Balls and Walnuts
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House of Pancakes
A while ago, I had the bright idea of drafting the Cooks Illustrated buttermilk biscuit recipe into the service of a better pancake. (If you like biscuits and haven’t tried that recipe yet, try it.) Here is the successful result:
1 cup unbleached all purpose flour
1.5 teaspoons double-acting baking powder
1 tablespoon brown sugar
0.5 teaspoon salt
0.5 teaspoon baking soda
2 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted, plus more for frying
1.25 to 1.5 cups buttermilk
Combine the dry ingredients with the melted butter and mix well. Pour maple syrup onto a microwave-safe plate and microwave about 30 seconds to heat it up — or heat the syrup separately in a bowl. Point is, DON’T pour cold syrup on hot pancakes. Such a buzz kill.
Melt butter in a frying pan over medium high heat. While the butter is melting, mix the buttermilk into the dry ingredients. Mix quickly and don’t overdo it.
Ladle or spoon out batter to form four or five 2-inch-diameter pancakes. Fry until crispy and dark brown on the bottom, then plate them out onto the hot syrup. Serve ASAP.
I used 1 cup of buttermilk today, but the batter looked too thick, so I added more buttermilk. Hence the “1.25 to 1.5 cups of buttermilk”.
Oy, these are diet-killers.
D.
PS: Remember — tomorrow, Bare Rump holds forth on Smart Bitches Day in a post entitled, “Let’s Talk Consummation,” and no one knows consummation better than she does, nosirree.
Frank Rich behind the firewall: It’s Too Late for United 93
When is Rich scheduled to show up on Colbert? That’s what I want to know. I’m dying to hear Rich’s response to Stephen Colbert’s trademark question, “Sir, why do you hate America?” — which Colbert only asks of true patriots.
B12 Partners Solipsism has posted Frank Rich’s op-ed column in full. Here’s a teaser:
Iron-effin-chefin’, that’s what
Where have I been today? You mean, besides helping Bare Rump with her Smart Bitches Day post? (She uses way too many semicolons. I get on her about that all the time. Unfortunately, I have to allow her a few semicolons, or else she’ll flick her butt hairs in my face.) And besides writing up next Thursday’s Thirteen (bwaahahahahaha)?
I’ve been playing Iron Chef today, that’s what I’ve been doing.
You remember this guy:
Don’t run the other way. It won’t bite. Today, I made two different kinds of ravioli with two different sauces because, ya know, if you’re gonna do one, it ain’t that tough to do two.
Kate and I have done it. What’s the matter with the rest of you?
We’ve signed on to the Online Blogintegrity Statement of Principles, which includes:
NO CUSSIN’. Fuck that cursing shit. I mean, like, fuck it. FUCK.
Hey, I don’t understand half of those other Principles, but I get that one. I’m sold.
So . . . what are you waiting for? Do it!
The one-nippled* Starship Captain commands you!
D.
*I’m deadly serious. I’ve magnified it 400% in Paint Shop Pro and the dude has no left nipple.Â
I don’t know how you single-topic bloggers do it.
Four days of Snape-bloggery, and I’ve had enough. I hate to be tied to a single topic. That’s the real reason why I had to kick him and Mrs. Snape out yesterday.
That, and my fear that the REAL authors who read my blog will worry that their character will be next! If Hoffman will do Rowling fanfic, no one’s safe. Griffin Calverson might show up to render his version of How to Handle a Woman. Dr. Cherijo Veil could be forced to lecture us on the barbarous medical practices of the 21st Century, and Dubric would feel obliged to investigate that dead body we swept under the rug last week.
Justin Delgado might have to come ’round to pop a cap in my ass, but Lili, with access to so many psychics, you already knew that. On a brighter note, all you erotica writers might each donate one of your characters, and we could have quite the orgy, yessirree. That chick at the top of Selah’s blog can sit on my desk. I don’t care if she’s 96 by now — she’s hot. Sam, if you would send over Darla’s Valentine, I’d be much obliged.
I’d pimp my own characters, except y’all tend to run the other way whenever Bare Rump has a guest spot.
Anyway . . . I’m back.
D.
Newsflash to Professor Snape
Professor:
Explain to our cats why their tails burst into flame every time they race across the Punishment Veil. I don’t think Melantha will ever come out of the attic.
Explain to our fish why your fireball spell missed Mrs. Snape and hit their aquarium instead. Oh! That’s right! You can’t explain it to them. They’re dead.
Explain to my son why, when Mrs. Snape belted you with our cast iron pan, you had to use his every last Bagel Bite to treat your black eyes. NO, they are NOT “still good.”
But, best of all, the feather that broke the hippogriff’s back:
. . . polyamory potion induces in its user a lust for the first person he or she sees. With proper planning, and with access to a squadron of college cheerleaders, one milliliter of polyamory potion could give a wizard a night of unsurpassed bliss. Desite Walnut’s blusterings, polyamory potion is the reason I know he will help me in my designs on that Font of Fecundity, Michelle Duggar.
Explain to my wife, WHO READS MY BLOG, why you were going to bribe me with polyamory potion. You a$$hole.
That does it. Pack your bags. You’re on your own trying to win the heart of She Who Must Conceive.
D.
Professor Snape holds forth on love and romance
An Introductory Note from Walnut
This week, Balls and Walnuts is delighted to have Professor Severus Snape as our guest blogger. Since he is here “in the Colonies” to oversee the final stages of his plan to wed Michelle Duggar, he graciously agreed to take on some of my customary duties. This morning, I told him he would need to write a post on Smart Bitches Day.
Grudgingly, he agreed (when he realized that my assistance in the Duggar affair would not necessarily include me cooking for him all week long and laundering his magical robes) but griped about the name.
“I cringe at the word smart,” he said. “I am sagacious, and reliable, and courageous. Smart does not capture the full scope of my essence. And I am no one’s bitch.”
Without further ado, I give you Professor Snape, who explains why Romance is a repulsive genre.
Has Colbert eclipsed Stewart?
Stephen Colbert’s stock is soaring thanks to his comedic shishkebabery of George Bush at Saturday Night’s Washington Correspondent Dinner. No, really, his stock is soaring. Over at Colbert Nation, every last tee shirt and coffee cup are out of stock.
Oh — and tonight, Morley Safer profiled Colbert on 60 Minutes. Not bad for a weekend’s work.
Colbert didn’t pull any punches at the Washington Correspondent Dinner. You Tube has the video, and Kos has the full transcript. Read the whole thing, please, but for now let me give you a great appetizer:
“Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it’s 2/3 empty. There’s still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn’t drink it. The last third is usually backwash.”
Yum!
Colbert gets enormous mileage from a twisty form of humor that has a lot in common with reverse psychology. Say one thing, mean the opposite, like when your Mom told you to eat all the chocolate chip cookies before dinner “because I want you to ruin your appetite.” And you did, too, and it was good, wasn’t it? Here’s Stephen in action, giving the President his cookies:
I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound — with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world.
How did Bush take it? Not well, according to Editor & Publisher:
As Colbert walked from the podium, when it was over, the president and First Lady gave him quick nods, unsmiling. The president shook his hand and tapped his elbow, and left immediately.
Those seated near Bush told E&P’s Joe Strupp, who was elsewhere in the room, that Bush had quickly turned from an amused guest to an obviously offended target as Colbert’s comments brought up his low approval ratings and problems in Iraq.
Back to the question of the hour. Has Colbert surpassed Jon Stewart? I think so. Routinely, Colbert torments his right wing guests by playing into their beliefs. He often gets them to agree to even more extreme positions than the ones they publicly espouse. In contrast, Jon Stewart seems to fawn over his powerful guests.
Remember Stewart’s interview with that former Iraqi general, the one who insists Saddam had WMDs and has written a book to prove it? Stewart gushed like the guy was his long lost grampa. And I’m getting tired of the way Stewart kisses John McCain’s ass.
If you look back at the transcript of Stewart’s famous appearance on Crossfire, it seems like he doesn’t think it’s his job to ask the tough questions. His job is to be funny; he wants the Carlsons and Begalas of the world to do their job and ask the tough questions.
Stephen Colbert knows it’s possible to reveal the painful truths (truthinesses?) and be funny. He proved it Saturday night, and he proves it regularly on his show. It’s not that Stewart fails altogether — the Daily Show nails its asshatted targets with fair regularity — but that he misses too many excellent opportunities to do more.
Perhaps Stewart should pay closer attention to Colbert.
D.
Review of Andromeda Spaceways Inflight Magazine #22
ASIM #22 features some mighty fine stories. My review is up on Tangent Online. (If that link doesn’t work, try this one.) And here’s the link to ASIM if you’d like to subscribe.
D.
Potpourri
Remember the old Jeopardy, the one that Art Fleming hosted? Not that icky new Jeopardy, with Alex “Smug is My Middle Name” Trebek, who delivers answers like, “This world is sometimes called the Red Planet” with a perfectly straight face. (Ugh. And the way he corrects contestants when they get the question wrong! Sure, Alex, like you would have known the answer if it wasn’t staring you in the face.)
Potpourri was the catch-all category on the old Jeopardy, and that’s the word that came to mind when I decided to spread tonight’s bit of blog love. Without further ado, let’s play Jeopardy!
A: This “demented” writer is hosting another book giveaway.
Q: Who is Demented Michelle? (Yup, another giveaway. Toss your hat into the ring.)
A: This “malicious” author dishes on sequels and sequelitis.
Q: Who is Tamara Siler Jones? (Doing it again, April 27.)
A: For top notch snark on the Puritans at RWA, check out this genre jockey.
Q: Who is Paperback Writer? (Still snickering about point #3.)
A: These “clever shrews” recently landed their very own Wikipedia page.
Q: Who are the Smart Bitches? (A: This is your current emotion. Q: Am I envious?)
And for $1000 . . .
A: Hands down the biggest time-eater on the web.
Q: What is You Tube?
G’night.
D.