Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
2008 Guide to Hiring Men
Three woots to MissLaura at DailyKos for shouting out I Heart Chaos’s reprint of the 1943 Guide to Hiring Women, which includes, among other gems,
2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It’s always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.
3. General experience indicates that “husky†girls – those who are just a little on the heavy side – are more even tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.
4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination – one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.
Read all eleven recommendations over at I Heart Chaos. Anyway, this got me thinking: surely women aren’t the only humans with special needs in the workplace. Perhaps the HR Department needs guidance in hiring men, too.
Here we go.
1. Hire young, single men and make sure their supervisors are attractive women. They’ll work 70% longer hours and use their time with 100% greater efficiency, all in the hopes of gaining favor in their supervisor’s eyes. Note that the supervisor’s age, sexual orientation, and marital status are irrelevant to this dynamic.
2. Management positions should go to gay men only, since you will need gay supervisors for your gay male employees. Needless to say, straight men are of no use to you whatsoever in higher level management positions.
3. When you must hire older men, make sure you have provided ample bathroom breaks in their work schedule. Alternatively, invest in waterproof upholstery.
4. For your male work areas, provide high partitions between cubicles, desks with “solid fronts,” and an excellent negative pressure ventilation system. Men like to pick their noses, scratch their genitalia, and fart at will, but they don’t want to watch or smell their like-sex colleagues doing the same.
5. Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Men have fragile egos, easily shattered by the casual comments of their female supervisors. Ideally, guide your male employee into suggesting the path you had intended all along, then compliment him on his impressive leadership skills. Under your breath, say, “Wow, what an alpha,” quietly, though, and with sincerity, since some men might misinterpret this as sarcasm.
6. Company outfits should fit tightly in the buttocks. This cannot be stressed enough. Men like to be desired, and women like to look at tight butts, so proper attire will be a real benefit to office morale.
7. Although the dynamic described in #1 and #2 is critical to an efficient and productive work place, stress to your management team that they must never under any circumstances consummate this fantasy relationship with their employees. Remind them what happened to Dave and Maddie in Moonlighting, or to Sam and Diane in Cheers. Tell them, “You wouldn’t want to get canceled, would you?”
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Feel free to add more advice in the comments!
D.
the most obvious one: Don’t allow too many men in a small area for too many hours at a time or the testosterone level will grow dangerously high and fights will break out.
Larger men tend to be jollier so allow that group work with the public. Encourage the ones with grey or white hair to grow beards and call them “santa” They like that sort of attention.
too much time on your hands, lol that was funny
Great post! My husband is an engineer and works in a nearly all-male environment (sad to say, women are still scarce in his rather esoteric field). He would agree with #4 wholeheartedly! 😉
thanks, y’all 🙂