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Thirteen Bad Habits
Too many of you want to kiss this frog and see what he turns into. Maybe not the guys in my audience, but I don't write my blog for you anyway. Yes, when I envision my audience, they all have boobs and wonderful clutchable hips. Even the guys.
Anyway, to discourage you aspirants, I present to you a list of thirteen bad habits. The really bad ones, not just the ones you lie about to potential employers ("I'm a workaholic!" or "Sometimes I pay way too much attention to detail," or "I have this bad habit of going down on my boss, like, compulsively.") Here we go.
1. I bite my fingernails to the bloody quick. I would bite my toenails, too, if I could reach them. I'm trying to become more flexible for just that reason. Oh, and the autofellatio thing, too, which (needless to say) is challenging with my two-inch-long erection.
What, you frog-kissers are still interested? Damn. You folks are tough.
2. I find flat, empty surfaces painfully inviting. I like to fill them with half-full soda cans, old lottery stubs, photos I've scanned but haven't bothered to put back into the album, dirty socks, junk mail, books to be read, books I've read but haven't bothered to put back into our bookshelf, and magazines I will never read.
3. The floor is a special place -- sort of a shrine, in my opinion. I grace it with my dirty clothes and all the little bits I bite off my fingernails. (You thought I ate them? I may have bad habits, but I'm not sick.)
4. I have my own special way of cleaning kitchen countertops. It involves sweeping everything onto the floor. I also leave cabinet doors open so that I can bump my head into them and scream four-letter words.
5. I believe yelling at cats Accomplishes Something.
6. Leftovers should not be discarded from the fridge until either (A) I have run out of dishes, or (B) the food has more fuzz than a Chia pet.
7. I have yet to learn PBW's secret of limiting my time on the Internet. Yes, I know this isn't funny. It really isn't funny.
8. Although I enjoy writing about good food, I love eating some truly nasty foods. I once made a gastroenterology resident sick to his stomach by eating, right in front of him, pork rinds with Cheese Whiz.
9. As a direct consequence of #8, I possess remarkable room-clearing capabilities. I'm legendary in our OR. Foreplay talk in our bedroom usually includes, "God, Doug, what have you been eating?"
10. I'm told I sneeze, burp, and sigh too loudly, but it all sounds fine to me. My mother, on the other hand, rattles windows.
11. Remember that bit about yelling at cats? I do the same thing with my son . . . way too often.
12. Karen says I drive a car "like an unguided missile." I call it "preemptive driving." You mean that center lane isn't a passing lane? It is in France!
13. I am not above begging for sex. Reasoning, bargaining, and whining have all worked on occasion, too. One of these days, if I get up the nerve, I'll try Rhett Butler's technique. Women like that sort of thing, don't they?
If you're still interested in kissing the frog, you are truly smitten, or hopeless, or both.
D.
Leave a comment, and I'll link to your Thirteen list here.
J.M. Carr knows the truth about turtles, and teases me with crabcakes
Amanda gives us music
Verbal boners from Kate. Sorry, I just love those two words in the same sense. Boners. Kate. Hah!
Katherine has photos of yawning dogs, fat cats, and beautiful people
Caryn, a fellow writer, reminds me why I dislike Las Vegas
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Ha, I can bite my toenails! I just choose not to, and attempting autofellatio is unnecessary ;o) I’m also with you on 2, 5, 6, 7, 11 and 8 (pork rinds) doesn’t sound so bad. In fact – to me – your bad habit sdon’t sound THAT bad (maybe I should go list my brother’s, but maybe not, as he’d kill me if he ever found out, lol!)
I’ve memed. The first job has been on my mind a lot lately, for one reason or another, so there you go — my topic for the 13. I’ll aim for more entertainment next week 🙂
#8 made me think of Steve, Don’t Eat It! on The Sneeze, which features foods* like cuitlacoche and Beggin’ Strips.
* The word is used loosely.
Jona, there’s always autocunnilingus. On the other hand, there are so many great sex toys on the market for women, why bother?
jmc — gotcha. Forget entertainment and give us crabcakes.
Pat, WTF is cuitlacoche? I’ll have to google that one! And why does WordPress always make me re-moderate your comments? It doesn’t do that to anyone else!
I posted my list,but it’s not nearly as funny as yours. One day I’ll make my husband meme on the unusual things he’s seen at work (he’s an OB/GYN nurse).
He may give you a run for the $ with pork rinds & Cheez Wiz.
I thought the purpose of kitchen cabinet doors was to cause others (read- taller) pain because they didn’t see them open.
Great list, you’re brave to share! LOL about thinking yelling at cats accomplishes something. So true, sigh. thanks for visiting my TT!.
I think huitlacoche (aka cuitlacoche) is a kind of corn mold that was a trendy Mexican food item/delicacy for awhile.
Re: the crabcakes, the recipe is not mine to share, sadly. Bribery and blackmail have been attempted, but I promised not to tell the secret when I started working there. What’s the statute of limitations on promises like that?
Three months, jmc. Definitely three months.
Corn mold . . . yeah, I’ve heard of this, and yes, I know mushrooms are fungus, too, but damn it, corn mold looks like mold.
Begging strips, on the other hand, look like bacon. Mmmm-mmm.
According to one source that I found, “cuitlacoche” is Aztec for “raven shit”. Yum yum!
And as far as re-moderation goes: It could be because I’ve changed my handle to “Pat J”, to make it easier to tell me apart from Pat Kirby. Kind of like in high school, when I was “Pat J” and Patrick Boisvert was “Pat B”. The only two Patricks in the whole school and we were in the same grade…
We share several bad habits.
🙂
won’t say which ones, lol.
Everything is working fine now, Pat. (I used to be Doug H. forever. Pronounced Doh!)
So, Sam, you have to beg for it too, eh?
Holy Cow Batman! Have I actually found a guy that’s funny?
A little gross yess (Autofellatio) but FUNNY!
3,4,& 5 are right on. I mean the floor is such a large surface and it’s flat and squarish (usually) so it makes sense to leave things all over it, including clothes, clippings (yuck), toys, and left over dishes.
~wink~
Great list! Thanks for the laugh.
Forget that kiss the frog mumbo jumbo. I’m a Smart Bitch now.
Lord o’ mercy, Doug! Thanks for the giggle. But several of your habits are oddly familiar. Specifically: 2,3,5 [but with dogs] 7, 8, and 11.
The rest of ’em are pretty much covered by my husband. However, we both share number 8. My beloved, who will eat anything that doesn’t get up and run away, swears that pork rinds are the nastiest things he’s ever tasted.
I love ’em, but then I have a thing for liverwurst, too, and that usually sends every one running screaming from the room.
Oh well.
Note to self: blog on Steve, Don’t Eat It! some time soon. Thanks, Pat!
Shelbi, liverwurst is a wondrous thing. Inexpensive pate — what’s wrong with that?
And how come no one’s fessing up to #13? I know you’ve all begged for sex. Admit it.
Gee, Doug. I can’t speak for everyone, but women? generally don’t have to beg for sex. Mentioning it… or looking like I might be thinking of mentioning it sometime in the future… usually does the trick. *g*
The crabcake recipe has been posted.
Darla, I keep forgetting the asymmetry of sexual politics. (Almost wrote ‘chirality’, but I keep forgetting, not everyone here is a chemist.)
JMC, thanks. I’ve printed it out.
so I don’t get it? what’s not perfect?
Too funny! You remind me of my dad with the nails and the yelling.
I bite my nails off and on. Mostly because they are so flimsy they never last so I just take them off. But not to the quick, that takes balls, and last time I looked I didn’t have any.
But I’ve got hips and boobs, does that count?
M
Kate, you’re too kind. And you’re starting to worry Karen.
DM, boob and hips count for everything in my book. And butt cheeks. Don’t forget butt cheeks.