Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Category Archives: Humor
Friday morning question
Yesterday’s Question of the Day at Shakespeare’s Sister inspires me to ask:
What’s your favorite YouTube video?
Give us the links so we can all waste buttloads of time, ‘kay? By the way, if Suisan made a YouTube video of her Devil Rat, it would be my favorite.
D.
PS: I haven’t live-blogged in a while. How does Saturday night sound, 7:00 PM PST?
‘Twas a dark and stormy night.
The 2006 Bulwer-Lytton Contest winners have been announced. Here’s the runner-up for the Romance category:
Sex with Rachel after she turned fifty was like driving the last-place team on the last day of the Iditarod Dog Sled Race, the point no longer the ride but the finish, the difficulty not the speed but keeping all the parts moving in the right direction, not to mention all that irritating barking.
Dan Winters
Los Altos Hills, CA
You want to read the first place winner? You’ll just have to go see for yourself!
Hat tip to Bill in Portland Maine, at Daily Kos.
D.
Tukhes lecher
As promised yesterday, ten Yiddish curses (from the Yiddish Radio Project):
1. Khasene hobn zol er mit di malekh hamoves tokhter.
He should marry the daughter of the Angel of Death.
And this is bad why?
2. Oyf doktoyrim zol er dos avekgebn.
He should give it all away to doctors.
Indeed. We doctors deserve it.
Keep reading . . .
Move over, Satan!
In a recent AP-AOL poll asking Americans — AMERICANS — to rate our country’s top villains, Dubya whupped all competitors, including Bin Laden, Kim Jong Il, and Satan. Don’t Floss with Tinsel has the video.
Now, hold on, wait a sec . . . the MoE is plus/minus 3%. That means Bush might have had only 22% of the vote, while Bin Laden, his nearest competitor, might have had 11%.
Nope. It’s still a 2:1 wipeout.
But hot damn. I think Dubya has finally found something he’s really, really good at: villainy.
D.
Mashup extravaganza
I never thought I would owe a debt of gratitude to USA Today, but here goes: thanks, USA Today! In the 1/23/7 issue, Janet Kornblum reported on the mashup phenomenon. Remember Brokeback Spongebob? Brokeback to the Future? The Shining reinterpreted as the feel-good movie of the century? All mashups.
Naturally, I’ve been spending the last half hour watching mashups, first at YouTube, then at The Trailer Mash, a blog devoted to mashups. Favorites thus far:
Saturday Night Live’s Apocalypto. See the Apocalypto Gibson really wanted to make.
Titanic: Two the Surface. Jack’s back! Frozen in a block of ice, he’s revived in the 21st Century to begin life anew.
Neo vs. Robocop. Which would have been MUCH better if Robocop had iced Neo, but hey, you takes what you gets. With a special guest appearance from Yoda.
and my personal favorite,
Hamlet is Back. Schwarzenegger as Hamlet. Brilliant concept, masterful execution.
Now you night owls have something to keep you entertained.
D.
Where I get 99% of my traffic
Too. Much. Fun.
Hat tip to Jim Donahue. From The Generator Blog. The Ben and Jerry’s Flavor Generator was fun, too, but I couldn’t figure out how to copy the image; I wanted to share my flavor with the world — Deep Throat Sundae.
You’d have liked it. Creamy.
D.
Mistah Korto—he dead.
Ever wonder what sorts of presents ear, nose, and throat docs give one another? Contrary to popular belief, we don’t make candles from saved ear wax. That would require too much effort.
Here’s what I received from this dude, one of my favorite ear surgeons:
Cufflinks? Perhaps, but who wears cufflinks anymore? And that goes for tie clips, too. You might as well send me a sterling silver snuff spoon for all the good a tie clip would do me.
Expensive jewelry, perhaps? Heavens knows I’ve sent Joe lots of patients. Yeah, that’s it. To show his appreciation, he’s sent me something loaded with sapphires . . . something I could drop on the wife, score some major league points. Heck, yeah!
But when I opened the box,
Krugy gets a threesome
You remember Krugy, my wandering sperm? That lucky boy has seen some lush boobage as well as some delightful back-door action. Now, he’s experienced every spermatozoon’s wet dream: the ménage à trois.
First came Kris,
Then came Rella,
Then Krugy got down to some hot pussy action:
Caption Contest
Win . . . um, the respect and love of your peers?
Hat tip to Smart Bitch Psycheros (in the comment thread) for this lovely image:
Caption away, folks!
D.
Butt cleavage bonanza
Recently, I received the following email from Chester Langgröd, CEO of Flickr:
Dear Mr. Walnut,
We were dismayed by the recent poor showing of Flickr versus our competitor, Google (Flickr and Google Go Toe to Toe), vis a vis cameltoe images. Indeed, we hold your competition largely responsible for last quarter’s shortfall in Flickr’s page views. We at Flickr consider it our solemn responsibility to become the internet’s slickest entry portal for viewers of salacious images, and have in recent weeks provided numerous incentives to our patrons, encouraging them to upload a wide range of unique and stimulating graphic content (see the recent Wall Street Journal article entitled Eager to Capture Soft Core Market, Flickr Pitches Big Tent).
Accordingly, we would like to encourage you to host a rematch, possibly using one of the following search terms:
ass bandit
ass crack
ass master
Seven pages of suggestions follow, concluding with:
well hung
wet beaver
X-rated.
I’m sure you will be pleased by our upgraded content.
Yours in faith,
Chester Langgröd, CEO
Okay, Mr. Langgröd, you’re on. However, since some of my readers are underage, I’m going to go with the somewhat tamer search term (which you did not suggest), butt cleavage. Let’s see how you and Google stack up.
Friends, some of these images may not be work safe.