Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Category Archives: Blogwhoring
GallimauFriday III: the Gonadal Special
Hat tip to Indecision 2008 for tonight’s NEWSFLASH: Hillary Clinton Denies Desire For Sweet Caress of a Woman’s Tongue.
Regulars here know I’m not a big Hillary fan. But asking her to comment on rumors that she’s a lesbian? Why, that’s as irrelevant as asking the Republican Presidential candidates if they troll airport bathrooms for long-shlonged dudes, or tryst with mommified dominatrices who let them poop their Pampers. Ask them if they’ve ever appeared in drag while you’re at it.
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For those of you who missed yesterday’s story: it’s true. We do think with our nuts. Or at least, the potential is there:
Men have a source of potentially life-saving stem cells between their legs.
A team of American researchers has found a way to easily identify stem cells in the testicles of adult mice that can be coaxed to turn into brain cells, muscle cells, heart cells, blood cells and even blood vessels.
One day, they say, male patients may be able to turn to their own testicles as a source of stem cells to repair an ailing heart or kidney or to fix the brain damage caused by Alzheimer’s or Parkinson’s disease.
Thus explaining the commonplace mid-21st Century catch phrase, “Saved by the balls!”
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It’s Yom Kippur. Have you asked Stephen Colbert for forgiveness yet? I would, except I haven’t wronged the guy.
I’d call and make shit up, but I suspect that wouldn’t be in keeping with the Yom Kippur spirit.
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Speaking of balls. From the Department of Testicular Atrophy: Vicente Fox writes that George Bush, “windshield cowboy,” is afraid of horses.
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And here’s someone that should stimulate a fair share of gonads out there . . .
Tuesday Morning Fanfare
Kris Starr has a contest. She’s offering all kinds of wonderful prizes, including Aussie man-candy, this thing that looks like a Dildo Family-Pak, some sort of S&M paddle, and that numbing cream guys use so that they can last to ease your sore back. At least, that’s what it looks like. I didn’t read the fine print.
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Monica re-posts an article on twenty ways to break writer’s block. I suppose I could link to the original article, but I like looking at Monica’s photo too much 🙂
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I sent off seven query packages in the last two days. Wish me luck.
I’ll have more for y’all later; I need to eat my lunch.
D.
Meanwhile, over at Indecision 2008
Fred Thompson caption contest! (My favorite: MelOakley’s “Move that hand a little lower ma’am, and it’ll be right on the Seat of Presidential Power.”)
Who would be best suited as each candidate’s Karl Rove? The responses for Mitt Romney and Rudy Giuliani are brilliant.
Going through Colbert/Stewart withdrawal? They’ve got the vids.
Stay tuned for a Friday Flickr babe.
D.
Wheels
Spurred on by Shakesville’s Mustang Bobby, I’d like to tell you about my first set of gas-powered wheels. But first, check out my idea of procrastination . . .
Jess’s Eight Women Who Look Better Bald Than Britney. Yeah, it’s outdated, but I found this while making a point to an old friend and well PERSYS KHAMBATTA IS HOT, OKAY? Do hhhaawt bald women need any other reason?
Jackie Kessler gives it away. (An iPod Nano, three iPod Shuffles, and a Byzantine bracelet, to be exact.) No purchase necessary.
Who says ear, nose, and throat docs aren’t fun-loving guys and gals? All depends what you call fun. Watch that video to the end, and you’ll understand why some of the women I scope say (while watching themselves on the monitor), “Is that . . . ? NO! You couldn’t be down that far!”
Amazing, the poor anatomic knowledge some folks have.
Follow me below the fold for the coolest car ever made.
Brain fry
Serendipity in the blogosphere:
Trying to find an image for “tacos cerebros,” I found The Steam Monkey, a Spanish/English blog — mostly Spanish — filled with provocative images (why, there’s one right now!) Not safe for work. Not safe for most of my readers, for that matter. But still . . . Steam Monkey’s July 24th post on obscenity is the most powerful and effective thing I’ve read on the thesis that war is the true pornography — and he proves his point primarily through images. NOT for the faint of heart, people. I’ve seen some horrible things in my career, but Steam Monkey’s second war casualty took my breath away.
And you know, it was all a mistake, too, because “brain tacos” would be “tacos sesos,” not “tacos cerebros,” I think. But there you have it. I search for the wrong thing and find a blogger with some wild sensibilities. I wish my Spanish were better!
Anyway, back to brain fry.
Subtitle: Why You’re Not Reading a Thursday Thirteen Right Now.
It’s work, of course, like always. But rather than wallow in self pity, I thought it would be more fun to search the web for actual brain fry recipes. Mostly, these are pasta & red sauce cunningly designed to look like brains. Boring! But here’s one for calves’ brains that’s the real thing:
Soak brains in cold water for 2 hours. Remove thin outer skin. Soak again in cold water for 3 hours.
Place brains in large saucepan. Cover with cold water. Add salt, onion studded with a clove, bay leaf, thyme, and peppercorns. Bring to boil. Cover and simmer for 20 minutes. Keep brains in cooking liquid until ready to use in recipe. Then remove brains and drain them.
Okay, so that’s a brain boil, not a brain fry; but the same website has a recipe for Beef Brain Curry (Indonesian: Gulai Otak) and Beef Brain Sauteed in Spiced Sauce – (Semur Otak). Those count.
I’ll bet even The Sneeze’s famous Steve wouldn’t eat this stuff.
Anyway.
I had a Thirteen planned for today. I even wrote the first three items this morning. And then work happened.
But now I have a four-day weekend, and there’s always the Friday Fourteen.
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Even if I’m not doing a TT, Darla’s courtship post deserves a shout. Go. Read.
D.
GallimauFriday
Check out The Hermit’s new political vid. Davis Fleetwood hooks into an emotion I tried to explain here, but y’all thought I was talking about music or something. And I was thinking about it again this morning on the drive to work. On NPR, they were yapping about the housing crash, about how devastating an experience it is to have your house on the market right now. “I’m so exhausted,” the woman said. “I never know when the real estate agent is going to show up, so every morning, I have to Windex the windows before I go to work.”
I thought about Davis’s video, and everything snapped into perspective.
Join me below the fold for
FROGS!
ZAFTIG WOMEN!
A FRIDAY SNIPPET!
and more, because there’s always me, too.
Argument clinic
Back when I played biologist, I used to say if you could imagine a situation in nature, nature would (eventually) provide an example. That’s not entirely true — see niches, unfilled — but it sure seemed true at the time.
I suspect it IS true in the blogosphere, though; and today I found an ounce of proof: someone has come up with an argument clinic that does John Cleese proud. (Hat tip to Crooks and Liars.)
Meet BlogWarBot (and take note of several great arguments in their comment section). Here’s my argument (I’m “guest”):
Too short to be taken seriously
Tonight, Indecision 2008 features their Candidate Casting Couch: The Simpsons, wherein their writers have decided who among the Simpsons’ cast best matches the 2008 Presidential candidates. For example,
Dennis Kucinich = Lisa Simpson
Good message, always on point, vegetarian, too short to be taken seriously
Funny post, lots funnier than this one will be. You see, I am not in a humorous mood; I have more serious matters in mind. I’m provoked by curious about that phrase, “too short to be taken seriously.” Trouble is, I suspect they’re right. Think about it. Over the ages, how many ultrashort men have been taken seriously?
Well, this guy, for one — the original Napoleon Dynamite:
And, in recent history, former Secretary of Labor Robert Reich,
Sweet Jeebus, aren’t there any more important tall people? Well, there’s always this guy —
Monday Night Pimpfest, Part Two!
Smartest PR gal ever emailed me this afternoon. She must know that bloggers pay little attention to mass emails, even if they do come from someplace as beloved as Comedy Central. So she didn’t just drop some ad-spam on me. Oh, no. She read my blog first:
Hi Douglas-
While your readers are busy blinding themselves after clicking through your “Potter Spoilers” post, I thought you would be interested to know that Comedy Central’s Indecision 2008 campaign (http://www.indecision2008.com/) is officially underway, keeping tabs on all things political so that you can either laugh or cry your way through the upcoming elections.
The site is updated daily, with embeddable clips from the Colbert Report, Daily Show, and Lil’ Bush. There are also customizable widgets and polls, which are also fully embeddable, so you can keep your readers in the loop on Today’s Conservative Talking Point (“Lure Mexicans across border with candy on a string”) and what happens if they Google “Hillary Clinton + Sexy”.
You and your readers also have the chance to visit the “Candidate Casting Couch” to weigh in on which candidate fulfills the role of the best Harry Potter characters (preview: Rudy Giuliani = Draco Malfoy, and it actually makes sense…)
So, um YEAH I’m gonna give y’all a shout if you read my stuff! Plus, that “Candidate Casting Couch” really is pretty cute. (“Al Gore = Hermione Granger. Lovable know-it-all; has grown noticeably ‘shapelier’ over the years.”) They want to know who = Harry Potter. But isn’t it obvious?
Answer below the fold.
When you ain’t got nothin’
. . . that’s when you visit YesButNoButYes.
Seriously, though, I’m feeling ill, and it’s hard to be creative when your intestines think they’re trying to have a baby. I thought about writing a post on the Total Body Orgasm. Here’s how it would start:
Last night, whilst doing research on YouPorn, I came across an instructional video on Total Body Orgasm.
Right. A pun, the lowest form of humor. Where is my head tonight?
Anyway, YesButNoButYes provides the necessary accoutrements for enjoying YouPorn, as well as an apropos YouTube video.
If I can’t make you laugh tonight, maybe they can.
D.