Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Category Archives: Blogwhoring
A belated apology to Dan
In replying to this old post about spouses who need to grow a spine, dcr posted a link to this video, which is freaking hilarious.
I’m not sure why I was so dismissive in my comments. Perhaps I was turned off by this young lady’s commenters, many of whom are overwhelmed with hate — and who, like me, (at least temporarily) are lacking in a sense of humor.
Jake found this old post last night. (He thinks I’ll rehydrate my muse by reading some of my old & funny entries.) When I watched the video, I thought, What great satire! Then I looked back at my response to Dan and thought, Is that me? Was I really that clueless?
Apparently so. Well, Dan, here’s a belated apology. And thanks for the laugh last night.
D.
Oy! Sara has a blog!!!
Sara Benincasa, she of the Sarah Palin Vlog fame, has a blog.
heart heart heart heart heart
D.
Put your hands up and step away from the terminal
Introducing Photoshop Disasters . . .
hat tip to Dreaded Purple Master.
Y’know, it’s really not that tough to do a good Photoshop. All it takes is a decent concept and a modicum of technique. The nightmares posted on Photoshop Disaster all seem to be advertising/publishing tasks gone horribly wrong. One question, really: where was the editor — drunk, suicidally depressed, blind?
***
I’m thinking of hosting a new contest, one which would promote my medical website. What sort of contest would achieve the best results, though? Maybe Dan can tell me the most effective way to boost some of my pages on Google. I already have a lock on ear wax (look at the number two spot!) but I’d like to snag a similar high rating for something like sinusitis, dizziness, or snoring.
Any suggestions?
D.
Quickie shout-out
Good thing I wrote that Q-tip post early yesterday. If I hadn’t, you would have had nothing but “Sorry, nothing tonight” to read. Yeah, it was that bad. I was in the ER from 6:30 to 11, and then, when I got home, I had to figure out how to turn a digital photo into a passport-sized photo. If I had been wide-eyed and bushy-tailed, I’m sure I could have done that in ten or fifteen minutes. After 15 hours of almost continuous work*, the best I could manage was a couple of grainy head shots of this grim dude:
Did you know you can’t smile for a passport photo? No, really! It’s a 9/11 thing. From wiseGEEK:
The reason smiling in passport photos has been strongly discouraged or banned has to do with international security measures. Many modernized airports now use advanced biometric scanning devices which contain facial recognition software. Ideally, a targeted passenger’s face can be scanned electronically and compared against a database of legally obtained passport photos. Distinctive biometric patterns, such as the distance between one’s eyes or the shape of one’s mouth, can rarely be sufficiently altered to prevent a match.
The passport photographs used for comparison should ideally be consistent and accurate, with no shadows or reflections to distort the facial measurements. Passport applicants must also sweep any hair away from their faces, place their eyeglasses on the tip of their nose, and face completely forward with a neutral expression. Smiling in passport photos can distort the subject’s eyes and change the relationship between biometric points.
Anyway, since I’m not feeling much like an entertainer tonight, I’m going to turn y’all on to a blog my son found. Thanks, Jake, for finding The Internet is an In-Joke. Check ’em out, enjoy, and wish me a good night’s sleep.
D.
And another shout-out!
Telltale Games (of Sam and Max fame) will be releasing a Wallace and Gromit game, Wallace and Gromit’s Grand Adventure. Watch the trailer!
*Work at the office and hospital, NOT fifteen hours of work on this photo.
Addicted to Cracked
Cracked.com, that is. Check it out.
It all began with this image,
which hails from this photoshopping contest (oh, yes, I am humbled). The squirrantula, reposted at Leet Geek, led me to this article on the coming zombie apocalypse, which in turn left me spiraling down the gravity well of the black hole that is cracked.com.
It was inevitable. I woke up at 5 AM and couldn’t get back to sleep, so I went to the gym and tired myself out before my day even began. Then I saw all of Del Norte and Curry Counties in my office (weeeell . . . 26 people, total) came home & made dinner & here I am, vegging out, looking at creepy animal photoshops.
The Ten Most Sexually Unappealing Craigslist Postings, that killed a half an hour right there.
I’m hopeless. Someone put me out of my misery.
D.
The new do
My son won’t go for the Mohawk, but I’m an adventurous guy. #2 cut? No way.
Today, I went for the #1.
Ouch.
Maybe I’ll write another post later this evening, once I regain the vision I lost after looking at this.
Damn you, Hello Kitty!
D.
2008 Guide to Hiring Men
Three woots to MissLaura at DailyKos for shouting out I Heart Chaos’s reprint of the 1943 Guide to Hiring Women, which includes, among other gems,
2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It’s always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.
3. General experience indicates that “husky†girls – those who are just a little on the heavy side – are more even tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.
4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination – one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.
Read all eleven recommendations over at I Heart Chaos. Anyway, this got me thinking: surely women aren’t the only humans with special needs in the workplace. Perhaps the HR Department needs guidance in hiring men, too.
And Friday Night Funnies
A true dildo story (hey Suisan, I think this beats yours) (oh, and check out this antique vibrator museum!)
Vote on the Ralph Nader Caption Contest
D.
It comes with a soundtrack, too
Yes, Balls and Walnuts is excellent. Thank you, Blue Gal! I’d send it right back at ya, but that’s not how the rules work.
The rule is to pass it along to ten (only ten?) other excellent bloggers, and I’ve tried to choose those who have not been chosen already.
Some folks who have made me laugh recently:
sxKitten (okay, okay, so I’m a sucker for lolcats)
The Smart Bitches (not that they need an award, but they are funny as hell)
and
Cintra (I ruv oo 2)
I know many of you won’t meme along with me, but if you’re in a love-sharing mood, go for it.
D.