Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Why do fools fall in love?
What amazes me the most about Groundhog Day is that I love it as much as I do, even though Andie MacDowell and Bill Murray are light-years away from my ideal vision of romantic leads. Goes to show what a kickass script can do for a film. More on Groundhog Day in a moment.
As you folks know from yesterday’s post, my muse has decided she wants to write a romance. Or a romantica. Or an erotica. The muse doesn’t get out a lot, hasn’t read much from any of those genres, doesn’t care about the distinctions between them. But she has a story to tell and damn it she’s going to tell it. From past experience, I know better than to get in her way, but I also know she needs proper nutrition. Hence this evening’s post.
If it’s romance the muse is writing, my protags ought to fall in love, right? But, but, but . . . why?
Why do people fall in love?
I’ve fallen in love twice. That’s it. Infatuations don’t count.
The first time was in high school. All through sophomore year, we sat together in Biology, growing on each other. I really think that’s what happened to us. It was organic. And it took the separation of summer vacation to drive the point home. Come junior year, we hooked up in about a week.
We had much in common, but we didn’t realize that until later. A psychologist friend of mine once said, “We don’t fall in love by accident.” GFv1.0 and I had the same set of needs — maybe not the healthiest substrate in which to grow a love, in retrospect. Is needing love a good enough reason to fall in love?
As for Karen, two things happened. First, I had the feeling that she and I were two of a kind. I’m afraid I trotted out some “psychic twins” bullshit (and Karen was kind enough to see past that nonsense!) Second, I was on whenever I was with her. Long-timers here will remember that this is called (hat tip to Sea of Love) the Wonder of Me. To quote myself, the Wonder of Me
. . . refers to that state of being ON. You’re trotting out all your best stories. You’ve cranked your wit to the whip-cracking-snapping point. Baby, your cortex had better glisten, especially since the gal you’re dating takes Complex Analysis for fun (that’s mathematics, folks, not Freud).
It never lasts. Eventually, someone (me) develops a cortical flat tire, and some moronic, indefensible opinion slips the lips. You hope this happens after she’s fallen in love with you.
There are many ways of expressing this. You bring out the best in me. Or: I like who I am with you. Yes, the Wonder of Me doesn’t last — and yet it does, too. Karen has continued to challenge me over the years. I would like to think I’m a better person for those challenges.
I made use of this reason for love in my last romance. What — you didn’t know that I had already written a romance? Well, I did. It’s contained in the second and third books of my trilogy. True, it dwells on a love affair between a giant alien spider and a giant alien fly, but I drew on personal experience. That’s right, Karen. I am Ensign Argh and you are Bare Rump.
But what other reasons are there for love? I’m not interested in pathologic reasons (e.g., person A falls in love not with person B but with whom A wants B to be — understand?) nor am I interested in shallow reasons (great looks, great sex). I’m looking for the things which pull two people together and bind them for life.
I’ll close with Groundhog Day and then I’ll turn it over to you. In Groundhog Day, Phil (Bill Murray) falling in love with Rita (Andie MacDowell) is a process, not an event. He must become someone who can love her and be loved by her. Aw, hell, let Phil say it:
“I don’t deserve someone like you. But If I ever could, I swear I would love you for the rest of my life.”
Study those two lines. It’s more than brown-nosing; I think Phil and I are saying the same thing.
D.
I’ll quote another movie line. Jack Nicholson to Helen Hunt in “As Good as It Gets”…
“You make me want to be a better man.”
I hope Karen’s as amused as I am, with the Ensign Argh and Bare Rump likeness (and here was me thinking you were Boron ;o))
It’s because they’ve lost their minds. That’s what love truly is–a mental illness…an illusion that will fade over time…or with treatment.
What’s the treatment?
Someone new.
🙂
hey, i thought this was about torturing Bill Murray for two hours, what’s all this romance stuff?
aw, can’t it be both? torture and romance?
Beats me, Doug. This reminds me of when I called a very good friend (BF 7.0, if you’re keeping track) to tell him I was getting married. I explained all this stuff: what we had in common, how we met, all Carl’s good points, etc. And when I finished, he said yeah, that’s great, but you still haven’t told me why you’re getting married. Then I’ve got to talk about all this soul mate stuff and feeling complete and like you’re better together than apart, and the logical part of my mind (i.e. the majority of it) is screaming at me that this makes no sense. But BF 7.0 was satisfied with that, and happy for me.
He was right, even though it killed me to admit it–it wasn’t the things we had in common, it was those pesky intangibles.
Which I realize helps you not at all. Sorry about that. As a reader, I look for romance characters to like and respect each other in addition to physical attraction, and if it takes some character growth to get to that point, so much the better.
Thanks, folks. April, are you sure that line wasn’t, “You make me want to be a younger man”? Sorry. It’s just, Jack Nicholson, Helen Hunt, eeeew.
Jona — me, Boron? I wish 😉
Cali, that doesn’t help. Insert smiley emoticon (if I put too many actual emoticons in, I start looking like a Valley Girl).
Ky, you need to watch that movie again. It’s a Zen Buddhist movie, did you know that? A Zen Buddhist romance.
Hi Kate. Darla, that helps.
Shhh! You had me at the fesunjen.
I remember hearing about a study where women smelled the sweaty t-shirts of various men, and were asked to rate the stinkyness. They didn’t know who owned what shirt.
They found the sweat of the men to whom they were most closely related (biologically) the most off-putting.
So there’s your answer. We fall in love with the fella who stinks the least like our brothers.
RB, you’re so easy.
Maureen, that helps. Not. Actually, can I use that? It’s just the sort of thing my female protag would mention.
the best love story I remember watching as a kid — not a romance! a love story! — was High Wind Over Jamaica. The pirate was transformed by the little kid (even though they were twits. Damn girl was completely articulate until it was important)
It’s all about the transformation into someone better.
Sometimes you just know. I met Bill at a friend’s house – gaming session, Bill was “the new guy” – and even though I was dating someone else at the time, the moment I saw him I knew. After 5 years of dating and such, the BF and I broke up a few months after that fateful day. A couple months after that, Bill and I went to a movie and 3 months later we were married. It’s been more than 17 years and it’s still grand.
Now, if only I’d met him first, before the short string of going nowhere losers… 😉
Tambo – Amen!
I actually met AJ in a campus computer lab while I was still “dating” The Jerk. It wasn’t much more than having someone to chat with while you’re waiting in line somewhere. It was nice polite chit-chat. I should have given The Jerk a rude hand gesture and stayed with AJ. If I’d only known… Then, several months later (after a nasty break-up, roommate cat fight, and gall bladder surgery), a mutual friend introduced us. We didn’t recognize each other then, but right away he had me laughing…which hurt because I was still recovering from surgery…but I laughed through the pain because he was just so darn funny – and intelligent. I guess that’s what started things off on the right path: HE GOT ME. He understood my humor; he knew the movies and books I was quoting; he knew the history I was referring to.
Maybe that’s where it is; not in the “what do you do together” – but does the other person understand what makes you you?
My hubby sure does – we’ve been together 15 years (dating + married), and I think it’s a safe bet to say we’ll be together a lot more.
Here’s what I’ve discovered is necessary to fall in love:
1. Physical chemistry: He looks right, smells right and feels right. And yeah, don’t underestimate the power of smell–I dated a couple of boys who smelled eerily like my brothers, and lemme tell you, there is no bigger turn-off, even though they were both smart, cute and a lot of fun.
2. Mental chemistry: I think somewhat approximates your “Wonder of Me” phenomenon. You talk to this person, and it’s so easy. He GETS you. In fact, conversations with him sing and zing and make your blood bubble with joy, and you contemplate making out with his brain because DAMN that’s a sexy brain before acknowledging that yeah, that’d actually be really squidgy and gross in real life.
3. Common and complementary interests: The two of you don’t have to like all the same things, but you have to be the same in the ways that count and different in the ways that count. Contributes greatly to number 2 above.
As for what KEEPS people in love, I think two additional factors are important:
4. Sexual chemistry: This isn’t the same as physical chemistry, though the two certainly are related. Sexual chemistry doesn’t just cover raw physical attractiveness related to how somebody looks or smells, it has to do with behavior in the bedroom. Sometimes, the differences are too big to work out. To use an extreme example: two dedicated tops or two dedicated bottoms probably aren’t going to work in the bedroom, no matter how attractive they find each other. Huge dispararities in sex drive are another example, and the initial “Ooh shiny must squeeze!” glitteriness can sometimes mask this for a while.
5. Common and complementary beliefs/goals: This is where some big dealbreakers come in, and sometimes it takes a while to figure out. Kids or no kids? Religion or no religion? If religion = go, WHOSE religion? Pets or no pets? Etc.
Darla’s right, though: a lot of it boils down to those pesky intangibles.
Ah, that’s why I never found Mr. Right. 😉 Because I never dated the looser jerks; in fact, I never dated at all. Thought it was a waste of time I could better spend reading, listening to opera, and other fun stuff.
Back at university, I had some male friends, but it never were boyfriends. We had some things in common, mostly the same sort of humour and interest in history and books, but something was lacking for me to ‘fall in love’. Maybe I just don’t want to fall in love and I’m quite happy as single.
Great information, everyone. I really do appreciate it.
Gabriele, your love life will forever remain a mystery to me. You’ve always struck me as being quite lovable. But maybe I just like tall dominant women 😉
*violins*
When my husband proposed to me, he gave me three rings and said, “I love you, me, us, and all the spaces in between.”
I think love is about sharing life and being able to be the best version of yourself. A true soulmate challenges you to be just that. However, the attraction stuff is important too.
Sounds like we have a consensus. Thanks, Nienke.