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Keep your hands where I can see them, and step away from the joke.

Home } Writer's Life } Keep your hands where I can see them, and step away from the joke.

If Balls and Walnuts doesn’t seem particularly ballsy this week, and if the nuts just ain’t nutty enough for you, there’s a reason. Patients. Not all of them, mind you, but enough of them, nasty bitter evil people whose lives are not complete if they fail to ruin mine. Old-timers here will remember that I call these people brainsuckers: think vampires, minus the sex appeal. It only takes one a day to make me miserable, and this week it seems I’ve had three or four times that many.

But the week is over, I have a martini well in hand, and I’m ready to snark.

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, March 31, 2006. Category: Writer's Life.

Virtual bookshelf, pigeon soup, and BBQ shrimp

Home } Books 'n' Authors } Virtual bookshelf, pigeon soup, and BBQ shrimp

Headscratching pimp-job, mind-numbing stupidity, and mouthwatering shrimp, all below the fold.

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, March 30, 2006. Category: Books 'n' Authors, Food, The Barbarous Craft.

Thirteen Foreign Bodies

Home } The Barbarous Craft } Thirteen Foreign Bodies

Thursday Thirteen
This one is inspired by Kate, who has her own thirteen posted.

1. An artificial fingernail, removed from an adult's ear. Ouch!

2. Cockroaches, too many to remember.

3. Facial mud mask dried to the consistency of concrete, removed from the ear of a crazy person.

4. Black-eyed pea, removed from a young girl's nasal passage.

5. Silly putty, placed in a child's ear (as an ear plug) by a common sense-challenged mother.

6. Red string removed from my son's nose. And the shoemaker's sons go shoeless . . .

7. Half a pigeon head removed from an 18-month-old's larynx. Oh yes, more common sense-challenge parents to blame.

8. Countless pennies and nickles removed from little itty bitty esophaguses from Los Angeles to San Antonio.

9. A truly nasty meat impaction in the esophagus. When Alec Baldwin was learning how to play a doctor, he was watching me and my junior resident tackle this one.

10. Bamboo in the neck following a motorcycle accident.

11. Numerous bullet fragments recovered from the neck and face. Yes, we really do love to throw them into a metal bowl, so much that we usually do it over and over again, because it's things like that that make being an ENT worthwhile.

12. A rock of crack, which I wrote about here.

13. And enough childrens' beads to weave a size 14 wedding gown.

D.

Leave a comment, and I'll link to your Thirteen list here.

Schooligan gives us a wine list!

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged!
Yatta yatta yatta. Boy, am I sick of that paragraph.

, March 30, 2006. Category: The Barbarous Craft, Thirteen Candles.

Jill Carroll free, woo-hoo!

Home } such as it is } Jill Carroll free, woo-hoo!

Thanks, Kate & Blue Gal, for the heads-up. As you might imagine, I missed the news yesterday (online or televised). As usual, updates are posted at The Christian Science Monitor‘s site for Jill.

Happy day!

D.

, March 30, 2006. Category: such as it is.

Nut ‘n honey

Home } such as it is } Nut ‘n honey

Not 45 minutes after I got home, the ER called to tell me I had a post-op hemorrhage. Everything went well, but the whole thing ate up my evening. It’s late, I’m tired, so this is good night.

Be sure to check out some of these medical stories (see below, if you’re joining late) — some chilling tales, and no shortage of great writing.

D.

, March 29, 2006. Category: such as it is.

It’s a SCONE OFF!

Home } Contests } It’s a SCONE OFF!

First Beth posted her scone recipe . . .

Then Kate posted hers . . .

Then Lyvvie dared me to bake ’em both and let ’em battle it out in my mouth, upping the ante with the statement,

please tell me if you use real butter…I’m in the mood for some food porn.

And how could I deny anyone with eyes like hers?

So: this Saturday, it’s a Scone Off. My son and my wife will judge. I’ll blog on the results, and I will try to make it as pornographic as possible. Which means I’ll have to plan for leftover butter.

Don’t forget the Barbarous Craft contest, folks. I know you all have stories to share.

***

As for Brownie appearing on Colbert: what. an. idiot. Could he have looked any worse?

***

Lyn Cash has posted a great joke . . . and oh boy do I ever dig that photo.

***

Lilith has links to Brokeback spoofs . . . including Brokeback of the Dead. Bub, I don’t know how to quit you!

D.

, March 28, 2006. Category: Contests, Food.

The barbarous craft: a contest

Home } Contests } The barbarous craft: a contest

UPDATED! See below.

I have in my hot little hands three hardcover copies of A Life in Medicine: A Literary Anthology, edited by Robert Coles, M.D., and Randy Testa. This is a fine collection of poetry, fiction, and nonfiction about medicine, and includes work from Walt Whitman, William Carlos Williams, Anton Chekhov, Lewis Thomas, and Raymond Carver. Good stuff.

If you’re interested in winning a copy, here’s what you need to do. Between now and Friday evening, post something to your blog about medicine. Medical horror stories, medical success stories, hearsay can-you-believe-its, anything you like. Hey, I’ll even allow stories from veterinary medicine.

Once you’ve posted your story on your blog, drop me a comment in response to this post, and I’ll provide a link below (much as we do for the Thursday Thirteen). I’ll draw three names at random. You’ll need to be willing to email me your address so that I can mail you your copy.

Think of this as an open-ended meme with a potential prize!

UPDATE:

I wanted to add two things:

1. Yes, this is open to folks anywhere in the world.

2. For those of you who have a theme blog, a post about medicine, illness, healing, etc. may not fit into your theme. If you would still like to participate, I would be happy to host your column on this blog.

PARTICIPANTS:

1. Maureen romances the epidural.

2. Dean betrays his two best friends — and they take cruel revenge.

3. Leslie shares two horror stories.

4. Carla breaks my heart. (Well, any reader. Not me specifically, you understand.)

5. Suisan talks about a horse who haunts her dreams. Yes, Suisan, this qualifies.

6. Sapphire Writer is reeeally pushing her luck, but . . . okay, huge tumors count.

7. Kate discusses the joys of mature (rhymes with manure) doctors.

8. SxKitten‘s story took my breath away. Scary!

9. zzHwy101 had a screw loose . . . really.

10. Blue Gal proves that Prozac isn’t all bad.

11. Shelbi, it’s not that unusual for doctors to apologize. I often do.

D.

, March 28, 2006. Category: Contests, The Barbarous Craft.

Pills for balls to grow

Home } Sex } Pills for balls to grow

I can understand why a man would take a pill that would make him swing a wider or longer pipe. As long as you gals continue to write posts like this, guys like me will continue to wish we could add an inch here and there. And there. And over there. Make that two inches.

But why would a guy want his balls to grow?

I heard that, Maureen. (If anyone would know, you would.) No, I am not obsessed with my testicles, despite the name of the blog, despite the fact I work gonadal references into most of my fiction, and despite my daily self-exams which are essential for the early detection of testicular carcinoma. No, I do not want them to grow. What would be the point?

Perhaps it’s cultural. A certain guy of a certain nationality that a certain one of my readers knew very well was exceedingly proud of his large testicles. But I suspect he was in the minority. Trust me on this: in the high school gym showers, we weren’t comparing nut sacks.

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, March 27, 2006. Category: Sex.

Support Lara Logan

Home } Political rants } Support Lara Logan

Phoenix Woman has a diary up at Daily Kos regarding journalist Lara Logan, whom I blogged about the other day (scroll down a bit). Seems the wingnuts are after her. Why? Because she spoke the truth. Yeah, yeah, I sound melodramatic, but damn it, reserve judgment until you have watched the video.

I encourage you to read Phoenix Woman’s brief post and do what you can to support Ms. Logan. It’s easy — a phone call, an email. That’s all it takes. It’ll be your mitzvah for the day.

D.

, March 27, 2006. Category: Political rants.

Love’s a bitch

Home } Love } Love’s a bitch

Once again, I will wade out into my Sea of Ignorance, get in deep over my head, and cough, sputter, and puke my way through yet another Smart Bitches Day. Today’s topic, since I received very few orgasms from y’all (and, besides, Beth has already said every damned funny thing about orgasms possible), is breaking up.

I shall begin with a quote from that other expert in love, Matt Groening:

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, March 27, 2006. Category: Love.
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