Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Thirteen things I learned from Cosmo
As promised.
1. Women need help shaving their pubes into dumb designs.
Guy tip #1: shave it all off. That’s what we really want, not furry “landing strips.”
2. Bronze eye shadow is “in.”
Guy tip #2: Bronze eye shadow is only “in” if your guy is “into” heroin chic.
3.“Damp, chilled tea bags work wonders for sleepy, puffy eyes.”
Guy tip #3: Surprise your guy with teabagging and he won’t give a damn about your sleepy, puffy eyes.
4. “Plan Two Hot Dates With Him. Instead of orchestrating a perfect evening you’ll both love, make a deal that you’ll do whatever he wants one night as long as he does the same for you the other night.”
Guy tip #4: I like this advice. I can’t think of a better way to assess incompatibility. Two dates, and you’ll either be engaged or broken up.
5. Don’t leave your contact lenses in at night, says Monica L. Monica, MD.
Guy tip #5: Monica L. Monica? I’m going back to my old name, Doug E. Fresh.
6. Astroglide has massage lotion!
Guy tip #6: I learned about Astroglide from a gay Bay Area psychiatrist. Instinctively, I realized this guy knew more about lubricants than a score of Pep Boys employees. I’ve never gone back to KY.
7. Brighten up your hair color by adding Kool-Aid powder to your shampoo.
Guy tip #7: Guys dig cherry Kool-Aid powder. We’ll lick it off anything. Anything.
8. According to actor Owen Wilson, “When girls put lipstick beyond their lip line to make their mouth look voluptuous — that’s no bueno.”
Guy tip #8: When guys throw dippy Spanish expressions into their conversations, that’s muy estupido.
9. To make her feel sexy naked, compliment her sexy parts.
Guy tip #9: It really doesn’t work to say, “Honey, your clitoris looks just like a wee penis!”
10. He says: “My buddies really like you.” He means: “Okay, we’re officially dating now.”
Guy tip #10: Be sure he doesn’t mean, “I hope you’re into bukkake.”
11. 57% of guys have accidentally zipped part of their member.
Guy tip #11: If your man does this, DON’T blurt out, “Frank and beans! Frank and beans!” or else he might offer you some of his style gel.
12. Big, fake eyelashes are sexy, but big, fake boobs are not.
Guy tip #12: Oh yeah? Says who?
13. If you cheat, don’t tell. You’ll be doing more damage to the relationship if you come clean.
Guy tip #13: Don’t cheat in the first place, dumbass! Jeez. If you care that little about a relationship, leave the relationship. Unless it’s one of those open relationships. Yeah. That would be cool.
Have you learned anything new today? Leave a comment, and I’ll link to your Thirteen.
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Technorati tag: thursday thirteen
Man-tush over at Darla’s place!
Dusty gives us the latest on the Rove & Leopold show (not a 13, but what the hey)
Thirteen smiles from Pat (With Wallace and Gromit cookies!)
D.
Oh, they so need to hire you, Doug.
Cherry Koolaid? really? huh.
Now to think of something to put it on….
And # 13? Yep. No-brainer.
Oh, yeah, my TT’s up.
Mine’s up too.
I’m so sending my girlfriends a link.
I perfer your list to Cosmo’s..seriously.
Ha!
Too funny.
I’ve never liked cherry Kool-Aid… am I still a guy?
PS, I’ve got my list set up: 13 Smiles.
You Wiki teabagging for us but not bukkake?
I’ve not googled so much for one post in a long time. I’m getting my gutter education polished. I’m also remembering why I stopped reading Cosmo (BTW, do you still want the UK issue?)
And what if we don’t fancy cherry red highlights? What about grape? Do the guys like grape? What about a raspberry blue rinse? And would you get with tropical?
Yay for bronze eyeshadow!! I’ll have dust mine off.
Oh, and I did the shave thing once, Hubs said the “beard burn” was a killer.
I think I may have left a blank comment, oops.
Anyways:
Urban Dictionary > Wikipedia when it comes to slang and crass terms, IMHO.
Boy, I hope all those links don’t put me in spam purgatory.
Lyvvie, I figure anyone who wants it enough will educate themselves on the joys of bukkake. Blech. Oh, and I guess I shouldn’t said “shaving”. You need to wax, doll.
I’ll pass on the UK Cosmo. I’m all Cosmoed out. But thanks 🙂
Pat, you’re good.
Question – what photos on what main entry page?
[…] Cosmo 13: Girls, get your advice from the next hot columnist! miladyinsanity @ 1:27 am [filed under Alliterative Events Darla says: […]
I had to Google a bunch, too. Where do you learn this stuff, Doug?
I thought I was kinky ’cause I like getting tied up, but I’m tame by comparison [and likely staying that way. Some of that stuff, just eww.]
Your list was way better than Cosmo’s. Why do those tips remind me of Seventeen magazine? I think I’m getting old.
Shelbi — nothing I like better than learning new dirty words.
Sam — there’s your farm girl photo (under “About Me”) and your wistful sexy photo with sock-puppet. They look like two different people.
But I should talk. A little while ago, while walking through the hospital, I saw my photo up (I’m vice chief of staff, and they have all of the officers’ photos up) and I didn’t recognize me. And when I did, I wanted to tear the thing down. That isn’t me. I’m MUCH better looking than that!
Wait–so I shaved my nether regions just like you said in tip #1.
Shit! You meant that the woman is supposed to shave didn’t you?!
That’s okay, Rob. She’ll be glad you did. Pubes make terrible dental floss.
Yeah, it kind of kills the mood when you have to stop in the middle to gak up a hairball.
ok, when you talked about astroglide, my mind automatically went to this strip: http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=370 . go look at it. it is hilarious. i am addicted to this webcomic…
Dr D, have you written any more smut lately?
I need to read something to chase the politics out of my brain. Ewww.
See Bill of Portland Maine’s rant at dailykos? That helped, but I need more. MORE
astroglide as hair goo helped too.
Teabagging, shmeabagging. What you need to get into is wolfbagging – an activity of (professional) interest to both ENTs and Proctologists…
Personally I prefer the landing strip (Brazilian) to the complete removal (Californian, I was told tonight) – from a purely aesthetic point of view, natch.
Oh, Stephen, you have outdone me. But did you mean
‘natch’ or ‘snatch’?
Sorry, Kate, but they’re virgins. They have to work up to the nasty! In real life, people don’t just jump into the sack. Or at least, they never did with me 🙁
Darla, you betcha. Total buzz kill.
Thanks for the cartoon, Shaina. You shaina maidel you.
Oh, now, that’s a new one. The bacon-on-a-string? You’ve got to be really motivated to prepare for this in the first place. I think I’ll give it a pass for now.
BTW, this (not the wolfbagging, the post in general–mostly # 13) prompted a post at my place, but I don’t know how to do trackbacks, so I thought I’d just tell you. *sigh* Learning curves suck.
Stephen? Ugh.
*blushes*
[…] Thirteen things I learned from Cosmo, Part Deux By Walnut That last one was so much fun, I just had to buy the August issue of Cosmo. Particularly given their headliner: SHOCKING! […]