TIME’s Person of the Year: Me!
Like there was ever any doubt?
But what’s with this mirror b.s.? They could have used any of my pubbed photos, or I could have posed for a new one. It took me ten minutes to, ahem, whip this one out:
This isn’t an original idea. Blue Gal got there before me (with a very creepy offering), as did Commandante Agi (whose cover featuring Rick Santorum’s family out-creepies Blue Gal. Truth is always stranger than fiction). Read Commandante Agi’s message thread for more photoshopping goodness; and if you do one of your own using Commandante Agi’s blank Time cover, feel free to post a link below.
That’s it for me for this evening, my lovelies. Yesterday morning, I thought I had at last beat this evil crud, but by Sunday evening it had returned with bells on. Is it a new virus? Has the old one mutated? Who knows! Who cares! Shoot me now!
Tomorrow: de-ratting our house, the Next Chapter.
D.
You will believe a dragon can blow hot air
My son lost his innocence yesterday.
“At first it was like a love-hate thing, but then I just hated it,” he said afterwards, and proceeded to recount all the many ways in which the movie screwed up the book.
Take that chick standing to Eragon‘s left. Would you believe she’s an elf? Notice the lack of pointy ears or funky-colored skin. You could have knocked me over when Jake told me she’s supposed to be an elf.
Look at all those dudes (and the elf chick), posing like it’s a high school football team picture. Ooooh, they’re tough. Too bad Eragon (18-year-old newcomer Edward Speleers, looking like a younger, softer Michael York) has all the stage presence of dragon poo, so that in his scenes with Jeremy Irons, Irons seems to be monologuing. Irons does his best with a script that feels computer-generated; he and uber-evil Durza (Robert Carlyle) are the only watchable foci in an otherwise lukewarm cast.
Yeah, that’s John Malkovich over there on the right, playing the eeeevil King Galbatorix. But it’s a one-note performance and the guy has maybe two minutes of screen time. I liked Malkovich best in Being John Malkovich, incidentally, or perhaps Ripley’s Game. When he’s good, he’s very good. But I’ll never forgive him for his sterile Kurtz in the 1994 television version of Heart of Darkness.
Back to Jake’s loss of innocence. Think about it: his sole prior experience of books translated into movies was the Harry Potter series, which followed the books slavishly, often (IMO) to the detriment of the movies’ flow. I don’t think he’s ever seen one of his favorite books butchered.
Karen read the books, too, and she said the biggest flaw of the film was the lack of character development. Jake agrees. That was obvious even to me, the virgin viewer. Jake disliked that they glossed over Eragon’s magic training, but here are his top three crits:
1. “They completely rewrote the fight between Eragon and Durza. Eragon didn’t get his back injury.”
2. “They completely undermined the Ra-zac. The Ra-zac got killed! They’re not supposed to get killed until their third book! And they completely forgot the Ra-zac’s parents, which are their mounts.” (Eeew. Purge image of me riding either of my parents.) “The Ra-zac are much more powerful in the book. They had the power to put a human into a dreamlike state so they could attack them. The Ra-zacs were black, not green. And they wore cloaks and they could talk. And they could attack in the night.”
3. “They didn’t give Brom’s character enough attention. He was much more interesting.” (“More three dimensional,” says Karen. “And a lot grumpier in the book.”)
Karen adds that in the book, the relationship between Eragon and his dragon, Saphira, had more depth. And there you have it, a family meta-review . . . but I forgot one thing.
My number one crit has to do with the dragon, Saphira. Rachel Weisz is the voice of Saphira.
Mmmm. Rachel Weisz. What was I saying?
Oh, yeah. They could have saved a ton of money by using all of Ms. Weisz, not just her voice. Picture it: a few blue scales around her eyes, a few more down her naked back. Some cool-looking wings or something to explain how she can fly. Forget all that CGI dragon stuff; let Eragon ride Ms. Weisz into the sunset.
Now, that’s a movie I’d see again.
D.
The things I’ve learned
1. Jokes based on somewhat obscure literary works tend to fall flat on their faces. Or on their chocolate ears.
2. Today is the first day of Hanukkah. It falls on a different day every year. Damned lunar calendar.
3. Cats like me better when I’m drunk.
4. Karen’s “You never change” charge (see #13 of this last Thursday’s Thirteen) has more to do with personal philosophy than with any shortcoming on my part. “I don’t think anyone ever changes,” she told me when she read that bit. “You can’t change your personality.”
Do you think she’s right?
D.
Mistah Korto—he dead.
Ever wonder what sorts of presents ear, nose, and throat docs give one another? Contrary to popular belief, we don’t make candles from saved ear wax. That would require too much effort.
Here’s what I received from this dude, one of my favorite ear surgeons:
Cufflinks? Perhaps, but who wears cufflinks anymore? And that goes for tie clips, too. You might as well send me a sterling silver snuff spoon for all the good a tie clip would do me.
Expensive jewelry, perhaps? Heavens knows I’ve sent Joe lots of patients. Yeah, that’s it. To show his appreciation, he’s sent me something loaded with sapphires . . . something I could drop on the wife, score some major league points. Heck, yeah!
But when I opened the box,
Thirteen disquieting statements
For me, Thursday Thirteens provide a means of examining my life through an ever changing lens. A micro-autobiography, perhaps, where the challenge is to be honest, entertaining, and (hopefully) insightful. Like any memoirist, I suppose, I am the topic that fascinates me most. The “entertainment” angle hinges on how well I can convey that fascination to my readers — and, let’s face it, it depends on precisely how honest and how insightful I can be.
That’s the theory, anyway.
Maybe I’m more introspective these days because we’re approaching the end of what has been, for us, a difficult year. The stress has done weird things to me . . . weird in ways I can’t even begin to discuss here. Or even hint at. Suffice to say (despite #13 below) I’m feeling a lot like a pupa, and I haven’t a clue what’s going to hatch out at the end of this metamorphosis.
Below the fold: thirteen disquieting statements. Things folks have said to me which stuck like peanut butter to the palate. They don’t hurt anymore. Mostly.
Peter Boyle, RIP
This morning, I caught the news of actor Peter Boyle’s death on CNN. CNN’s writers hardly softened the sting of Boyle’s passing with the words, “best known as the dad in ‘Everybody Loves Raymond’.” You know, I don’t care if ‘Raymond’ has been on for ten years. I’ve never watched it, and that’s not how I want to remember Boyle.
I’m old enough to remember that Boyle got his big break in the 1970 movie Joe, but I think I first saw him in Diary of a Mad Housewife. (The movies my folks took me too . . . jeez louise.) He’s had one busy career ever since, but I suspect he shunned attention from the press. Based on that IMDB link, he gave precious few interviews, and sadly, I haven’t been able to find a single one online.
You can always count on Wikipedia for biographical info, however:
“Boyle was a native of Norristown, Pennsylvania and was of Irish descent. He served in the United States Army, but his military career was shortened by a nervous breakdown. Boyle was also a member of the Institute of the Brothers of the Christian Schools, or De La Salle Brothers, a Catholic teaching order, and taught drama at their school in Pittsburgh before turning to acting. He graduated from La Salle University in Philadelphia in 1957. He was briefly part of The Second City Chicago ensemble, and he studied acting with famed acting coach Uta Hagen. He had a brief scene in the critically acclaimed 1969 film Medium Cool.”
There’s more, of course.
I prefer to remember Boyle like this:
. . . as The Monster in Young Frankenstein. Genius casting by Mel Brooks, of course, but would YF have been the same with any other actor in that role? I don’t know. I doubt it. For a part with few spoken lines, Boyle was brilliant. Too bad that, at the end of the movie, he got the short end of the stick.
My favorite character of Boyle’s: Clyde Bruckman in the X-Files episode “Clyde Bruckman’s Final Repose.” Boyle played a psychic able to see everyone’s death, including his own, yet incapable of doing anything to change fate. I give credit to the writers too, of course, but Boyle’s performance captured the perfect balance of humor and poignancy — an ideal state I think all drama should aspire to.
Peter Boyle was a star in every sense of the word: a shining light, an actor who grabbed the audience’s eye the moment he appeared in a scene. As I write this, I’m choked up — I’m really not kidding. I’m going to miss him very much.
D.
Urgent appeal!
My pal Blue Gal has the #1 spot in her category for the 2006 Weblog Awards, but the lead is slim. You can vote for her here.
You can vote once every 24 hours, and the contest ends Friday.
D.
Oh, that Tom Delay blog?
Heard on Olbermann tonight: Tom Delay started a blog and had to shut it down minutes later. Why? A slew of comments, mostly hostile, some deliciously so. Down came the blog and all those comments . . . but not before James Risser re-posted everything.
Scroll down the page to read the “offending” comments. Here are a few choice excerpts.
Zalmay Khalilzad is now resigning as ambassador to Iraq. In my opinion, a staunch supporter of the war such as yourself should volunteer to fill this important post. It would do you some good to get first hand knowledge regarding Iraq . . .
Didn’t we already stick a fork in your ass and decide you’re done?
In case you thought this was a one-sided attack by us lib’ruls,
Tom, you corrupted the conservative cause and brought disgrace to our party. We can never forgive you for that. Please crawl back into your hole.
And even some celeb notice:
hi, tom!!!!
so glad you joined the blogosphere! now you can link to my articles and to michelle’s too 🙂
speaking of michelle, she just received a new batch of iraqi baby blood from general pace…if you would like to come up to nyc, drop in and you can suck on some of it too!
and, to you liberals on here….HAVE I TOLD YOU LATELY HOW MUCH I HATE YOU!!!!
December 10, 2006 | Unregistered Commenter ann coulter
Eh, that’s enough. Go see for yourself. (Warning: a lot of those comments are unimaginative, gay-baiting, and/or profane . . . leading me to believe most of these are wingnuts venting their anger. Us lib’ruls are far wittier.)
D.