Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Thirteen Presents for Father’s Day
Some creative ideas for the perv man of the household. I’m warning you now, don’t let the wee ones follow you below the fold.
Sorry for the quickie thirteen, but Walnut gots a cold and canna think too clearly.
1. The Venus 2000.
A fucking machine for men. The Venus 2000 is a high-tech, one-of-a-kind, hands-free masturbation aid with controllable stroking action, that gives you powerfully satisfying orgasms. It is easy to use: simply insert yourself into a lubricated, flexible, natural gum rubber liner. Turn on V2000 and adjust the stroke length and speed.
$845.00
Somehow, I suspect I’d tire of Venus long before I got my $845 worth.
2. A gift certificate to Mistress Matisse.
Will someone please tell Karen this isn’t adultery? The Mistress comes right out and says so.
I am not going to have sex with you.
See?
3. Liquid Love: The G-Spot Explosion
The DVD, as popularized by Erin O’Brien. Yes, I realize this is more of a Mother’s Day present, but around here it’s customary to get stuff you want for YOURSELF on other people’s special days.
4. I don’t know what it is, but it has a remote. Guys love remotes. Plus, just look at the thing: it looks like it makes a cool Sproing! noise, doesn’t it? Imagine it Sproing!ing into action when you least expect it.
Oh, and you won’t believe what those tiny little rings are for. Or perhaps you will believe it. Hell, I don’t know what you get up to in your bedrooms (except for you, O’Brien).
5. The Concubine Masturbator
Remember the LoveLump? Lyvvie found me a real version of the same — a horrifying conglomerate of vag, breasts, and glans penis. What’s up with the penis bit? That’s the part that baffles me.
6. A gift certificate to Mistress Karin von Kroft. Why?
- Because Mistress Matisse is not sufficiently Teutonic.
- Because Mistress Karin has an avowed interest in “facesitting, golden showers, strap-on training, and foot worship.” (Guess which one tweaks my fancy.) (But keep your guesses to yourselves, please.)
- Because you can never have too many dominatrices on a wish list like this.
- Just because, well, damn. And, damn. (NSFW, duh.)
7. Fantasy Leather Queening Stool.
I think I just gave away the answer to that last question.
8. Earthlite Harmony III Massage Table Package
I suppose this is tame by comparison to the other entries. On the other hand, what could be better than a thorough massage?
Besides — there’s something incredibly hot about having your head pressed into that snug little hole while someone pounds and kneads your muscles.
This is the fantasy.
This is the reality.
Oh, well.
10. World’s Most Expensive Drink
Because it can’t always be about sex, can it?
Well, can it?
The first seat Ritz Side Car. Cocktails cost 5150 dollars lodge bar only the Paris Ritz hotel.
Brandy Ritz Reserve (produced in 1830) today survived a few bottles. Over the past three years, the Ritz Side Car served only 60 times.
11. 5000 World of Warcraft gold to buy an epic mount.
This gal allowed some guy to “mount” her WoW avatar in exchange for 5000 gold. To get my gold on Father’s Day, I really shouldn’t have to have sex with an undead rogue, you know?
But hey, I’m flexible. Call me. We’ll talk.
12. A couple of new roommates.
Cute, sexy and fun, this comic is full of the clean, rollicking good sex that makes you feel fresh and young again.
Two nubile female roommates would be fun, but in a pinch, I’d settle for the comic.
Take a look at the other comix on that page. Faerie fetishism, papal kink, Kung Fu sex fighters, and more!
Last and probably least, since my head pounds every time I cough, which is too damned bloody often: something for the gift-giver on a budget.
13. A bumper sticker.
I Watch Smut, and I Vote!
It’s so funny because it’s true.
Again, sorry to give you such a quick one. But maybe I’m not sorry. Maybe you wanted a quick one, did you ever think of that?
Leave a comment, take home some linky lurve.
“I want! I want! I want!” That’s all I ever hear from Kate.
Kris proves yet again that freaks roam Teh Google.
Tiggs has a new story up. Hmm. Wonder who wrote it?
SxKitten: What are you runnin’ over there, some kind of cathouse?
Colors by Thorne (these are really great, and truly a quickie read!)
Michelle reveals the secrets of Baby Crack
Lyvvie wants a breast reduction, when she should be flashing her buttcrack. Some women have no sense.
Steve-o posts a devastating photo on the fruits of war
D.
my TT is up and boring.
but my last entry has your name on it.
I’m wondering if I should follow ANY of the above links…
Oy, I did follow a link or two and I wouldn’t put any body part anywhere near that venus 2000
I did a Thirteen this week, too. ‘Course I’m slow in letting you know about it, but still…
WOW… you’veleft me speechless, and grinning from ear to ear! I LIKE this kind of quickie, LOL!
Hugs,
Tiggs
A very thorough quickie, I must say.
Yummmi! Looks like I got here just in time for Venusday! I think 13 quickies is reasonable! I didn;t forget about the book meme, I just can’t make up my mind for # 3. My 13 is really a quicky!
Von Kraft looks scary…scary thin. I’d go with Matisse.
I wonder what you’ll actually get for Father’s Day?
Us, we’re not celebrating as the hubs said I didn’t count for Mother’s Day.
M
Kate – I found you a love-lump for your coffee table…you did say you wanted one for the coffee table didn’t you? Surely the smaller concubine would be enough? I’m rather looking forward to being invited to yours for coffee, with a group, just to gauge reactions to your concubine…Will Granny think this modern art stuff is all patooey? Summer Devon’s Concubine/cruller holder.
Doug, those old ladies in the hottub would do unholy things to you. And you’d be loving every minute of it. Admit it!