Karen’s comment: “She looks less real than a Final Fantasy character.” Indeed.

10. Cosmo’s male readers have a far better imagination than their writers.

Here’s the reason you need to buy the June Cosmo: 75 Hot Mattress Moves, sex tips from Cosmo’s male readers. It’s as much fun for what they leave in as what they leave out (absence of the words swallow and anal indicate a stern editorial hand). This is the best Cosmo sex article I’ve read in a long time. And as you know, I’ve read lots of ’em.

Let me give you a sample. Granted, what interests me may not interest you. Your results may vary.

16. “I love getting oral when I’m kneeling and she’s lying with her head propped up on a pillow.” –Dmitry, 30.

Don’t know why, but that sounds like fun.

26. “Drag just the tips of your teeth along my skin . . . everywhere. Exhilirating!” –Reynaldo, 23.

Imagine that one with a Ricardo Montalban accent.

63. “As I give you a peck, grab the back of my head and keep me there. My lust will spike.” –Colin, 25.

Keep it simple; passion is always a turn-on. Anyway, I’m not kidding you. There are a lot more keepers here than I care to type.

Number 64 is inadvertantly funny:

64. “Squeeze your breasts together while I rub my package between them, then tickle my tip with your tongue. I’ll never forget you.” –Hugh, 27.

I’ll never forget you? Am I alone in thinking “one night stand”? Hugh, I think she’s already forgotten you.

11. Whatever happened to dick, cock, or shvanz?

Cosmo can’t call a dick a dick anymore. Member, package, penis. What guy talks like that?

Since this item is a little light, I offer you a pop quiz. Name the movie, actress, and actor.

First correct respondent earns my undying respect 🙂

12. I never knew there were so many spoons.

Cara Litke offers up another fine article, “The Power of Cuddling.” And who is this Cara Litke, that she twice impresses me in one issue? Per Google, she’s a former associate editor of Cosmo, presently a staff writer for Allure. Yeah, but does she have a blog?

Apparently not. But a blog search on “Cara Litke” led me to The Sensuous Libertine, who has written a long and thoughtful post on Ms. Litke’s cuddling article. (NSFW photos on that blog, btw.)

Not macho to admit it, but I like to cuddle. I suspect I like to cuddle far more than my wife. Thus indicating desperately low self-esteem and insecurity, I’m suspect she’d say, although I think it’s very simple: it feels good. Skin hunger, baby, that’s what it’s all about. Anyway, this article offers no fewer than six different cuddling positions. Who knew? Another must-read.

13. If I were back in the field, I’d have to learn proper text messaging etiquette.

See, “We should go out sometime” means “I dig you, but I’m not sure if you like me yet,” “What u wearing?” means “Let’s have a naughty exchange,” and “I had fun 2nite” means “I want to see you again.” Apropos of this last text message,

“A guy won’t think to do a follow-up unless he’s really into you and wants to make it happen again,” says dating coach Liz Kelly, author of Smart Man Hunting. [Where are all those women hunting smart men? –D.] “Plus, the fact that he’s texting you immediately after the date, as opposed to waiting a few days, says that he’s not afraid to show his feelings.”

But back to my ignorance. “Been busy at work.” means “I’m over it.”

But I have been busy at work. Can’t I use that excuse?

And is “m8 l8er? ur gr8 puC” too crass?

14. They should tell it to the hand.

In “Don’t Buy Into These Sex Facts,” Jennifer Benjamin debunks five sex myths, including “You Need to Handle His Junk With Care” (rougher the better, IMHO) and “You Can’t Climax From a Quickie” (duh!) Ms. Benjamin also offers up “One Surprising Truth.”

A guy can actually get abrasions on his penis during sex.

Someone needed to tell 13-year-old me that before I tried to mate with my mattress.

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Have a great weekend, everyone! Doubtless I’ll be blogging our Ashland adventure. Stay tuned.

D.