Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Mistah Korto—he dead.
Ever wonder what sorts of presents ear, nose, and throat docs give one another? Contrary to popular belief, we don’t make candles from saved ear wax. That would require too much effort.
Here’s what I received from this dude, one of my favorite ear surgeons:
Cufflinks? Perhaps, but who wears cufflinks anymore? And that goes for tie clips, too. You might as well send me a sterling silver snuff spoon for all the good a tie clip would do me.
Expensive jewelry, perhaps? Heavens knows I’ve sent Joe lots of patients. Yeah, that’s it. To show his appreciation, he’s sent me something loaded with sapphires . . . something I could drop on the wife, score some major league points. Heck, yeah!
But when I opened the box,
I found a chocolate ear. Which is weird enough, but you should see the explanatory note which accompanied the ear:
LIMITED EDITION CHOCOLATE TROPHY EAR
“And this also,” said Wonka suddenly, “has been one of the dark chocolatey places of the earth.”
One of the less known tales of World War II concerns the invasion by Allied forces of the tiny South Pacific island-nation of Cacao. Due to its strategic location as a possible staging ground for a Japanese naval offensive against the Malay Peninsula, Admiral Frank Jack Fletcher dispatched a company of US and Australian soldiers to secure the island. Radio contact with the company was soon lost, but with the subsequent defeat of Commonwealth forces in the Battle of Malaya, Cacao’s military importance waned.
The fate of the allied company (under the command of Captain Darius Korto) remained a mystery until after the war. A team of Navy SEALs, sent as a rescue force, discovered the following sordid tale.
Within a day of establishing a beachhead on Cacao, the bulk of Captain Korto’s force were slaughtered by the island’s indigenous inhabitants, the Trouffs. But the Trouffs found in Korto a kindred spirit. Not only did they spare Korto’s life, they ultimately made him their ruler-deity, or El.
Vitamin deficiencies from a steady diet of the island’s only foodstuff resulted in Korto’s short, sharp descent into madness. Korto slaughtered hundreds of Trouffs, stringing their severed hands, feet, and ears as ghoulish trophies. The SEALS discovered Korto naked save for the ceremonial garb of the Trouff’s ruler-deity: the sticky but delicious Fa’ ahndoo. Perhaps revealing a deeper understanding of the nature of his madness, Korto was heard to intone, “The cocoa. The cocoa.” He died soon thereafter.
For a limited time only, we are offering Korto’s Trophy Ears, cast in the finest chocolate using moulds prepared from the Trouff-El’s ghastly collection.
Um.
I might have made some of that up.
D.
PS: This is disturbingly arousing.
And here my first thought was it was some sort of reference to the Kraut ears the GIs collected as they went across Europe during WWII.
I loved that vid.
I once saw a guy in a bar licking a chocolate zorch on a stick. Don’t know if it earned him a go at the real thing or not.
Whenever I see videos like that that obviously required a lot of rehearsing I always wonder — how in the hell did they come up with that idea in the first place?
“Gee, I’m bored. Let’s see if I can make shadow puppets have sex…”
Of course, that doesn’t mean I didn’t watch in rapt attention right until the…uh…climax of the story… Heh.
‘Kay, I’m stumped on ‘zorch’. I googled it and found ‘to attack with an inverse heat sink.’
Kris, be honest, didn’t those hand puppets give you ideas?
“Blue Velvet” popped into my head immediately upon seeing that ear photo.
BTW, your site is now being blocked by my company’s filter for being “adult.” Congrats … I guess. It’s all growed up.
But but but I do try to be adult . . . about most things!
Yeah, I guess I could have done a Blue Velvet spoof. So what which would have been more obscure: Blue Velvet, or Heart of Darkness?
Truly, the ear of darkness indeed. Haha!