Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Love’s a bitch
Once again, I will wade out into my Sea of Ignorance, get in deep over my head, and cough, sputter, and puke my way through yet another Smart Bitches Day. Today’s topic, since I received very few orgasms from y’all (and, besides, Beth has already said every damned funny thing about orgasms possible), is breaking up.
I shall begin with a quote from that other expert in love, Matt Groening:
IF YOU ARE DUMPED
Remember, life was once beautiful and food didn’t taste like cardboard.
Punch your pillow, not the wall.
Don’t act on any bright ideas you suddenly get, such as shaving your head or picking fights with burly thugs.
Do not loathe yourself. You are no more an unlovable pathetic jerk than you ever were.
There is more than one cuttlefish in the sea.
The insightful Groening goes on to list his Dumpism Do’s and Don’ts, including “Don’t humiliate yourself.” (Binky on the phone to Sheba: “Would it be ok if I slept outside your door tonight? I won’t make any noise.”) Why didn’t anyone tell me that? And “Do not loathe yourself.” I could have used that one, too.
As you can tell, twenty-five years and three months later, I still have Issues. And that leads me to my number one gripe against the few romance novels I have read thus far. None of them has addressed the romantic issue that bends me out of shape: breaking up.
From The 22 Stages of Heartbreak in Love is Hell by Matt Groening, 1984
See, I don’t need to relive the sensation of falling in love. I fell in love dozens of times before I ever really fell in love. I don’t need more falling in love. It’s the breaking up stuff which I’ve only done once, hope never to do again, ever ever, but which perplexes me to this day.
Maybe romance novelists avoid it because no one wants to read about pain. Maybe they don’t avoid it — maybe I’m reading the wrong books. And if you recommend any, I don’t want any of this bullshit where the couple break up, only to get back together again. Because that’s not what I’m talking about. The protagonist ought to go off into the HEA-tinged sunset with ANOTHER person, while that heartache, that loss, remains a permanent fixture of his character.
Yeah, I know. It would never sell.
***
On the next page of Matt Groening’s Love is Hell, right after The 22 Stages of Heartbreak, Binky tells Sheba, “Honey, listen to this brilliant insight about love I just thought up.”
Sheba: Here we go again.
Next panel: What is Love? Love is Hell.
Binky: See, it’s like this: love is doomed to fail simply because men are stupid and women are crazy.
Sheba: That’s your brilliant insight?
Next panel: But surely there’s more to love than hellishness, isn’t there? Yes, I lied. Love is riddled with lying.
Binky: Yep. Men are stupid and women are crazy.
Sheba: That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard.
Next panel: Who wrote the book of love? Some goddamned liar.
And so forth. A few panels later we get, Is it possible my lover could betray me? followed by the reply, Who else would?
Where there is immense pain, there is a nearly limitless resource for both drama and comedy. If bucktoothed, Bart Simpson-eyed rabbits can tap into this wellspring, romance writers can, too. Someone must have written about this, probably lots of someones, and I’m just so poorly read that I haven’t found those books yet. Right?
D.
PS: I keep trying to think of something to contribute to Romancing the Blog’s Open Blog Night. You guys know my schtick. Any suggestions? Bear in mind that they want original material. I suppose I could do a variation on my ‘what guys think about during sex’ post (Damn. Just reread that one. That was a good post!), but I always do best with fresh turf.
This is interesting, Doug, because i adore romances that are filled with emotional pain. I mean rip my heart out pass me the kleenex because I can’t stand it anymore, kind of pain… I never seem to have a problem finding them either. Maybe this is another example of how men and women differ in what they get/see out of romance.
I’d be interested to see you write a break up scene from the male perspective. What does he feel? How would you convey those emotions? Or am I, as a woman, asking the wrong questions for this scenario?
X
I feel bad for not sending you an orgasm. Here’s something just for you.
I did look for orgasms. The ones I found in books, well, they weren’t very dramatic, even in the purplest books. It was the previous stuff that was dramatic. Sorry.
I think you’re looking for breaking up stories in the wrong genre. Pretty much by definition, romance books have a couple getting together and the presumption is that they’re staying together. Check out women’s fiction for that heart-breaking break-up stuff.
But you want emotional pain? I just finished reading Laura Kinsale’s Flowers from the Storm. And last week, I read Dunnett’s Pawn in Frankincense. I’m still reeling.
I like tortured heros. But they still have to be strong.
OK, so take Christian in Flowers from the Storm–the guy’s rageful, violent, and insane with frustration that he can neither understand language nor speak it. He is also deeply infatuated with Maddy to the point where he comes to believe that they are together he will die (?), cease to exist (?). Oh, send me over the moon.
Except that he’s still strong–once he figures out what is going on–that his family is out ot declare him insane–he orchestrates an enormous bluff. He supports Maddy, bullies her sometimes, but overall you come away with the impression that he’s strong at his core.
Good tortured hero. Send em some more.
A hero dissolved in a puddle of goo on my front door? Eh, not so much. (Break-ups suck. And they hit you right at the core.)
After all, romance are escapist fantasy. It may be more interesting to write about a fully rounded character who builds himself up from a puddle of goo, but I’m not sure it’s escapist enough for Romancelandia
I think Darla’s right. Romance, by definition, ends with HEA. Plenty of angst beforehand, but it never ends with a breakup.
I have a friend who says dating is not practice for marriage, but practice for divorce. Get involved, get invested, get your heart broken, get your stuff back. If you’re lucky.
I think a man’s point of view on RTB would be great on any number of topics. I personally think a common man’s dumping technique- “I’ll call you” then he never does- isn’t because the guy doesn’t want to hurt the woman by just telling her. I think most guys are terrified of tears and the BUT WHYYYYY post-mortem to which women seem to be addicted.
Dunno if you’re into fantasy, but if you want not-really-happily-ever-after endings, Guy Gavriel Kay writes some great stuff. His stories are always about making hard choices – no one gets everything they want, and love often comes at a high price. Not just romantic love, either – characters have to choose between friendship and their country, or honour and happiness, or family and revenge. His endings are always bittersweet.
I can’t think of a single good break up book, either in Romancelandia or outside of it. But since everything under the sun has been written about at least once, it must be out there. I’m going to have to go looking now.
I can think of books I’ve read after a real life break up, but that’s not what you’re looking for, I’m sure 😉
jmc
ps Fixed the link to my review of MBO.
http://jmcarr2001.livejournal.com/33123.html
Thanks for commenting, folks. As usual, you’ve given me more books to order. Guy Gavriel Kay in particular sounds intriguing . . . and Darla’s picks sound interesting, too.
JMC, I’ve responded over at your place.
If you want to give GGK a spin, I’d recommend Tigana, Lions of Al-Rassan, or A Song for Arbonne to start.
My first (and so far only) Guy Gavriel Kay novel was Last Light of the Sun. I liked it a lot. (Of course, I’ve always been fascinated by Vikings…)
I really liked Last Light of the Sun, too, but it didn’t have the thwarted romance twist Doug was looking for.