Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
I’m not fat, I’m big-boned!
We learned yesterday that Harmonica, our gigantic ferret, does not have a hormonal problem. We’ve been waiting a couple weeks for the result of a blood test. The verdict: he’s fat, and he needs to go on a diet.
Meanwhile, my comic edge is blunted by the fact I’ve seen 59 patients in the last two days. So I came home, snapped at my son, and then tried to put my dominant hand into the garbage disposal. (Try explaining that to my Worker’s Comp insurance rep.) Reminds me of the time post-call, during residency, when my right hand stabbed my left hand with a scalpel. I don’t think they’ve talked since.
Since I can’t be funny, I’ll let Lisa Altalida do it for me. Here’s more from Chapter One of The Pocket Idiot’s Guide to Getting Girls.
You are actually the type of guy that women want. See the power in that. You can meet women just as readily as stereotypical men. Real men have as good a chance to meet attractive, nice women as the next guy. The key is to understand what your strengths are and improve on your weaknesses.
. . . answer these questions to determine your positive traits:
1. Are you funny? Not at the moment.
2. Do you make others feel comfortable? The old folks feel pretty good after I get the wax out of their ears.
3. Do you have a nice smile? You be the judge.
4. Do people compliment your eyes? Only if “Didn’t get much sleep last night, eh?” ranks as a compliment.
5. Do you tell good stories? Yeah, sure. I told my patient this afternoon, a teenage girl, the story about my microbiology prof, Stan Falkow, who once showed a slide of a cholera bucket* with the caption, “Other people’s feces are my bread and butter.”
6. Are you a good friend? If I had any, I would ask them.
7. Do you have a nice physique? Yup. I call it “Russian Mud Wrestler.”
8. Can you point out any other positives? I only pick my nose when people aren’t watching. Except during live-blogging. But that’s not nose-picking, that’s nose-rubbing, so shut up already.
And I have this idea for another novel, but I’m always afraid I’ll irk the piss out of my readers if I bore them with story ideas, so I’m keeping it to myself. That’s a positive too, isn’t it?
D.
*Cholera bucket: a container marked volumetrically, placed below the cholera patient’s hindquarters to catch the drips. Here’s the idea: however much volume comes out, that’s how much volume needs to be replaced. This is a big help, since dehydration is one of the primary ways cholera kills.
Yes, I explained that to my patient. See? I’m an educator, too.
Won’t irk the piss out of me. Dish the story.
your smile in that example? scary
cholera buckets? scary.
the number of patients you’re seeing? terrifying.
yo, aren’t you the one who goes on and on about how horrible it is to pick the nose?
Okay, Lyvvie, you got it. My only other idea tonight was a review of Christopher Moore’s Lamb, but that can wait.
Kate, I get to pick my nose because I had five years of postgraduate training to teach me how to do it right.
I hope most of that is in jest, Doug. I mean, I poke fun at myself, too, but cut yourself a break.
Also, that ferret’s belly demands immediate snorgling. I know, because it looks almost exactly like one of my cats’ bellies, only less bald and more wiggly.
Will you be posting proper nose-picking methods any time soon? This dry weather leaves me all crusty…
Proper Nose-Picking Technique
(Damn. That could have been tonight’s post.)
1. Use Q-tips, not fingers. Q-tips = clean. Fingers = carriers of DISEASE.
2. Moisten the Q-tip. Ayr Gel is a fine product, sterile saline (like you would use for contact lenses) isn’t bad, tap water is better than nothing in a pinch. Vaseline is a no-no, as are vaseline-based antibiotic ointments.
3. Run the moistened Q-tip around in your nose.
4. Throw out the Q-tip.
5. Repeat as needed with more moistened Q-tips.
Nasal saline rinses (available in most drug stores) are an even better idea. Use as needed.
Something called lipoid pneumonia, which can result from chronic use of vaseline in this manner.