Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Quien es mas lindo?
One Saturday afternoon in 1982, I watched The Sting with Karen and her two roommates, Kira and Suzie.
“So,” I said, “who is cuter, Newman or Redford?”
Take a moment to answer that one for yourself. Even if you’re a guy. Especially if you’re a guy, cuz the point of this exercise . . . well, hell, let’s not get too pedantic just yet. Guys? Ask your wife this question. Try to predict what she’ll answer.
I figured it had to be Newman. Those blue eyes, that chiseled facial bone structure. (Great bones do it for me every time. I still have wood with Lauren Bacall’s name on it.) But, no. All three picked Redford.
Even then, twenty-two years ago, Redford had a white raisin thing going. And now look at the two of them.
Newman first.
It still baffles me, this question of what women find attractive or unattractive in certain men. Miss Snark has femwood for George Clooney. Maureen’s nipples go stiff over Al Pacino. Meanwhile, the Bitches keep ripping on poor Fabio. (See, Beth? I worked in a Fabio reference!)
This question is important to me, since I enjoy writing strong female characters. These female leads have been mutant parakeets and giant spiders, but eventually I mean to get back to Homo sapiens. When I do, I’d better have a grip on the feminine mystique.
So, help me out, y’all. Here are some pairings of famous duos. Tell me who is cuter and why. To keep from prejudicing things, I’ll save my opinions until the end.
1. Bill and Ted.
3. Bud and Lou.
5. K and J.
As much as it pains me, the panties come off for Ted (Keanu Reeves). That other guy looks like a troll. I suspect that no matter how good my birth control is, I’m still going to worry about making troll babies.
Bing. They’re both ugly as sin, but Bing has a fine voice. Bob’s always so snide. Also, I can’t get past the fact that in Philip K. Dick’s masterpiece The Man in the High Castle, Bob Hope is the only comic the Nazis allowed to live.
Lou Costello, hands down. Despite the rolls of schmaltz, he seems like such a nice, wouldn’t-hurt-a-fly kinda guy. He’d make sure I came.
Bud Abbott might appeal to gals who like bad boys, but that’s not me. If he tried any rough stuff, I’d kick his ass. You know I would.
4. Jake and Elwood.
Just so you don’t think I have an exclusive thing for chubbies (not that kind of chubby. Jeez), I’ll spread for Elwood (Dan Ackroyd). I’ve never been a big fan of insanity.
5. K and J.
German titles for Gabriele. Like that, G?
J, of course. How could it be otherwise? But this is the toughest choice so far. K’s unrequited love for the girl who should have been his wife . . . it melts my heart. But J has it in youth, style, and sense of humor. Aw, hell. I’ll do them both.
6. Chip and Dale.
Really? They’re on the market? I thought they were already pledged to one another. That said, I’ll take Chip. I prefer my man’s facial features not to be dysmorphic, thank you very much.
7. Hall and Oates.
Neither. But if I’m forced to choose, I’ll pick the one who doesn’t have a toxic caterpillar crawling across his lip.
Comments welcome.
D.
You do make me laugh with the things you think about, Doug! (good job it’s all in the name of writing ;o))
Okay my take: Out of Bill and Ted – I’d do Ted. Nothing to do with mothering, I just prefer floppy hair, and I’d just have to hope he didn’t open his mouth and ruin the moment.
Bob and Bing: Bing easily. I’m a sucker for a gentleman ;o)
Bud and Lou: decisions, decisions, heck you’d have to blindfold me for either!
Jake and Elwood: see Bud and Lou. These guys ain’t doing it for me.
K and J: This is more like it! Umm, my guess is I’d end up in bed with J quicker, but K’s the one I’d really want.
Chip and Dale: That’s just sick!
Hall and Oates: That moustache is such a turn off, I have to opt for Hall. But please pass the blindfold.
The hardest choice on TV for me, is Ross or Chandler from friends. Chandler has mothering appeal,. but Ross is hotter!
Strangely neither Newman nor Redford do a thing for me.
Ross? Ross!?!
EWWWWWWW!
I’m a Newman kind of girl–Paul Newman allllll the way.
Plus his salad dressings are pretty tasty.
But then I don’t have much of a mothering instinct to speak of, unless the critter in question has four legs, fur and meows.
As for who I’d choose:
Bill & Ted: Ted, definitely. I’d have to gag him so I wouldn’t have to hear him speak, but he’s cute.
Bob & Bing: Bing strikes me as kind of smarmy. Bob’s pretty funny, if wrinkly and, you know, DEAD. (Well, so’s Bing.) I dig a guy who can make me laugh.
Bud and Lou: Er. The one with the less annoying voice?
Jake and Elwood: Elwood. I’m with you on the insanity thing.
K and J: J. Will Smith is pretty damn hot.
Chip and Dale: As with Bud and Lou: the one with the less annoying voice.
Hall and Oates: Kill me. Kill me now.
Newman all the way. And: Ted, Bing, Jake, J. All the rest – eww, I’m not choosing.
Fun post, but I’m afraid I’ll blow your curve. Out of all your options (including Newman and Redford), I’ll stay celebate, thanks. Nothing there I’d ever consider spreading for.
Now, bring up Hugh Jackman or Gerard Butler–then we might talk. 😉
Ah, but Bill gets (a) first billing in the title and (b) the best line in the movie. (When Freud finishes psychoanalyzing Ted, and asks Bill if he wants to lie down on the couch, Bill shakes his head and says “Just a minor Oedipal complex, doc”.)
And dude, I can’t even tell Chip and Dale apart. Sad but true. I’m sure there’s some kind of support group out there for folks like me, good honest hard-working folks with CCD (Cartoon Chipmunk Dyslexia).
Ross vs. Chandler: I found them both so whiny that I think the only way to settle it is make them duel to the death on a spaceship with a one-way pre-programmed course to the sun. The survivor could make witty and insightful comments on how damn hot it was getting. I’m sure science would somehow be advanced.
I’m wondering about this Ross and Chandler thing. I’ve never watched Friends. We stay away from network TV (too much fine stuff on satellite).
Off to google Friends, etc.
I’m back. Matthew Perry vs. David Schwimmer. Well, I did like Schwimmer in Breast Men (if you haven’t seen it, see it!) but he’s not much of a hunk. Even if he is tribe. Matthew Perry doesn’t do it for me either. Nor did I ever think much of Jennifer Aniston. Of the gals, I’d go with Lisa Kudrow.
Paul Newman has owned a chunk of my heart since The Sting. Redford, eh. Too blond.
The rest reminds me too much of deciding which geek to take to the junior prom. Stay home.
Odd. I’ve always been puzzled by Redford’s appeal for the very reasons your friends cited. Too boyish. I don’t want a boy, I want a man. Strong, intelligent, capable (much like you, Doug).
So of choices.. Newman, Reaves character, Bing, Bud, Ackroyd character, Chip or Dale? Meh, chipmunks all look grey in the dark. Either K or J would do it for me. Hall or Oates (shudder)… I’d rather abstain. Do they think? Speak in whole sentences? Ross or Chandler? Again, neither. Too boyish.
X
Newman. All the way. Redford’s got a look in his eye that says he’s knows he’s too cute for words.
Ted. Like the others said previously, gag him first.
Bing. Anyone who could sing like that would have me in a second.
Bud or Lou- thank you for skipping the obvious who’s on first joke. I have no such principles. Neither, BTW.
Elwood. All he wants for dinner is dry white toast.
K. Don’t know why.
Chip. In the Rescue Rangers, he’s the one dressed like Indiana Jones.
Daryl Hall, though he did have an amazing mullet. (Hey, it was the eighties!)
Question for you, Doug. Mary Ann or Ginger?
HE knows he’s too cute…that’s what I get for typing and doctoring my coffee at the same time. Grrr, I wish blogger had an edit button!
Here’s my list:
I’ll take Newman. Redford looks like he’d steal the covers.
Bill & Ted: Yes, gag Ted. Then take him.
Bob & Bong: Bing all the way, baby.
Bud & Lou: I couldn’t. My childhood complexes would go up in a screaming inferno.
Jake & Elwood: Elwood. After all, he stayed out of prison.
K and J: I’d have a fling with J, but I’d end up with K.
Chip & Dale: No mas! Back off on the childhood!
Hall & Oates: Sick either way. No. Nooooooo…
My fave dude today is Viggo Mortenson. Poetry, painting, and gets all sweaty as Aragorn? Mmmh. Sign my ass up. Yesterday it was Joaquin Phoenix. He’s just so damn vulnerable. Sigh.
Redford and Bud – only.
I despise pretty boys.
You’ve never watched Friends, doug? You’re kidding me…
keith
Will Smith is hot but Tommy Lee Jones is super smart and bitchy too. What a turn-on
Bill and Ted, Keanu is a cutie pie
On all the others, I’d have to take my chances and make a run for it.
Lol Doug, They Protect Earth from the Scum of Mankind.
I’d take the black guy on that one, and Paul Newman. Don’t know the rest of the actors/movies, and they don’t look and hot anyway. 😉
(I suppose it has to do with the fact that I was 14 when we finally got TV and had never been to a movie, either. By them I had already established other ways to entertain myself and don’t care much about TV and movies.)
All right, how about:
George vs. Kramer (from Seinfeld)? Either way, IMHO, that’s a losing proposition…
Newman – Yummy. Love those stunning blue eyes.
Redman – Never liked him
Keanu – Yummy
Hope – I’ve always liked him. Bing was an a-hole in my opinion.
Snooze on the rest.
Hugh Jackman and Gerard Butler – I totally agree with Moi. Double yum.
All right, I’ll bite.
-Newman: looking at that picture you posted was all it took. He’s got a devilish twinkle in the eye that’s quite appealing.
-Ted: but it hurts to think beyond the looks, so I’ll leave it at that.
-Bob or Bing: can’t go there. Ewwww.
-Lou: as you said, he just looks nice (that word men hate!)
-Jake or Elwood: that’s like a choice between fries that have been cooked in grease that’s not hot enough and a sandwich with waaaay too much mayonnaise. Can’t do it – double ewwww.
-J: this is going to sound strange, but I’ve always thought there’s something about his aura that speaks of strength tempered with gentleness and humour tempered with intelligence. It’s quite appealing to me.
-Chip: I suppose I’m going with looks again here because it seems that Chip has the black nose (hinting at greater sobriety than Dale), teeth that are more normal, and eyes that are a bit less Goofy McMad-Crazy than Dale’s.
-Hall or Oates: can’t touch this one at all, it makes me shudder just contemplating it. Triple ewwww.
Now as for the Ross vs. Chandler question, it’s always been Ross for me – I think because he’s geeky in the same way that I am. Plus he can be strong and vulnerable, depending on the situation at hand, which speaks to me of an opportunity for a more fulfilling and wholistic relationship.
Finally, Pat, choosing between Kramer and George is just too many different kinds of wrong! That’s like choosing whether you’d prefer a scabby band aid or a dirty mop string in your food.
Oh yes, Viggo Mortensen and Gerard Butler I won’t kick off the bedside. Nor Davd Wanham and Karl Urban. 🙂
Ok, I AM NOT ANSWERING THESE QUESTIONS BASED ON WHO I WOULD WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH, I AM BASING THE ANSWERS ON WHO LOOKS THE BEST IN MY OPINION, AND ALSO THE COMMENTS POSTED ON HERE, now let’s get a move on.
Bill vs. Ted: Neither because they look creepy and I’m assuming that they’re personalities are the same as they’re appearence(Plus all the comments on here say a lot about them).
Bob vs. Bing: Bing because Bob looks way creepy in the picture.
Bud vs. Lou: Bud (see Bob vs Bing).
Jake vs. Elwood: Elwood because he looks better and he isn’t insane to(Got that from the comments not the show or whatever).
Chip vs. Dale: I’d get a machine and turn them both real then I’d put a muzzle on them to stop there yappin’, finally I’d cage them and watch go in there little wheel(On second thought maybe I will put the muzzle on first. ;)).
Hall vs. Oates: Blec.
By the way, no gay jokes.
them* for those people ho noticed my screw-up.
Damn the fact you can’t edit your comment…
By the way, who*.
Hi Everyone,
Glad you all had fun with this! Sorry if I don’t respond to everyone (but that would get tiresome, too, don’t you think?) Thanks for responding.
Robyn: I’ve always been a Mary Ann kind of guy. The Gingers of the world scare me.
Lilith: AND Viggo played a kickass Satan in The Prophet. Best movie Satan ever.
Gabriele: Doesn’t it translate, “They protect the Earth from the scum of the universe”? Far be it from me to correct your German, my dear.
Pat: George vs. Kramer? You are like a total buzz kill, man. (I should talk. Hall and Oates!)
Jake: No ho jokes in mixed company.
That was me, by the way ;o)
You’re right, Doug.
I had read your post and wanted to reply. Then the phone called and I replied half an hour later.
Sort time memory? What is that?
Some of the “words” of that verification thing would make for character names – this time it’s: Jufmoy
short time memore.
AAAAARRRRGH
Short term memory, Gabriele ;o) That’s the memory you rely upon when cramming for a final exam.
I shouldn’t post at all at 5 am. The long term memory of English words doesn’t work, either.
Another cool verification word: zjijora
DOUG,
You forget the Coreys. Corey Haim and Corey Feldman? 🙁
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