Balls and Walnuts
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Live blogging the Oscars
The 78th Annual Academy Awards kicked off with a stretch of uninspired animation meant to evoke Hollywood’s rich history. Bleech. They had all year to do this? And that’s how I feel about the lead-up to Jon Stewart’s introduction, too. What began as a sort-of funny riff on Brokeback Mountain soon became a tired, uninspired joke.
Jon Stewart’s opening monologue had one, count it, one good joke (the actresses not having enough cloth to cover their breasts), plus a fun medley of gay themes in Westerns. The closing clip of Charleton Heston and Gregory Peck was priceless.
George Clooney took the high road in his acceptance speech — just a hint of politics, nothing more.
OY. Just watched Ben Stiller’s unfunny “green screen technology” bit, and I can see I’m going to have to hit thesaurus.com. There are only so many synonyms for uninspired.
I’m back. I believe I can safely skip Dolly Parton’s musical number. Well, now: is it any surprise to see Nick Park pick up the Oscar for The Curse of the Were-Rabbit? I’m happy to see Aardman Animations’ efforts awarded, but I also have a soft spot for Miyazaki’s work. He has won Japan’s equivalent of the Academy Award, but as far as I know, the Academy has yet to recognize him.
Steve Box and Nick Park looked great in their silly bow ties, with matching bow ties for their Oscars. I love these guys.
Now the long, boring slog through categories no one cares about. First up, Live Action Short, presented by that blonde guy with the funny nose and his brother. (It’s beginning to look like Jon Stewart will get through the night without making any serious political jabs.) Now, oy, what the hell is this. Chicken Little and a duck with teeth announcing the winner for Best Animated Short.
Are hundreds of millions of people watching this? And, if they are, is this the style of humor which is most palatable to hundreds of millions? Because if it is, we are truly lost.
Best Costume: like I care. Jennifer Aniston’s hair looks drip-dried. The award goes to that geisha movie we didn’t watch because they got a bunch of Chinese actresses to play Japanese women. (In the bad old days, they would have gotten a bunch of white actresses to play the roles. Guess we’re doing better!)
Ah, Karen’s heart throb, Russell Crowe, looking mighty scruffy. That’s how she likes ’em, and I should know. She says, “He’s a fine actor. He made that dumb speech about biographical movies sound good.”
As for their medley of clips from biographical movies, I have only three words:
NO! WIRE! HANGERS!
Will Farrell and Steve Carrell came out wearing horrible makeup to announce the winner for — no, it can’t be! Best makeup! Too funny.
My son writes better jokes.
Morgan Freeman, one of my favorites, announces the next Big Category, Best Supporting Actress. And the winner is . . .
Rachel Weisz. I would have chosen Catherine Keener, but only because I dug her in The 40-Year-Old Virgin. Have I mentioned yet that I haven’t seen any of these movies?
Mmm, except for Wallace and Gromit, and Corpse Bride.
***
AT LAST, a funny moment: Stephen Colbert narrated three faux commercials satirizing the campaigning that takes place for Best Actress. The last one, the Swift Boating of Dame Judi Dench, was wonderful.
More doldrums. March of the Penguins, yatta yatta. Exqueeze my Eeengleeesh. Jennifer Lopez introduces some awful musical number with dry ice and flames, how dramatic.
Okay, so I got bored already and went back to reading the comments on my blog. After reading Jurassic Pork‘s comment, I hopped over to his place to check out the latest Assclowns, and to my dismay I discovered I was #1!!!
Not cool, even if I do have plenty of company. I spent the last half hour or so writing a post on Jill Carroll to remedy the situation, if only a little bit. (I still need to take my own advice. Then I’ll feel a little better.)
I asked Karen what I’d missed. “Not much.”
Most interesting bit so far: the American Express commercial with M. Night Shyamalan. That was cool.
***
Somewhere in the last hour, it occurred to me: the Academy Awards is Hollywood’s Annual Gala Rimjob-to-Itself. (Oy, there I go again, giving anal sex a bad name.)
***
Haven’t mentioned it yet, but am I the only one who wanted to cry when Lauren Bacall gagged on her teleprompter lines? I really, really wanted to see her shine tonight.Another Colbert-narrated commercial, this one for sound design or some damn thing. Not as funny as the Best Actress bit, but still better than almost everything else tonight.
They’re scrolling the obits now. Chris Penn died this year? Here’s an article from the LA Times. He died at age 40 of cardiomyopathy.
UGH. Phillip Seymour Hoffman won Best Actor. I have nothing against him, but Karen and I were pulling for David Strathairn. We first noticed him in the 1990 TV series Wiseguy, where he played Sheriff Matthew Stemkowski — a memorable role indeed.
***
Guess what, they’re running over. They still have to announce Best Director, Best Actress, Cinematography, and Best Picture. Here’s comes John Travolta presenting Best Cinematography. And the winner is . . . the Chinese Geisha movie.
So far, the only silver lining tonight (aside from Stephen Colbert’s commercials) has been a distinct lack of Steven Spielberg. My fingers are crossed.
Hah! Reese Witherspoon wins Best Actress. I don’t know if she deserved it (remember, I haven’t seen any of these flix), but she’s just so cute, cute as a button, I’d give it to her on cuteness alone.
***
Dustin Hoffman looks mahvelous, doesn’t he? Karen thinks he’s had a chemical peel. That, and a lift. Who cares. You rule, Dustin. (Thanks to Little Big Man, he would have to do a lot to fall from my good graces.)
Crash wins Best Screenplay. Funny, I thought that was a David Cronenberg movie.
Woo-hoo! Spielberg loses Best Director to Ang Lee. I would have preferred it if George Clooney won, but what the hey — at least Spielberg lost.
One more to go . . .
Crash. Crash? Not Brokeback Mountain? (I’ll say it again. Yippee, a Spielberg movie lost!)
Are you as bored of all of this as I am?
Good night, and good luck.
D.
Technorati tags: oscars, academy awards
Oh, good. I can come back and read your blog in the morning since we lost interest in that thing a long time ago and we’re watching the Good The Bad and The Ugly. So many shots of eyes. The eyes! The EYES!
How is Karen feeling?
Am I alone in wondering why a gorgeous young woman like Keira Knightley persists in looking like a goth reject?
Glad for Reese, she was really good in Walk The Line. And I agree absolutely with Karen; Russell can make anything sound good.
Hi Kate. Have I mentioned Karen’s sacral insufficiency fractures? Well, at least we have an explanation for all the pain she’s in. She’s getting better, but it has been a slow, slow process. Thanks for asking.
The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly was definitely the wiser choice. Although if I’m gonna watch a Western, I’d prefer Once Upon a Time in the West.
Robyn, all the women blurred together after a while except for Reese. Reese, Reese, can I have your babies? Reese is cute, even if she did squeal her thank yous.
I thought Miyazaki won for Spirited Away. It strikes me that I was pulling for Triplettes de Belleville that year, and I was disappointed.
And there was a Cronenberg film, titled Crash, a few years ago. This is a different show. (In fact, A History of Violence was a Cronenberg film too.)
Pat, when you’re right, you’re right.
Egads, some of it was painful to watch. It would probably be a great thing if some of those actors did get rimjobs because at least then they’d take the sticks out of their asses. (Well, I presume that would be necessary…I really can’t say for sure.) Jon noting how thrilled the It’s Hard to be a Pimp guys were nicely pointed out how completely unenthused most of the winners were. To be fair, I imagine attempting to give a nice acceptance speech in 40 seconds with annoying music underscoring my comments would probably have me a bit on the dull side, too.
P.S. Doug, you mentioned you haven’t seen the movies, and I say if you intend to give any of them a shot, make it Crash. There were a few of us talking about it recently and we all thought it’s one of those stories that will stand the test of time – it’s a great study in human nature.
You really sat through all that? Why??
Glad the Geisha movie did good, I liked it (though there were glitches in the storyline!)
Last night. Turned on the TV. Ben stiller was dressed in a weird green blue-screen suit, and whirling around like a jackass. The audience was laughing as though in pain. My husband put Shrek 2 in the DVD and watched a genuinely funny green guy.
“Corpse Bride” is the only one I’ve seen. I look forward to seeing the other animated movies, “Wallace and Grommit” and “Howl’s Castle.”
Might see “Crash.” Have a mild interest in “Walk the Line” because I dig Johnny Cash. But ultimately, I’m not very inspired by any of the Best Picture contenders.
I like movies with explosions, hot babes and bigger than life heroes.
I thought “Crash” was fairly dismal, despite some good performances: Heavy handed in the extreme. And the plot depends on so much coincidence that it would make Charles Dickens blush. (At one point, I leaned over and whispered: “What … are there only a dozen people living in L.A.???”)
And while it is nominally about racism, it seems to be more an exercise in misanthropy than anything else.
[rant mode off]
We wait for most things to come out in DVD, whether they are award winners or not. Exceptions: the animated flix. Wallace and Gromit did not disappoint us.
Why did we sit through it all? Faith in Jon Stewart. I expect a full and complete apology from Jon on tonight’s Daily Show. Damn it.
I had the TV on and listened to the show while I was writing my review of Madame Bovary’s Ovaries and balanced my checkbook. Liked George Clooney’s speech, was pleased that Rachel Weisz won (The Constant Gardener was an excellent movie), otherwise didn’t care so much.
Saw all of the movies nominated for Best Picture, except Capote. I thought Crash was okay, but not nearly as good as Syriana, which wasn’t even nominated. Can’t really compare Phillip Seymour Hoffman to the other lead performances, since I haven’t seen Capote, but Strathairn was magnificent as Murrow and deserved the Oscar. Reese Witherspoon, while cute, was the weaker link in Walk the Line, but it seems to be the Year of Reese.
Truly, Jon Stewart (however weak) and the Lily Tomlin/Meryl Streep presentation to Robert Altman were the good parts of the show.
Loved Wallace and Grommit.
The penguins bored me to tears.
I’m just not a penguin person.
I only thought it was funy when they slipped and fell.
Okay, guess it’s up to someone to comment on the gowns, so it might as well be me. Best gown: Zizi (Memoirs of a Geisha), 2nd place: Selma Hyak (or however you spell her name). Boniest chest to ruin a great gown: Felicity Huffman (maybe she IS a man? JK) Stupidest looking gown goes to Charlize Theron.
Everyone should see a Reese Witherspoon classic: “Election”.
I seem to be in the minority, but I liked Jon Stewart’s hosting, for the most part. He was breezy and amusing.
Then again, I must admit I’ve never seen a full episode of The Daily Show. What I have seen of it always made me think of the SNL Weekend Updates after all the funny people had left—it seemed to have some potential, but it didn’t tickle me. I have always felt that This Hour Has 22 Minutes was a far better show, but maybe that’s just the Canuck in me.
And yeah, Wallace and Gromit was about the only category where I felt that there was no way anything else should win. I say that, of course, not having seen Miyazaki’s film.
Hey, Doug,
I’m relatively new here, so I may have missed a post about it, but I got the distinct impression that you, um, aren’t a big fan of Steven Spielberg?
I only got in on the last thirty minutes of ole Oscar, but it sounds like I didn’t miss much. I got to see most of the big awards, though, even though I haven’t seen most of the movies. We wait for them to come out on DVD too, [except for Harry Potter movies!] 😀 What can I say? I love ’em.
I’ve never watched the Academy Awards from start to finish, and that includes last night’s presentation. In all honesty, I was hoping I’d have more to snark about.
Shelbi, with the exception of the first Indiana Jones movie (which I find tolerable), I have yet to meet a Steven Spielberg movie I didn’t hate. Some day, if you have tons of time to burn, drop in at Bare Rump’s Diary and read through the first month or so of postings (in order). Hit or miss, but I think I got a few good zings in on Spielberg.
Doug, you weren’t #1, the MAJOR liberal bloggers were.
JP, didn’t Jesus say something about “the least among you”? (Don’t ask me, I’m Jewish.) Point is, I don’t think any of us are off the hook.
Doug, the way I look at it, we’re making amends, which is more than I can say for these elitist bloggers. Better late than never, I always say.