Jill Carroll: shout her to the rafters, people

Home } Political rants } Jill Carroll: shout her to the rafters, people

A few weeks ago, I followed Blue Gal’s lead in drawing your attention to the plight of reporter Jill Carroll. Jill was kidnapped in Iraq and is still being held hostage. Three deadlines have passed for her released. I’ve been remiss lately in banging the drum, but Jurassic Pork’s Assclowns of the Week fired me up.

Hey, I don’t want to be an assclown. Not even a liberal assclown.

From JP’s post:

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, March 5, 2006. Category: Political rants.

Live blogging the Oscars

Home } At the movies } Live blogging the Oscars

The 78th Annual Academy Awards kicked off with a stretch of uninspired animation meant to evoke Hollywood’s rich history. Bleech. They had all year to do this? And that’s how I feel about the lead-up to Jon Stewart’s introduction, too. What began as a sort-of funny riff on Brokeback Mountain soon became a tired, uninspired joke.

Jon Stewart’s opening monologue had one, count it, one good joke (the actresses not having enough cloth to cover their breasts), plus a fun medley of gay themes in Westerns. The closing clip of Charleton Heston and Gregory Peck was priceless. (more…)

, March 5, 2006. Category: At the movies, Stardust.

Sunday morning eye candy

Home } Friends o' mine } Sunday morning eye candy

Artist pal Kenney Mencher has a new show in Oakland. (I’ll edit this on Monday morning to give a link to the show.) He sent me the announcement last week, which reminded me — it’s been a while since I shouted him out.

Neat pix below the cut. (more…)

, March 5, 2006. Category: Friends o' mine.

Leech-keeper to the stars

Home } Critter foo } Leech-keeper to the stars

I’m sick, folks, siiiiiiick, with some sort of gastrointestinal thing. I have no appetite, I’m bloated, and the only reason I don’t feel like throwing up is the fact I have 4 milligrams of Zofran coursing through my bloodstream. Zofran, the Mercedes of anti-emetics.

This might be my only post for the day. I want to crit a friend’s chapter, then it’s back to bed for me. But first, I wanted to introduce you to a lovely critter, Hirudo medicinalis, the medicinal leech. Here’s a hungry leech,

and here’s a well fed leech, (more…)

, March 4, 2006. Category: Critter foo, Memoirist BS.

These guys give Christianity a bad name

Home } Political rants } These guys give Christianity a bad name

Politics. Nothing but politics. Maybe because it’s the end of a rough week, or I pushed myself hard at the gym today, or I had too much sake at the NWTEC Internet Cafe tonight mit mein frau. Or maybe I’m just itching to have y’all tell me I’m full o’ kaka.

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, March 3, 2006. Category: Political rants.

Nipples, damn it! Does there have to be another reason?

Home } Sex } Nipples, damn it! Does there have to be another reason?

Celebrities and thier wardrobe malfunctions.

It’s so nice to have a li’l cream for my morning coffee.

D.

, March 3, 2006. Category: Sex, Stardust.

Praying to the porcelain god

Home } Memoirist BS } Praying to the porcelain god

Here’s another dorm photo. It’s not me — I don’t think I’ve ever had that much hair — so I pixelated the face to protect the guilty party. Aren’t I nice?

I’ve written previously about the B’nai B’rith Youth Organization, a Jewish youth group that aimed to convince parents their kids were meeting Jewish teens of the opposite sex, while simultaneously introducing us kids to the joys of cheap beer and stem-rich pot. I can thank BBYO for getting me rip-roaring vertiginous drunk for the first time in my life on — oh, Lord, I’m so ashamed — Schlitz. From a keg. God help me.

On the way home from that BBYO Social (such a wholesome name for it, don’t you think?) I realized I had forgotten my house key. At 2:30 AM, sheepishly, drunkenly, I knocked on my own back door. My dad opened it, and I said, “Fuller brush!”

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, March 2, 2006. Category: Memoirist BS.

I know y’all think I’m perfect, but . . .

Home } Thirteen Candles } I know y’all think I’m perfect, but . . .

Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen Bad Habits

Too many of you want to kiss this frog and see what he turns into. Maybe not the guys in my audience, but I don't write my blog for you anyway. Yes, when I envision my audience, they all have boobs and wonderful clutchable hips. Even the guys.

Anyway, to discourage you aspirants, I present to you a list of thirteen bad habits. The really bad ones, not just the ones you lie about to potential employers ("I'm a workaholic!" or "Sometimes I pay way too much attention to detail," or "I have this bad habit of going down on my boss, like, compulsively.") Here we go.

1. I bite my fingernails to the bloody quick. I would bite my toenails, too, if I could reach them. I'm trying to become more flexible for just that reason. Oh, and the autofellatio thing, too, which (needless to say) is challenging with my two-inch-long erection.

What, you frog-kissers are still interested? Damn. You folks are tough.

2. I find flat, empty surfaces painfully inviting. I like to fill them with half-full soda cans, old lottery stubs, photos I've scanned but haven't bothered to put back into the album, dirty socks, junk mail, books to be read, books I've read but haven't bothered to put back into our bookshelf, and magazines I will never read.

3. The floor is a special place -- sort of a shrine, in my opinion. I grace it with my dirty clothes and all the little bits I bite off my fingernails. (You thought I ate them? I may have bad habits, but I'm not sick.)

4. I have my own special way of cleaning kitchen countertops. It involves sweeping everything onto the floor. I also leave cabinet doors open so that I can bump my head into them and scream four-letter words.

5. I believe yelling at cats Accomplishes Something.

6. Leftovers should not be discarded from the fridge until either (A) I have run out of dishes, or (B) the food has more fuzz than a Chia pet.

7. I have yet to learn PBW's secret of limiting my time on the Internet. Yes, I know this isn't funny. It really isn't funny.

8. Although I enjoy writing about good food, I love eating some truly nasty foods. I once made a gastroenterology resident sick to his stomach by eating, right in front of him, pork rinds with Cheese Whiz.

9. As a direct consequence of #8, I possess remarkable room-clearing capabilities. I'm legendary in our OR. Foreplay talk in our bedroom usually includes, "God, Doug, what have you been eating?"

10. I'm told I sneeze, burp, and sigh too loudly, but it all sounds fine to me. My mother, on the other hand, rattles windows.

11. Remember that bit about yelling at cats? I do the same thing with my son . . . way too often.

12. Karen says I drive a car "like an unguided missile." I call it "preemptive driving." You mean that center lane isn't a passing lane? It is in France!

13. I am not above begging for sex. Reasoning, bargaining, and whining have all worked on occasion, too. One of these days, if I get up the nerve, I'll try Rhett Butler's technique. Women like that sort of thing, don't they?

If you're still interested in kissing the frog, you are truly smitten, or hopeless, or both.


D.

Leave a comment, and I'll link to your Thirteen list here.

J.M. Carr knows the truth about turtles, and teases me with crabcakes

Amanda gives us music

Verbal boners from Kate. Sorry, I just love those two words in the same sense. Boners. Kate. Hah!

Katherine has photos of yawning dogs, fat cats, and beautiful people

Caryn, a fellow writer, reminds me why I dislike Las Vegas

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged!

Yatta yatta yatta. Boy, am I sick of that paragraph.

, March 2, 2006. Category: Thirteen Candles.

An X-Meme

Home } The Fearful Meme } An X-Meme

From Christine:

9 lasts:
last cigarette: clove cigarette, freshman year at Berkeley, 1979. Um, we’re talking tobacco, right?
last beverage: Aquafina water. Last alcoholic beverage: see yesterday’s post.
last kiss: the wife, natch.
last movie seen: Sin City again and again on cable.
last phone call: Karen, to let her know what yummy leftovers I had in store for her downstairs. Committee meeting tonight, so I cannot fulfill my husbandly kitchen duties.
last cd played: Soul Coughing Ruby Vroom
last bubble bath: 1999
last time you cried: Karen was watching Truly, Madly, Deeply last night, and I walked in on the part where Rickman says to his wife, “Do you want me to go?” and she grabs him around the neck sobbing, “No, never,” and I got choked up instantly and left the room.

8 have you evers:
have you ever dated one of your best friends: No.
have you ever skinny dipped: Yes. Kind of. No one knew.
have you ever kissed somebody and regretted it: Yes. Elementary school, on a dare.
have you ever fallen in love: Oh, yeah.
have you ever lost someone you loved: Yup.
have you ever been depressed: That’s the default state.
have you ever been drunk and thrown up: Yes, and I won’t touch Riesling because of it.

7 states you’ve been to:
1. California
2. New York
3. Nevada
4. Utah
5. Arizona
6. Washington
7. Louisiana

Yes, that’s Christine’s list, too, but it’s still true for me.

6 things you’ve done today:
1. Took out some tonsils.
2. Took out some adenoids.
3. I WILL be working out soon.
4. Received two books from Barnes and Noble, and one — gaaak! — is from Publish America. How did that happen?
5. Ate some trail mix to carbo load for my workout.
6. Cleaned the glass on our frog tank.

5 favorite things in no order:
1. Sex, particularly sex without restrictions
2. Cooking for friends
3. Writing something GOOD and sharing it with my family
4. Spending an afternoon in a bookstore
5. Trying out a new restaurant with my family

4 people you can tell [almost] anything to:
1. Karen
2. …
3. …
4. …

Sorry. Despite my lack of shame, there really are some things — lots of things — I keep between me and my wife.

3 wishes:
1. Sell my trilogy to a publisher and have it become such a big hit that people name a new genre after my work. Alta kaka punk, perhaps.
2. I wish Karen’s health would improve to the point where we can travel together again.
3. I want my son to have a great life.

2 things you want to do before you die:
1. Travel all over the damned place.
2. Get tormented by a dominatrix with my wife’s consent. In fact, ideally, Karen would be there watching, cackling with delight.

1 thing you regret:
1. Choosing science over the humanities. It was the smart play (earnings potential, job security, etc.), but I wonder what I would have done if I had taken the other road.

Why don’t we work this like the Thursday Thirteen? If you feel like participating in this meme, let me know in the comments, and I’ll post a link to your blog below this line.

Here we go:

SxKitten’s Memetica

Kybruno’s Countdown

Kris Starr feels like an 8th Grader

Blue Gal always has the best panties

Dean takes a break from driving the back roads

WordMunger didn’t go to law school, and neither did I 

D.

, March 1, 2006. Category: The Fearful Meme.

Branding

Home } Food } Branding

Munching on Pepperidge Farm cookies this evening whilst drinking an ultra dry martini made from Hendrick’s gin*, it occurred to me it would be fun to write a post on branding. Specifically, which brands do we as a family deeply care about?

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, February 28, 2006. Category: Food, Sex.
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