Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Big B&W Welcome to Guest Blogger, Cindy McCain
Balls and Walnuts gets lots of lurkers — mostly folks with a professional interest in cleavage and camel toes, but a few food fanatics, too. First Lady Hopeful Cindy McCain is one of those lurkers. Who knew?!
Hoping to calm the waters after her recent flap over plagiarized recipes, Cindy contacted us to see if she could post one of those folksy family recipes handed down to her from Great Grandma Hensley. “This one’s been a Sabbath Sunday favorite for the Hensley clan ever since the 1920s,” Cindy said. “For realsies.”
Always eager to oblige recovered drug addicts and verbally abused spouses of irate politicians, we at Balls and Walnuts happily agreed to Mrs. Senator McCain’s request. I’m sure you’ll agree her recipe is “Cinsational”!!!
Great Grandma Hensley’s Crow En Croûte
“Nothin’ like scrumptious crow, hot out of the oven!” Great Grandma used to say. Indeed, crow was one of her favorite cooked varmints, beating out squirrel, possum, and pole cat. Serve this with my famous farfalle pasta with peas and mushrooms, slap down some passion fruit mousse for dessert, and you’re all set.
You’ll need:
- Humble pie crust. That means no elitist butter, y’hear?
- 1 tbsp margarine
- 3 big crows
- 6 thin slices of boiled ham
- 1 10 oz package frozen asparagus spears
- 1 egg, lightly beaten with 1 tbsp. of water
Sauce:
- 2 tbsp. butter
- 2 tbsp. flour
- 1 1/4 c. crow broth
- 1/4 c. dry vermouth
- 1/3 c. Swiss cheese, shredded
1. Trap and slaughter the crows. Drink their blood, it’ll make you look less pasty. Submerge them in boiling lye, pluck their feathers, and carve them for their breast meat. Have your servants make broth from the crow carcasses.
2. Saute breasts in a hot skillet with margarine. Let the breasts cool.
3. On some humble pie pastry, put down one breast, a slice of ham, and three asparagus spears. Fold over the pastry, brush with egg/water mixture, and bake 35 min in a 400 degree oven.
4. While the pastries are baking, brush your hair 500 times, practice smiling in front of a mirror, and bleach your teeth. Wind knob on scalp to tighten face.
5. Meanwhile, have your servants make the sauce. Whip it all together — oh, I don’t know. You think I can eat sauce? I can’t even eat the pastry!
6. Any resemblance to this recipe is strictly coincidental.
I don’t know about you, but I’ll be eating crow tonight!
***
Thanks, Cindy. Come back any time.
D.
buhhhh? *doesnt get it, doesnt follow politics, is young*
plus, crow isn’t kosher 😉
Good thing I actually read the entire thing, because I was going to post something about how this goes real well with a Vodka-Cream-Percocet sauce…
See? Can’t you taste it already?
I think you’d have to serve it with some kind of whole-grain or other high-roughage side, though. You know what those opiates will do to an intestine!
BWAAHAHAAHAHAAA!
It’s an interesting question: is a recipe a copyrighted creative work? People share recipes all the time. Is sharing a recipe an implicit grant of licence?
Not that what McCain’s campaign did was smart. I could have rewritten those recipes so that they at least looked different, but is the campaign guilty of ‘plagiarism’? We all take recipes. We modify them, they become ours.
I think the bigger deal here is how blatantly fake the whole ‘family recipe’ thing is. Some bozo at McCain’s campaign decided that they needed to downhome folksify ol’ Botox Cindy (yeah, look at that forehead: I see a gleaming sheet of botulism toxin), and so they swiped recipes in order to do it. Passionfruit mousse? Ahi Tuna with Napa Cabbage Slaw? THESE are family recipes? THESE are going to make Cindy all acceptable to the mac-and-cheese gobbling gun-toting beer-drinking AYrab-hating Republican core?
Dean: Recipes are a weird thing, IP-wise. They generally aren’t covered per se, despite all the ‘you may not reproduce’ boilerplate used in cookbooks and on recipe websites.
Seriously I don’t think that dish has ever been served in that household.
What yet-unswallowed food is stuffed in McCain’s jowls?
I’m thinking salivary gland tumors.
(Sorry. Professional interest here.)