Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Monthly Archives: April 2008
To boldly die
For $799, your ashes can be stored in this beautiful urn:
I may be weird (shut up) but this appeals to me. It’s like one of those big mirror balls you put in your garden; I’ve always wanted one of those, too. I figure it would make for countless hours of entertainment, watching hummingbirds attack their reflections.
More to the point, I DON’T want to be put in the ground, even if it is in a photon torpedo (linked above).
The STAR TREK Casket styling has been inspired by the popular “Photon Torpedo†design seen in STAR TREK II: The Wrath of Khan.
Way too confining. Deep down, I suspect I may be claustrophobic even in death. Burn me to ash and toss me to the winds! But leave a little for the cool urn.
Sometimes, I think I want to be mulched. Run me through a wood chipper and put the Walnut-slaw around the base of a middle-aged Sequoia, preferably in the middle of an untouchable national park. Yosemite, for example. The Republicans wouldn’t dare drill Yosemite for oil. Then I could become part of some massive tree which would stand erect for centuries to come.
That’s what I want to become in death — a humongous lingam!
How about you?
D.
P.S. We’re home. Six hour drive today, and I did most of it.
Full Balls and Walnuts services should resume tomorrow. Thank you for your patience.
Shaggin’ Quest
Remember CNN’s Richard Quest?
Well, he gets around.
CNN personality Richard Quest was busted in Central Park early yesterday with some drugs in his pocket, a rope around his neck that was tied to his genitals, and a sex toy in his boot, law-enforcement sources said.[…]
Quest was initially busted for loitering, the source said. Aside from the oddly configured rope, the search also turned up a sex toy inside of his boot, and a small bag of methamphetamine in his left jacket pocket.
It wasn’t immediately clear what the rope was for.
I think you can count on John Oliver (who has frequently spoofed Quest in the past) to enlighten us on Monday’s The Daily Show.
D.
Pink Floyd Nudes
Pink Floyd Nudes, originally uploaded by ArcticCorsair – Shipspotter.
Wait, wait! Where’s “Collection of Great Dance Songs”?
***
I had a $23 corn dog tonight. Amazing, eh? And what do you get for a $23 corn dog?
You get three corn dogs. With slaw.
D.
I’ve won a major prize!
Dear Walnut,
I am delighted to inform you that your poem “Confessions of a Teenaged Angstwolf” has been awarded our prestigious Editor’s Choice Award because it displays an original perspective and unique creativity — judged to be the qualities found most in exceptional poetry. Congratulations on your achievement!
Click on the quoted title to see the poem, as well as all the wonderful books and plaques I can receive — for a price. They go on:
If you would like to order the deluxe hardbound anthology in our Immortal Verses Series, featuring your poem “Confessions of a Teenaged Angstwolf” on an entire page by itself, please make your selections below.
Curious why I wrote this loathsome piece of doggerel? Here’s the background story.
Immortal verses, indeed.
D.
Road trip
Short one tonight, since we’re on the road. Tonight, we’re in Garberville, where the streets are paved with marijuana bricks. Which looks a lot like asphalt, actually; you have to get down on your knees and sniff to smell the difference.
Jake and I had dinner at Calico’s Deli, a quirky little place that impressed the hell out of us a few years ago, last time we made this trip as a family. I had pesto, Jake had gnocchi. Jake didn’t like his gnocchi, so he had pesto, I had gnocchi. We brought a BLT back for Karen, who was resting in the hotel.
Another two hundred miles tomorrow. We believe in civilized driving, Karen and I. None of this “500 miles in one day or you’re a sissy” stuff like dear old Dad used to do.
Hey, let’s see how fast I can do Thirteen Road Trips:
- 1964, LA to Boston (Exciting! Everything is exciting when you’re two.)
- 1960s and 70s, various times, LA to Las Vegas (Short of Boston, my parents’ favored vacation destination. *Yawn*)
- 1970, LA to Boston (Exciting! Still too young and dumb to know better.)
- 1972, LA to Boston (By now, I knew better.)
- 1979, LA to Berkeley, I-5 (Boring!)
- 1982, Berkeley to LA, Hwy. 101 (Grueling!)
- 1982, Berkeley to Tahoe (My first and only skiing adventure. I didn’t break anything.)
- 1983, Berkeley to Palo Alto, my first ‘big’ move (Not that big.)
- 1984-1990, Palo Alto to Monterey (The annual Cancer Biology retreat at Asilomar. Best conferences ever.)
- 1990, Palo Alto to LA (We drove the truck. The snakes stayed in pillow cases.)
- 1997, San Antonio to Canyon
LakeMudhole (That’s how desperate we were to see water.) - 1999 and after, Crescent City to San Jose down Hwy 101 (Nice drive. We’re reliving it.)
- 2004, Brookings to Portland (Hwy 101 north of Brookings: kicks ass. Some of the nicest coast line you’ll ever see.)
No lurve, lurvlings. Don’t know when I’d find the time.
Wish us luck 🙂
D.
Big B&W Welcome to Guest Blogger, Cindy McCain
Balls and Walnuts gets lots of lurkers — mostly folks with a professional interest in cleavage and camel toes, but a few food fanatics, too. First Lady Hopeful Cindy McCain is one of those lurkers. Who knew?!
Hoping to calm the waters after her recent flap over plagiarized recipes, Cindy contacted us to see if she could post one of those folksy family recipes handed down to her from Great Grandma Hensley. “This one’s been a Sabbath Sunday favorite for the Hensley clan ever since the 1920s,” Cindy said. “For realsies.”
Always eager to oblige recovered drug addicts and verbally abused spouses of irate politicians, we at Balls and Walnuts happily agreed to Mrs. Senator McCain’s request. I’m sure you’ll agree her recipe is “Cinsational”!!!
Tuesday Night Jam
So Steven Van Zandt, Dave Grohl, Bruce Springsteen, and Elvis Costello walk into a bar, beat the crap out of the Country/Western band that’s singing some kind of Dwight Yoakam caterwaul, steal their guitars, and jam on The Clash’s London Calling.
Something like that.
My pick for best vocalist in this quartet: Dave Grohl. That’s the guy with the goatee, in case y’all aren’t fans.
***
As some of you know, I like to complain bitterly about not being able to embed videos on my version of WordPress.
Well, I’m going to do something about it. To the first person who gives me advice leading to the successful embedding of a video on this blog (yeah, no fair telling me I can embed back on my Blogger blog), I’ll give a $25 gift certificate to the online vendor of your choice, assuming they offer gift certificates, and what yutz doesn’t?
Hint: copying and pasting the embed code into my post’s HTML does NOT get the job done.
D.
What happened to the dinosaurs
Beelzebufo, the devil frog, to be precise.
Devil frog gives useful advice to his little pal before raiding nest of yummy dinosaur eggs
Credit
From the article linked above:
A team of researchers, led by Stony Brook University paleontologist David Krause, has discovered the remains in Madagascar of what may be the largest frog ever to exist.
The 16-inch, 10-pound ancient frog, scientifically named Beelzebufo, or devil frog, links a group of frogs that lived 65 to 70 million years ago with frogs living today in South America . . . .
“Beelzebufo appears to be a very close relative of a group of South American frogs known as ‘ceratophyrines,’ or ‘pac-man’ frogs, because of their immense mouths,” said Krause, whose research was funded by the National Science Foundation (NSF). The ceratophryines are known to camouflage themselves in their surroundings, then ambush predators.
. . . . Not only was the frog huge, it was powerful in design, had a protective shield, an extremely wide mouth and powerful jaws. These features made Beelzebufo capable of killing lizards and other small vertebrates, perhaps even hatchling dinosaurs.
Remember Tubby, my pac-man frog? Eater of mice, thumbs, toes, and anything else moving within an inch of his enormous mouth?
That’s Tubby as a juvenile. At the time, he ate goldfish. Big goldfish. He graduated to mice within the year.
You bet I can believe Beelzebufo ate dinosaur hatchlings.
D.