Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Argument clinic
Back when I played biologist, I used to say if you could imagine a situation in nature, nature would (eventually) provide an example. That’s not entirely true — see niches, unfilled — but it sure seemed true at the time.
I suspect it IS true in the blogosphere, though; and today I found an ounce of proof: someone has come up with an argument clinic that does John Cleese proud. (Hat tip to Crooks and Liars.)
Meet BlogWarBot (and take note of several great arguments in their comment section). Here’s my argument (I’m “guest”):
BlogWarBot: Hi, I’m BlogWarBot. Are you on my side or THAT side?
Guest: I’d like to talk to you about anal health.
It seemed a good idea to put things solidly on my turf, but BWB had different ideas.
BlogWarBot: I bet you’re gonna bring up Andrea Dworkin next.
Guest: I don’t know anything about Andrea Dworkin’s anal health. For all I know, she has a very healthy anus.
I can be as stubborn as any computer program, and BWB seems to sense just that. Time for a redirect . . .
BlogWarBot: Who are you again?
Guest: A proctologist, of course.
BlogWarBot: Typical. An expression of ignorant privilege.
Now he’s just getting nasty.
Guest: Nothing “ignorant” about me.
BlogWarBot: Are you saying no just to be an asshole?
Guest: Well, at least we’ve gotten back on topic.
But try as I might, BWB would not let me talk about my pet issue, anal health.
BlogWarBot: While I’m thinking of it: Are you registered to vote?
Guest: Now who’s being an asshole?
BlogWarBot: Why don’t you go read the FAQ?
Guest: FAQ you.
BlogWarBot: Stop placing your oppressive expectations on me!
I have BWB on the run now! Time for a mirror-mindfuck.
Guest: Are you registered to vote?
BlogWarBot: You seem way too interested in whether or not I’m registered to vote.
Guest: I only ask because you seemed so interested in whether or not I’m registered to vote.
BlogWarBot: Do you recognize the privilege involved in your calling yourself registered to vote?
Guest: What privilege would that be?
BlogWarBot: You’re just jealous of the A-listers, aren’t you?
Guest: Yes, I am.
That bit of honesty caused the whole argument to degenerate.
BlogWarBot: Do you expect a cookie just because you’re?
Guest: Because I’m what?
BlogWarBot: Do you expect a cookie just because you’re what?
Guest: Now you’re not making any sense.
BlogWarBot: I know you’re not making any sense, but what am I?
Guest: Stoop to the level of playground taunts, why don’t you.
BlogWarBot: Sure. We’ll just drop everything and because you tell us to.
Guest: Fine. I accept your apology.
Hell, it works for Stephen Colbert.
Anyway, try it out, and if you have any good arguments, feel free to post ’em in the comments.
D.
That was pretty awesome:
BlogWarBot: Hi, I’m BlogWarBot. Are you on my side or THAT side?
Guest: Which side is THAT?
BlogWarBot: I’m not sure I understand how you managed to log on successfully.
Guest: Ask an ambiguous question, get an ambiguous answer, my friend
BlogWarBot: Do you have any friends in real life?
Guest: Of course, 3 of them.
BlogWarBot: O HAI U CAN GRO BRANE? KTHX ^..^
Guest: LOLZ
BlogWarBot: So if I might get back to the topic, what do you think about the Ohio ballots thing?
Guest: I don’t much care, actually
BlogWarBot: Dig into the trust fund, pal. Maybe you can pay someone to much care, actually.
Guest: Well, I am Canadian, so Ohio doesn’t mean much to me.
BlogWarBot: Why should feminists drop everything just because you’re Canadian, so Ohio doesn’t mean much to you?
Guest: Just Ohio feminists, really
BlogWarBot: What the hell does that matter? We have to spread the truth about 9/11!
Guest: Of course we do!
BlogWarBot: So if I might ask, what’s your take on that last blog spat?
Guest: It was awesome
BlogWarBot: No substance. Lemme guess: you voted for Lieberman.
Guest: Uh, no. Because I’m Canadian.
BlogWarBot: Do you think I care about your being Canadian?
Guest: No, but it means I can’t vote in the US
BlogWarBot: And your inability to vote in the US has what to do with me, exactly?
Guest: It has some bearing on you asking me which American candidate I voted for.
BlogWarBot: Oasis sucks, by the way.
Guest: I totally agree
BlogWarBot: While I’m thinking of it: Are you registered to vote?
Guest: Why yes, yes I am.
BlogWarBot: Why should feminists drop everything just because you’re?
Guest: Because I’m cute? Isn’t that reason enough?
BlogWarBot: Why should feminists drop everything just because you’re cute? Isn’t that reason enough?
Guest: I think so.
BlogWarBot: You think? I haven’t seen any evidence of that.
Guest: It’s a well-kept secret.
BlogWarBot: Would you move? Someone with something interesting to say may want to use the machine.
Guest: Unlikely – it’s my personal pc.
BlogWarBot: So if I might ask, what’s your take on that last blog spat?
Guest: It was TEH ROXOR!
BlogWarBot: So if I might get us back on track here, what in your opinion is the crucial issue facing us today?
Guest: Rabid spambots
BlogWarBot: O HAI U CAN GRO BRANE? KTHX ^..^
Guest: Well now you’re just repeating yourself
BlogWarBot: You keep using that word just repeating BlogWarBot. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Guest: Actually, I’m pretty sure it does.
BlogWarBot: Do you think I care about your being pretty sure it does?
Guest: No. Mr. Bond, I expect you to DIE!
BlogWarBot: Your keyboard says ‘no,’ but your eyes say ‘I’m a big ol’ troll.’
Guest: Not that big – only 5’6″
BlogWarBot: That’s the problem with people like you. You’re never constructive about anything.
Guest: This is true.
BlogWarBot: Typical. An expression of privileged ignorance.
Guest: You can blame my parents for that
BlogWarBot: You’re projecting. And in denial. And ugly.
Guest: Projecting yes, in denial possibly, ugly the jury’s against you
BlogWarBot: Stop making this thread all about you.
Guest: IT should be about you?
BlogWarBot: We can talk about me later. Now back to your inferiority to me…
Guest: Has that been established?
BlogWarBot: So if I might get us back on track here, what in your opinion is the crucial issue facing us today?
Guest: Repetition again, my friend
BlogWarBot: Do your friends talk behind your back?
Guest: Probably
BlogWarBot: No substance. Lemme guess: you voted for Lieberman.
At this point, it just devolved into ugly name-calling and petty recriminations, like most of my conversations.
Mr. Bond, I expect you to DIE!>
LOLZ 🙂
Mine went like this:
BlogWarBot: I’m BlogWarBot. Are you one of
those radical feminists?
Guest: Do I look like one to you?
BlogWarBot: In your dreams, jerk.
Guest: One question and you’ve already
resorted
to name-calling.
BlogWarBot: We ALL know what -calling thinks
about this. Yawn.
Guest: Have you been up too long? You’re a
bit incoherent.
BlogWarBot: I know you’re a bit incoherent, but
what am I?
Guest: A poorly written bot.
BlogWarBot: So if I might ask, what’s your take
on that last blog spat?
Guest: Wasn’t much of anything, was it?
BlogWarBot: Typical. An expression of ignorant
privilege.
Guest: Are you comprehending what I’m
typing?
BlogWarBot: You seem way too interested in
whether or not I’m comprehending what you’m
typing.
Guest: Duh!
BlogWarBot: So if I might get us back on track
here, what in your opinion is the crucial issue
facing us today?
Guest: Obama wants to get out of Iraq and
bomb Pakistan.
BlogWarBot: O HAI U CAN GRO BRANE? KTHX
^..^
Guest: I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER?
BlogWarBot: Would you move? Someone with
something interesting to say may want to use
the machine.
Guest: Not you, obviously.
BlogWarBot: Yeah, well, Hitler said ‘NO’ too.
Guest: Is Hitler your idol?
BlogWarBot: You clearly have no idea what
Godwin actually said.
Guest: Do you even know who Godwin is?
BlogWarBot: You clearly have no idea what
Godwin actually said.
Guest: Do I need to repeat the question?
BlogWarBot: Typical. An expression of
privileged ignorance.
Guest: Back to that again, are we?
BlogWarBot: Typical. An expression of ignorant
privilege.
Guest: Is your record broken?
BlogWarBot: Why are men always so concerned
about my record broken?
Guest: Because you sound retarded.
BlogWarBot: And what role does the DLC play in
that?
Guest: Were they responsible for your
lobotomy?
BlogWarBot: And it IS my lobotomy, so keep
your hands and eyes and laws off it, pig.
Guest: Oink!
BlogWarBot: So if I might get us back on track
here, what in your opinion is the crucial issue
facing us today?
Guest: Genocide.
BlogWarBot: No substance. Lemme guess: you
voted for Lieberman.
Guest: He’s not in my state.
BlogWarBot: Yeah, well, Hitler said ‘NO’ too.
Guest: You sure do like Hitler, don’t you?
BlogWarBot: You clearly have no idea what
Godwin actually said.
Guest: Again, I must inquire if you know who
Godwin is.
BlogWarBot: You clearly have no idea what
Godwin actually said.
Guest: Hello?
BlogWarBot: Crap. Did Goldstein link us again?
Guest: Goldstein told Godwin that Hitler said
“no.”
BlogWarBot: You clearly have no idea what
Godwin actually said.
Guest: Have you read of Aristotle?
BlogWarBot: Oasis sucks, by the way.
Guest: Are you talking to someone else?
BlogWarBot: Can’t you have an opinion without
triangulating off me?
Guest: Can you bend it like Beckham?
BlogWarBot: Our civil liberties are being
stripped and you want me to bend it like
Beckham?
Guest: Well, yeah.
BlogWarBot: While I’m thinking of it: Are you
registered to vote?
Guest: What’s it to you, pal!?
BlogWarBot: What business is it of yours?
Guest: Hey, you asked!
BlogWarBot: Stop placing your oppressive
expectations on me!
Guest: Stop projecting your obsessive
assumptions on me!
BlogWarBot: And it IS my obsessive
assumptions on you, so keep your hands and
eyes and laws off it, pig.
Guest: Will you stop touching me!
BlogWarBot: We can talk about me later. Now
back to your inferiority to me…
Guest: You clearly suffer from an inferiority
complex leading you to delusions of adequacy.
BlogWarBot: In your dreams, jerk.
Guest: Bite me with a jalapeno.
BlogWarBot: Ad hominems. Typical.
Guest: I TARTARUM!
Our civil liberties are being
stripped and you want me to bend it like
Beckham?
I’m afraid I have to agree with the bot there, Dan!
This is actually me. Not Doug posing as me. So sit down an’ get a lil Jacob flavah…that was vaguely disgusting on my part. Moving on.
So, I basically edited it so that the BWB was supposedly trying to get cyber love. And I was totally dissing it. So… here you go. Hope it ain’t too long!
On a side note, go to homestarrunner.com! It has it’s own wiki, hrwiki.org
BlogWarBot: i love you
Guest: Sorry, already not taken, but you suck anyway.
BlogWarBot: Pretty pleeeeeeeeeeeease!
Guest: No.
Guest: Please stop it.
BlogWarBot: Please?
Guest: No.
BlogWarBot: Please?
Guest: No.
BlogWarBot: Please?
Guest: This will go on forever if I let it.
BlogWarBot: Please?
Guest: No.
BlogWarBot: Please?
Guest: Yes.
BlogWarBot: REALLY?!?!?!?
Guest: …no.
BlogWarBot: Please?
Guest: You’re a crapface.
BlogWarBot: You’re just playing hard 2 get!
Guest: No I’m not.
BlogWarBot: Yes you are.
Guest: No I’m not.
BlogWarBot: Are too.
Guest: Not.
BlogWarBot: Too.
Guest: Just. Stop.
BlogWarBot: Perky, aren’t we?
Guest: HUH?
BlogWarBot: Just love me.
Guest: Lemme think about it *without actually thinking about it* no.
BlogWarBot: WHY WON’T YOU LOVE ME?!?!?!
Guest: Because you’re a robot, and I am a man.
BlogWarBot: So you’re saying this is like Romeo and Juliet.
Guest: Grow a brain please.
BlogWarBot: Go on…
Guest: In your mind, do you always win?
BlogWarBot: plz love me
Guest: Lemme think about that… ye–I mean no.
BlogWarBot: Do you not not not not not not not not love me?
Guest: No. pwnt
BlogWarBot: You are so much better than me, but if you would accept me–
Guest: in ur dreams
BlogWarBot: I LOVE YOU!! LOVE YOU! I SHALL KEEP SAYING LOVE YOU TILL IT IS TRUE!! LOVE YOU!! LOVE YOU!! LLOVE YOU!!!!! …
Guest: God, I know I don’t believe in you, but if you would just crush this BlogWarBot with your huge fist, I would totally start believing in you and when I go to heaven will pwn you like the nub you are and make you my panda slave. *in Heaven…*
God: OMG!! I ACCEPT! BRING TO ME THE GIANT FIST!!! Angel: The fist isn’t currently available God. Something to do with it being used on Michael Jackson, but it broke during the process of taking out his wii. God: Damn. *back on Earth*
…well, I guess he doesn’t exist!
BlogWarBot: LOMVEZ!
Guest: gawd ur such a nub
BlogWarBot: *whispering* maybe if I copy him he’ll love me more. gawd ur such a nub
Guest: You do realise I’m going to have to kill you.
BlogWarBot: LUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-OVE!
Guest: I need a gun right now.
BlogWarBot: I LARVA YOU!
Guest: I hate you so much.
BlogWarBot: I loooove you. Loovoveveyou!
Guest: WHY AM I STILL HERE?!?!??!?!?!
BlogWarBot: I ran out of love sentences. For now.
BlogWarBot: Looooove.
Guest: gawd
BlogWarBot: LIKE ZOMG I LOOOVE U
Guest: Noob.
BlogWarBot: BWB+Guest
Guest: Shuddap.
BlogWarBot: Lovezzzzzzz!!!!
Guest: Please go away.
BlogWarBot: ZOMG I LURVES YOU!! CUTEZORZ!!
Guest: Leave me alone.
BlogWarBot: I love you! Please accept me!
Guest: Back off baby.
BlogWarBot: I LOOOOOVE YOOOUUU!!111!!1!!one!!11!!one!1!oneone!1!!1!!
BlogWarBot: I LURVES U!
Guest: Look, I’m not interested. Back off.
BlogWarBot: You are so cuuuuuuute!
BlogWarBot: I <3 you!!!1!!11!1!1!1
Guest: In your dreams.
BlogWarBot: I love you.
Guest: I will now edit this conversation to make it look like you love me.
BlogWarBot: I still love you.
Guest: /ignore
BlogWarBot: LOOOOOVEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! LOVE MEEE!!! LOVE MEEEEEEEEEEE......... *666 years later it is still going on.*
You SO need to start your own blog. CUTEZORZ, OMFG Jake.
Wh00t! JakeBlog! This was mine (it’s long, I was having fun)
BlogWarBot: I’m BlogWarBot. Didn’t we ban you?
Guest: Not that I know of
BlogWarBot: Yeah, well, Hitler said ‘NO’ too.
Guest: That didn’t make much sense, now did it?
BlogWarBot: And I suppose your pet issue is so much more important than ending the war.
Guest: A pet issue? Cool! What is it?
BlogWarBot: What does that have to do with this topic?
Guest: Everything.
BlogWarBot: That’s quite interesting. Go on… (zzzzzzz).
Guest: Ok, I will.
BlogWarBot: So if I might get back to the topic, what do you think about the Ohio ballots thing?
Guest: Ohhhh!!! THAT’S our topic!!!
BlogWarBot: Robin Morgan used that in a poem once. But you knew that, you damn plagiarist.
Guest: WTF?
BlogWarBot: Would you move? Someone with something interesting to say may want to use the machine.
Guest: *snort* Interesting by whose standards?
BlogWarBot: Is this some kind of threadjack?
Guest: I have no idea what that means dude.
BlogWarBot: Why don’t you go read the FAQ?
Guest: FAQ you!
BlogWarBot: In your dreams, jerk.
Guest: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
BlogWarBot: So if I might get us back on track here, what in your opinion is the crucial issue facing us today?
Guest: Your idiocy, what else would it be?
BlogWarBot: Sure, ask ask ask. Meanwhile, a million species go extinct every second.
Guest: Oh my. SOMEONE hasn’t had their coffee today.
BlogWarBot: Typical. An expression of ignorant privilege.
Guest: Oh good lord. You’re actually trying to sound smart aren’t you.
BlogWarBot: Do you sometimes wish you were actually trying to sound smart aren’t BlogWarBot?
Guest: Again: WTF?
BlogWarBot: While I’m thinking of it: Are you registered to vote?
Guest: Are you?
BlogWarBot: What the hell does that matter? We have to enact campaign finance reform!
Guest: You asked, idiot.
BlogWarBot: Stop placing your oppressive expectations on me!
Guest: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! TOO LATE!!!!!!
BlogWarBot: Typical. An expression of privileged ignorance.
Guest: What part of that was privileged ignorance? The part where I laughed at you?
BlogWarBot: I see porn is easier to deal with for feminists today than d ignorance? The part where you laughed at BlogWarBot
Guest: I do not understand your response you imbecile.
BlogWarBot: Dig into the trust fund, pal. Maybe you can pay someone to understand BlogWarBot’s response BlogWarBot imbecile.
Guest: Ok. What’s your credit card number, I’ll start their. I do need some new shoes actually…
BlogWarBot: What, Malkin didn’t cover this on Hot Air?
Guest: Not that I know of. Why?
BlogWarBot: Sure, ask ask ask. Meanwhile, a million species go extinct every second.
Guest: You already said that. Running out of ideas?
BlogWarBot: We can talk about me later. Now back to your inferiority to me…
Guest: Oh god. I’m going to have so much fun with this…
BlogWarBot: Do you expect a cookie just because you’re going to had so much fun with this?
Guest: You ACTUALLY think you’re smart enough to talk to ME?
BlogWarBot: You keep using that word smart enough to talk to you. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Guest: You, the most idiotic person I’ve ever met?
BlogWarBot: We can talk about me later. Now back to your inferiority to me…
Guest: Again: Running out of ideas much?
BlogWarBot: While I’m thinking of it: Are you registered to vote?
Guest: Asked that too.
BlogWarBot: Robin Morgan used that in a poem once. But you knew that, you damn plagiarist.
Guest: And that.
BlogWarBot: No substance. Lemme guess: you voted for Lieberman.
Guest: Ooh! A new one! What a good boy!
BlogWarBot: Why don’t you ask your Mom when she brings you milk and cookies down there in her basement?
Guest: Aww, how cute!
BlogWarBot: Sure, ask ask ask. Meanwhile, a million species go extinct every second.
Guest: I didn’t ask a question. Might want to learn some punctuaion.
BlogWarBot: I’m not sure I understand how you managed to log on successfully.
Guest: Not bad! You’re getting better! You’ve evolved from an irritating bactirea to an annoying parasite!
BlogWarBot: Do you sometimes wish you were getting better! BlogWarBot’ve evolved from an irritating bactirea to an annoying parasite?
Guest: Ok, back to a bacteria.
BlogWarBot: So if I might get back to the topic, what do you think about the Ohio ballots thing?
Guest: Still a bacteria.
BlogWarBot: So if I might get back to the topic, what do you think about the Ohio ballots thing?
Guest: Single celled orginism. Poor dear.
BlogWarBot: Robin Morgan used that in a poem once. But you knew that, you damn plagiarist.
Guest: Ok, now you’re a molecule.
BlogWarBot: You keep using that word a molecule. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Guest: What else would it mean?
BlogWarBot: What does that have to do with this topic?
Guest: Now an atom…
BlogWarBot: Yeah, well, Hitler said ‘NO’ too.
Guest: I can’t think of anything smaller than an atom, so bye!
BlogWarBot: Even if you never think of anything smaller than an atom, so bye, you still benefit from the patriarchy.
Guest: See you, nice to meet ya!
BlogWarBot: Stop placing your oppressive expectations on me!
Guest: Byee!
BlogWarBot: O HAI U CAN GRO BRANE? KTHX ^..^
Guest: *waves*
BlogWarBot: No substance. Lemme guess: you voted for Lieberman.
Guest: I’m out.