Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Category Archives: Opium for the masses
Isaac and Ishmael
My old post from Blog Against Theocracy Day still generates interesting comments:
I have so many things I want to say but don’t know where to begin. First of all I am not very educated but still have opinions. I may not say this with the right words but hope you can figure out what I am trying to say. With so much hatered (which I don’t understand ) for the Jews and what they have gone through in Germany isn’t it amazing they have a state and manJews from all over the world are returning to the Land God gave them (Israel). Isn’t it amazing that most of their neighbors hate them and want to destroy them. They don’t have much land and in the bible God called it there land. I can’t help but wonder what all this means. I can’t help but believe what I have heard being said by others that it has something to do with Issac and Ishmael? I also am like many who can’t make since out of alot of things in the bible but it says that his ways are not our ways and his thoughts are not our thoughts. To think that all the stuff going on seems to be over such a small piece of land and people really makes me wonder if we aren’t in the last days. Would like to here your comments. thanks, karen
Excerpted from my response to Karen’s comment:
Belief
I suppose my son should be considered Pope of his own Church, the Church of the Lucky Penny. I’m sorry, Jake, but I cannot bring myself to pray to the Lucky Penny, not when the Flying Spaghetti Monster makes so much sense.
Been busy reading some of your suggested books. Made it about 100 pages into The Lies of Locke Lamora when Pat’s suggestion, Towing Jehovah, showed up in the mail courtesy of Paperback Swap. This particular book has had an interesting past: it used to belong to the Georgia Public Library, but they discarded it! Now, what could make them do a thing like that? The spine isn’t broken. No one has defaced the pages. The plastic-protected dust jacket is in top shape. No reason that I can see for the Georgia Public Library to discard a novel about the towing of the dead body of God to His final resting place in the Arctic Circle.
Like anyone who wants to believe, I would prefer to believe in pleasant things. Especially in light of yesterday’s rejection from the folks at Ellora’s Cave, I don’t want to believe in anything to gloomy or too doomy. Thenceforth, I shall believe in fortune cookies. I had two in today’s lunch-cookie (truly an auspicious sign, all by itself):
You will be rewarded for your efforts within the month.
The month of November, or a thirty-day interval? Please be more specific.
There will be many surprises; unexpected gains are likely.
Since I expect to get picked up by an agent or publisher, this last one could only mean that a movie deal is imminent.
I like my Church of the Fortune Cookie.
D.
PS: Really, really apropos: Catholic League’s William Donohue has his edible thong in a twist over the upcoming release of Golden Compass, the movie.
It’s a mug’s game
You can’t win.
(Pinched from an Orj Ozeppi comment at Daily Kos.)
Enough procrastinating. This book ain’t gonna write itself.
D.
Answer me one simple question
This is the last day for the Blog Against Theocracy blogswarm, and I’ve finally figured out what I wanted to say. I know I can’t say it without pissing off a lot of people, but I hope I can at least make myself understood.
I have no problem with people of faith who cherry-pick their beliefs. These are folks who adhere to the higher moral and ethical precepts of their religions, and who choose to ignore the crazy stuff. I’m a cherry-picker myself, as I have stated. Shorter version of that post:
. . . the Golden Rule is everything. We don’t need anything else.
And if each one of us could take that to heart and jettison all the other “articles of faith” (note, please, that you don’t even need faith to adopt the Golden Rule), the world would be a far better place.
So — what’s the obvious problem with theocracy? Theocrats aren’t cherry-pickers. They believe it all. Oh, they may not want to bring back the blood sacrifices of the Old Testament, but are they literalists otherwise? You betcha. And that’s a problem, because some of those beliefs are mighty suspect.
I’m not even talking about the obscure stuff, like combing through Leviticus to find justification for one’s hatred of gays. I’m talking about big league, central-tenet-of-faith stuff — like Passover, for instance. Passover is key to both Judaism and Christianity. Everyone knows the story: the Hebrews are enslaved in Egypt*, God directs Moses and Aaron to free the Hebrews, Pharoah resists, God punishes Pharoah and his people with ten plagues, the last of which is the Death of the Firstborn, in which the Angel of Death kills all firstborn Egyptians but spares the Hebrews. Moses and Aaron have instructed their people to mark their doors with lamb’s blood so that the Angel of Death will “pass over” those homes. Hence the name.
Yes, most folks know this story, but who ever bothers to question it?
I will, and I’ll do it with typical Jewish panache:
God kills all the firstborn Egyptians, babies to ancients, guilty and innocent alike. And this is a good thing?
Duggar delight: Seventeen Sixteen and one in the oven
Remember the Duggars?
I can always tell when Michelle Duggar is pregnant. No, she doesn’t have to pee on a stick; I need only check my blog’s top entry pages. When Snape Hearts Michelle Duggar starts creeping up in the ratings, some sort of Duggary Goodness is a-brew; and if you’re a Duggar, goodness = fecundity.
If Shara can be trusted, Number Eighteen is on the way. Should we start the naming pool? J-names only, people. I pick “Jaggers” if it’s a boy, “Jezebel” if it’s a girl.
From Shara’s blog:
Now, I know a lot of people might think that having 18 kids is irresponsible or just plain crazy and I might have even been one of those people once. But, this is one of the happiest most well adjusted families that you will EVER meet. I would like to be one of the Duggars! Really!
How does she know this? How can Shara distinguish happiness from Stepfordian acquiescence? She went to school with Michelle. That’s right — Shara is a firsthand witness to Duggary. I wish she had given us some insight into the teen pre-Duggar Michelle, but sadly she does not.
In a recent comment to this blog, Stefanie writes,
The Duggar family inspires me quite a bit. I mean, yes they have 16 children, but look at how much patience they have with all their children, especially the little ones. More power to them! If the Lord decided that this is the lifestyle for them to live, so be it. It’s not our place to judge each other. Like the bible says “Judge not les ye be judged†and “He without sin casts the first stoneâ€. Let the family live in peace. They are doing God’s work upon Earth. They are truly blessed with a wonderful family and I hope to see more documentaries about them in the future. God Bless Duggar Family!
Ah, where to begin. How about the fact that that particular post, aside from poking a little fun at a poorly worded email (supposedly from Jana Duggar), hardly threw “the first stone,” nor was it the least bit judgmental. But I’m more interested in Stefanie’s assertion that the Duggars are doing God’s work upon Earth.
For the sake of argument, let’s grant that God exists. Either (A) God’s ways and movements are mysterious, or (B) God’s ways and movements are revealed to the likes of Stefanie, Pat Robertson, George W. Bush, etc. If (B) is true, I would like these cognoscenti to explain to me the horror of evil, particularly evil inflicted upon the innocent and defenseless. And if they explain it by invoking God’s mysteriousness and ineffability, then (A) is true, in which case I would politely request that these folks shut the eff up about God.
***
‘Kay everyone, I’ve reached my depth for the evening. I had a bad night last night thanks to the horrors of acid reflux; it’s a minor miracle I managed to get some decent writing in today. But I did! Yay me!
One sex scene: down.
Two virgins: deflowered.
Stay tuned for tomorrow, wherein I meet some of Ellora’s cavepeople.
D.
Hebrew School
I never described the fallout from my Hanukkah Lobster story. Humiliated in front of my first grade class, unmasked as an ignoramus, I vowed to learn more about my religion. I demanded that my parents get me some religious instruction.
In our community’s synagogues, Hebrew school provided preparatory instruction for Bar and Bas Mitzvahs. I was too young for that. For a few years, I went to Sunday School, and I have pleasant memories making challah by braiding instant biscuit dough ropes, saving quarters to plant trees in Israel (much needed for our New and Improved Israel, AKA Israel the Expanded Edition, AKA Israel post the 1967 Arab-Israeli war), and doing crazy shit with macaroni, Elmer’s glue, and gold spray paint; and somewhere along the way, I forgot my desire to learn more about Judaism. Religious instruction, such as it was, consisted of stories about David and Goliath, Samson the Crazy Motherfucker, Esther and Haman. This was fun. Pleasant. A great excuse to get out of the house on the weekend.
Then Hebrew school happened.
While standing on one foot
In the OR today, one of my nurses asked me if I’d celebrated Christmas this year.
“No,” I said, a bit confused, since she knew the next part: “I’m Jewish.”
“Well, some people celebrate Christmas even if they’re not Christian.”
This is true, and I said as much. My wife’s family (Buddhist) always celebrated Christmas, and their Buddhist temple puts up a humongous tree every year. Considering Christmas’s pagan/druidic roots, why not celebrate Christmas? It’s fun. Those trees smell nice, too.
At this point, one of my other OR staff people asked, “So you don’t believe . . . I mean, you must believe in something.”
Five millimeters, cut
Or is Mr. Gingerbread Man uncircumcised?
No matter. A little nibble will fix that foreskin problem! (Click photo if you would like your very own Gingerbread Man . . . or anatomically correct G-Woman.)
Hat tip to Blue Gal for pointing me towards this “controversy.” Religious Floridians are all astir over the six naughty “pornaments” marketed by Spencer’s. Says Hillcrest Baptist Church Rev. Jim Patterson,
“It is just sad they have to stoop to this kind of thing to defame Christmas. It says we are nothing more than sexual acts or psychical being and we are much more than that. We are spiritual beings and this is a spiritual holiday. And, why bring it to that level. It makes no sense to me.”
Proving yet again that these dopes lack a sense of humor. When I think how I nearly pissed myself laughing over what South Park did to Judaism (Jews worship Moses, a spirit inhabiting a giant spinning dreidel, by coercing their children to make macaroni art projects at Jewbilee Camp), a reindeer with a boner is the least the religious right could endure. Hey, guys: Spencer’s didn’t even mess with Santa Claus, let alone Jesus. I call that respect.
These guys hate sex. Hate it hate it hate it. Will someone with a better understanding of the history of Christian sex-hatred please explain this to me? I’m pretty sure it has nothing to do with Jesus, and I seem to recall St. Augustine was an ex-libertine turned prude. Was it Augie’s fault?
D.
I’ve had it with religion
Listen. Like a spiritual biorhythm, I get a yen every few years to be more Jewish. It’s an odd urge which my family tolerates and I accede to with little resistance. With what’s happening in the Middle East, however, I don’t think my inner Jew will dare make an appearance . . . not for some time, anyway.
Some background is in order. My parents raised me to be a bacon-wrapped shrimp lovin’ kid. I come from long lines of apostates on both sides of the tree. My father’s dad relished pissing off the rabbi by keeping his grocery store (across the street from the synagogue) open on the Sabbath, and my father’s philosophy, as best I can tell, requires only a belief in predestination. On my mom’s side, being Jewish meant (A) hosting a riotous Seder every year and (B) nurturing an abiding hatred for the Catholics. (My grandmother kept bringing up the Inquisition. Can you believe that?) No one talked much about God.
Being a Jewish kid in California in the 60s and 70s meant
- Never forget the Holocaust.
- Our people have been persecuted for centuries. It’s not likely to stop any time soon.
- Support Israel. Save your quarters, plant a tree.
- Marry a Jewish girl.
- Hold on there, sonny! It’s been 30 seconds, and we haven’t reminded you of the Holocaust!
So . . . forgive me if I step on your spiritual toes, but at least you know I’ve been a partial heathen for many years now.
I’ve kvetched about this in the past, but it has been a while. Blue Gal’s post today reopened the wound. A quote from Gershom Gorenberg, via Blue Gal, via Right Web’s Culture, Religion, Apocalypse, and Middle East Foreign Policy:
Gershom Gorenberg points out that for Christian Zionists, Jews are actors in a play where the final curtain forces them to either convert to Christianity or die in a blaze of fire sent by God.
Enough all ready. ENOUGH. I’m tired of the Jews and the Christians and the Muslims. I’m tired of apocalyptic thinking, and in fact I think we need to recognize it for what it is: lunatic thinking, the waking fever dreams of psychopaths. Jewish Manifest Destiny is bullshit. The Book of Revelations is bullshit. ENOUGH.
I’m not saying all religion is crap. Not by a long shot. Where all religions shine is in their ethical teachings, and in that, there are riches to be found in all of the old religions. I know that a lot of you, like Blue Gal and Shelbi, consider yourselves religious Christians, but I think you try to follow the ethical teachings of Jesus and have shunned the 21st Century abomination that is American Marketplace Christianity. Similarly, I think I can be ethically Jewish without embracing an Old Testament God who wants to see his Chosen People blast the hell out of their Muslim neighbors.
Here’s a story for you. I may have told it before, and if so, I’m sorry to repeat myself.
During my last Jewish phase, my son’s stubborn atheism disturbed me. He was six at the time, and I couldn’t understand how a six-year-old could be certain of God’s nonexistence while at the same time believe in the reality of the Harry Potter universe. I mean, if you’re going to accept one form of magic, why not believe in all of them?
I kvetched to my rabbi. “My six-year-old is an atheist,” I said, and he replied, “And this is a problem?”
His point: what really matters in religion is not a set of empty beliefs but a collection of ethical teachings. You don’t have to embrace God to absorb the ethics. Ultimately, all that really matters is that we try to be the best people we can be, to ourselves and to each other, and you don’t need God for that.
Indeed (me talking now, not my rabbi), isn’t it more mature to practice the Golden Rule if you do it because you know in your heart it’s the right way to live, rather than for fear of God’s wrath? And if we could do that, take the ethics to heart and toss out the mythology, wouldn’t the world be a better place?
As I mentioned over at Blue Gal’s blog today, AKA The Panty Place, I used to think of myself as an agnostic Jew, but lately I think of myself as a cowardly atheist. Somehow, I have to reconcile this new atheism with a stubborn belief in God.
Here’s my question. If what God wants, REALLY wants, is for us to be good to one another and love one another (and if that isn’t what he wants, then WTF?), wouldn’t he also want us to jettison a mythology responsible for so much suffering, waste, and death? Wouldn’t he want us to be ethical atheists?
D.
Edited to add: Here’s an interesting diary at Kos which addresses much the same issue: Moralities. Good stuff.