Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Kneel before me and do my laundry, bitch!
Bet that title woke y’all up.
Amanda Marcotte at Pandagon has a sweet hit piece on MSN’s June Cleaver-esque article, 5 Doable Resolutions:
Cook More Often
Revamp Your Wardrobes
Book a Do-Nothing Vacation
Stop Having Sex in Your Bed
Support His Guys’ Nights Out
I can’t top Ms. Marcotte’s rapier-sharp snark . . . but in the interest of those women* trapped in one-sided relationships, how about an alternate list of resolutions?
Let Him Discover He Does, Indeed, Know How to Cook
You know that new Persian place across town, the one you’ve wanted to try for months, but he says Persian gives him heartburn? Go. Take a girlfriend or two. Take the kids, if you like, because they’re more open to new things anyway. Leave your man a six-pack of Quaker Instant Oatmeal if he’s that much of a loser in the kitchen.
When he learns he can satisfy his own caloric needs, think what an empowering experience it will be for him. He’ll thank you for it.
Let His Dirty Underwear Pile Up
He’ll pretend not to notice . . . until the day when he begins smelling himself in the car. And in the office. And in bed.
Which won’t bother you at all, not one bit, because you’re going to:
Book a Do-Nothing Vacation . . . For Yourself
Think of all those friends you’d like to visit, the ones he doesn’t like, and so in the interest of marital harmony, you’ve been phoning and emailing them all these years. But, you know what? There’s no substitute for simply being with a friend.
Think of all those places he has declared too hot, too cold, too expensive, too boring — places you wanted to see.
Tell him, “Hon, I know I’ve been a great big stone around your neck lately, a genuine pain in the ass; I’ve been whining for so long, it’s almost like I’ve lost the ability to communicate with you in any other way. I thought you would like a few days free of my bullshit. You work hard; you deserve it.”
It’s called projection. He’ll never figure it out.
Make Him Watch
Guy’s like to watch, after all. Afterwards, when he points to his groin and makes unintelligible noises which translate as, “My turn,” roll over and start snoring.
Even the score, baby!
And if you do nothing else this year,
Grow a Spine
Spines come in handy. They help you to stand taller, so that you can see things you’ve never seen before, breathe easier, eat with less pressure on your chest, look eye-to-eye with your less downtrodden friends. And who knows, your man may discover he likes a woman with a spine; and he might like himself a little more, too.
D.
*None of my readers, of course. I’m directing this at women who eat up that MSN article like candy.
Here’s one for you to assist. 😉
Well, THAT was a vile bit of mysogyny. And you were visiting that site why?
I need to grow a spine. Maybe I can have one transplanted from a cadaver.
DCR: what an all-round bizarre link.
CD: you should be able to manufacture one with some quick-dry cement, a few popsicle sticks, and some red yarn.
I’ve never had a spine, but Dean lets me borrow his from time to time.
CD, sxK, cut it out. You are two of the most spineful women I know.
Fwiw, I MAKE Bill go do ‘guy things’ otherwise he drives me batshit here at home. I once bribed off his brother and cousin to take him fishing, just to get him out of my hair for a while. If I didn’t encourage him to go do things, he’d hardly leave the house except to go to work. He certainly encourages me to go do stuff I like, it’s only fair I do the same.
Cooking instead of eating out or takeout is good advice, financially and nutritionally.
Vacations, active or otherwise, are for rich people. We get time off work, we work on the house.
It’s not re-vamping, but pruning your wardrobe the article talks about.
And sex not in bed? Why do you think we’re in such a toot to get the kid off to college? 😉
Maybe I’m weird, but I don’t see the problem with the MSN article. It’s a fluff piece, no different that what you’d find in Woman’s Day, Redbook, or Family Circle. I know many women who would never consider letting their husbands out the door with the guys, streamlining their closets, having sex with the lights on – let alone anywhere but the same old mattress – or cooking more than once a week. And they go in debt to go on vacation.
Sorry, I think the Pendagon response was a bit much.
(Btw, Bill can cook, and do laundry, and everything else. He was a much better housewife than I am)
Guess it’s all a matter of context, Tam. I know a few women who need spine transplants; Amanda Marcotte’s take on the MSN article resonated with me because I had those gals in mind.
Yeah, there are doormats. I know that. But I run into a lot more uptight, paranoid, controlling bitches than doormats. Or ones that expect to be paid. There are a lot of those, too.
Hubby makes a mistake – could be anything from spilling sugar to coming home reeking of perfume – it’s all fixed by jewelry. Have an argument and get a new car! After weeks/months/years of aloof frigidity, let him get a little and – wow! – upgrade to a bigger/fancier/more expensive house!
I’ve known many women who think men are merely tools to manipulate to get STUFF. Men are no more than walking, talking, checkbooks. Once the money’s all dried up and gone, once the guy’s in debt up to his armpits and the bills come due, it’s time to move on to a new guy, new jewelry, new house, new credit card. Because, after all, the woman deserves it!
Those women tick me the hell off. lol
Strange! I can only think of one woman who meets that description, an ex-wife of a friend of ours. She dumped her guy when she realized he was never going to be able to keep her in the style to which she had (from childhood) become accustomed.
Oh, and I remember a girl from jr high whom I had a crush on through 9th grade. When I got back in touch with her during freshman year of college, she wrote me that she was engaged to some guy with a good job (IIRC, it wasn’t that great of a job) and added, “I know where to butter my bread.” That expression still makes me shiver, with its cold calculation.
I know plenty of women who fit Tam’s description. I was married to one for a long time, although she didn’t do any dumping and moving on. But she controlled everything in our relationship. And like Tam, I know a fair number of women who fit that description. They may control with anger or sex or illness, but they do control.
That isn’t to say that there aren’t controlling men: there are. I’d guess that the numbers are probably pretty equal, and the operative similarity is that these are people who are willing to use whatever weapons are available to them to get what they want.
That MSN article was like something out of the 50’s. Nice to see your response to it!
Grew a spine in 2007 and called the attorney. He still associates sorting socks with being a good wife, but by May he won’t have a bad wife to complain about any more. What a relief it is….
Like Blue Gal, grew a spine late in 2002 (WOW… over five years already… Unbelievable!!) — ‘cept I was a tad more dramatic than just calling a lawyer — that came afterward.
Am a much better human being for it, too. 🙂