The Idiot’s Guide to Getting Girls, Chapter 1

While searching for an Idiot’s Guide to Fishing, I found this gem. Comedy gold, I thought, and I was right.

As a single man, you probably have a goal: to meet as many single women as possible.

Meet. Is that what you call it.

I’ve recorded my review of Chapter One using Stickam. One-point-five hours later, it’s still “processing.” And it was good, too! So now I’m torn — should I try doing it again using YouTube, or wait a bit longer?

To hell with it. I’m going to go roast my chicken. If the video still hasn’t “processed,” I’ll try again using YouTube.

Watch this space.

Okay, here’s my second attempt, this time on YouTube. If the Stickam one ever finishes processing, I’ll post it, too. That one came out better. The YouTube vid has quality issues. On the other hand, the YouTube version prompted my wife to threaten my generative organs with a nail file, so perhaps that one has special qualities, too.

D.

Kneel before me and do my laundry, bitch!

Bet that title woke y’all up.

Amanda Marcotte at Pandagon has a sweet hit piece on MSN’s June Cleaver-esque article, 5 Doable Resolutions:

Cook More Often
Revamp Your Wardrobes
Book a Do-Nothing Vacation
Stop Having Sex in Your Bed
Support His Guys’ Nights Out

I can’t top Ms. Marcotte’s rapier-sharp snark . . . but in the interest of those women* trapped in one-sided relationships, how about an alternate list of resolutions?

Let Him Discover He Does, Indeed, Know How to Cook

You know that new Persian place across town, the one you’ve wanted to try for months, but he says Persian gives him heartburn? Go. Take a girlfriend or two. Take the kids, if you like, because they’re more open to new things anyway. Leave your man a six-pack of Quaker Instant Oatmeal if he’s that much of a loser in the kitchen.

When he learns he can satisfy his own caloric needs, think what an empowering experience it will be for him. He’ll thank you for it.

Let His Dirty Underwear Pile Up

He’ll pretend not to notice . . . until the day when he begins smelling himself in the car. And in the office. And in bed.

Which won’t bother you at all, not one bit, because you’re going to:

Book a Do-Nothing Vacation . . . For Yourself

Think of all those friends you’d like to visit, the ones he doesn’t like, and so in the interest of marital harmony, you’ve been phoning and emailing them all these years. But, you know what? There’s no substitute for simply being with a friend.

Think of all those places he has declared too hot, too cold, too expensive, too boring — places you wanted to see.

Tell him, “Hon, I know I’ve been a great big stone around your neck lately, a genuine pain in the ass; I’ve been whining for so long, it’s almost like I’ve lost the ability to communicate with you in any other way. I thought you would like a few days free of my bullshit. You work hard; you deserve it.”

It’s called projection. He’ll never figure it out.

Make Him Watch

Guy’s like to watch, after all. Afterwards, when he points to his groin and makes unintelligible noises which translate as, “My turn,” roll over and start snoring.

Even the score, baby!

And if you do nothing else this year,

Grow a Spine

Spines come in handy. They help you to stand taller, so that you can see things you’ve never seen before, breathe easier, eat with less pressure on your chest, look eye-to-eye with your less downtrodden friends. And who knows, your man may discover he likes a woman with a spine; and he might like himself a little more, too.

D.

*None of my readers, of course. I’m directing this at women who eat up that MSN article like candy.