Thirteen things I learned from Cosmo, Part Deux

That last one was so much fun, I just had to buy the August issue of Cosmo. Particularly given their headliner:

SHOCKING!

THE SEX HE CRAVES

Thousands of Men Finally Admit What They’re Secretly Aching For

Guess what: thousands of men get it all wrong. More below the cut.

1. In the mind of Cosmo’s advertisers, heroin chic is still in.

Guy Tip #1: This does not say ‘sexy’:


Says lots of things to me, but ‘sexy’ ain’t one of them.

2. According to Jeffrey Jurkowitz, 30, Phoenix,

. . . don’t forget: He is still out on the prowl, so proceed with caution and remember to remain mysterious.

Guy tip #2: Be your own damned self. Then, if he falls for you, he’s fallen for the real you, not his elfen fantasy, or the mom-he-never-had, or the ex-wife-without-all-the-flaws. Mystery means he’s free to imagine whatever. You don’t want that. Unless, of course, all you want from him is sex. Then be mysterious as hell. Don’t even tell him your real name.

3. On page 32, What Makes Him Sexy, readers write:

“When a man wears just a towel around his waist and goes about his business, not even trying to entice you — now that’s hot!” — Cassie

“A sense of humor is always supersexy.” — Angi

“What gets me is a really deep, manly British accent. I basically find Clive Owen to be the sexiest man on earth!” — Beth

Guy tip #3: Cassie: Tried it, didn’t work. Angi: Have it, doesn’t work. Beth: So that’s who my wife has been sleeping with!

4. Nufree finipil “is the only safe, NO WAX, SOY-BASED, ANTIMICROBIAL liquid hair removal system that makes skin silky and smooth. Nufree is SAFE FOR OVER 98% OF THE BODY approved for Guyzilians and Brazilians.

Guy tip #4: Guyzilians? Guyzilians?

Do I really want my lizard to look like a lizard?

5. Sexy: Rosy-pink cheeks. Skanky: Sunburned-red cheeks.

Guy tip #5: Sexy: Spanked-pink butt cheeks. Skanky: Women who show plumber’s-buttcrack in the supermarket. Eeew!

6. According to Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas (sorry, I don’t listen to bands named after things two-year-olds stuff up their noses), her legs are her favorite body part.

Guy tip #6: Honey? No one is looking at your legs.

7. HE SAYS: “Wow, you’re just so . . . nice.” HE MEANS: “I feel guilty about something.”

Guy tip #7: If your gal reads Cosmo, never ever tell her she’s nice. Tell her she’s a bitch. That probably means, “I will be faithful to you forever and ever.”

8. On page 78, “Paging the Love Doctor” (huh? I don’t remember getting a page), Cosmo asks: “Why do guys like girls who seem dumb, such as Paris Hilton?” (A: “It’s not that men prefer women who are dumb; they just like some of the qualities associated with being less intelligent.” Ah. That clears it up.)

Guy tip #8: No one wants to sleep with Paris Hilton. She has to buy her lovers. The only people who “like” Paris Hilton are the editors of tabloids, People, and Cosmo. If we ignore her, she will go away.

9. A shorter hemline helps to lengthen shorter stems. Trumpet styles flare out at the bottom, smoothing and slenderizing a big behind. Flirty details like bows and a ruffled hem make a straight shape look girlie.

Guy tip #9: If you want to sell more issues to guys, try writing in English.

10. If Men Edited Cosmo (feature, page 186): “Our funniest male writers pitched the steamy stories they’d want to read in these pages. Thank God this was just a fantasy assignment.”

Guy Tip #10: HELLO. Guys do buy Cosmo. Look at me. And so, yes, I would like to see articles like “The Nasty Thing 40 Percent of Women Won’t Do (But Should)”, or “Why Sharing Him With a Friend Will Save Your Relationship.” Double your readership overnight!

Okay, you’ve all been very patient with me, wading through all my dumb jokes to get to the good stuff. Here’s my take on Cosmo’s feature article, “The SEX HE CRAVES” (page 121).

11. “Think about the best sex you’ve ever had. What made it so hot?”

“56%: My partner—she was superhorny and into me.”

Guy Tip #11: No criticism here. Indeed, a common theme of this article is that guys like women who seem to be interested in them. 48% of men said that “sighing out of boredom” during sex was the ultimate buzz kill.

The things you learn! This issue was worth every penny of its $4.29 cover price.

12. This, supposedly, is THE HOT ISSUE.

Guy tip #12: Basic journalism: use the appropriate word. Don’t call it HOT when even TEPID is a stretch. Honestly, three pages on THE SEX HE CRAVES and I don’t find anything, not a blessed thing, about the sex I crave. Am I really so far from the norm? (Don’t answer that.)

That article would make a jack rabbit swear off sex. I think they must have given their men a multiple choice test, rather than allow them to respond freely. How else can you explain the fact that in response to the question, “Which naughty twist would you like your girlfriend to do tonight,” no one, not a single measly percentage point, mentioned anal sex?

And how are you going to find out what men really crave if you give them a multiple choice test?

Which brings us to . . .

13. Men crave boredom.

Guy tip #13: Wrong. Here’s what men crave. This is worthy of a box:

Walnut’s Prime Rule of Guy Sexual Cravings

Guys want whatever they can’t have.

Get it? This rule has many practical, day-to-day applications. Let’s say your guy is so cold he requires blasting caps to get an erection. Deny him sex. Corollary: if your guy keeps pestering you for sex, give him as much as he wants and then demand more.

Want your toes sucked? Tell him the very thought of it grosses you out. Been dreaming of a rim job? Tell him the only taste buds getting near that hole will be the tongue sandwich you ate for lunch yesterday. You can make a man do anything by denying him the right to do it.

Try it and report back to me. All the details, please.

***

Leave a comment, and I’ll link to your Thirteen.

Suisan, punching bag for horses

It’s a wonder Kate ever posts

So if Trish bakes a potato, is that papacide?

Technorati tag:

D.

11 Comments

  1. noxcat says:

    Yeah, apparently Cosmo should write for men, since I think of all the people I know who buy it – all of one person (you) – 100% are male.

    I don’t buy such trash. :) Gimme Discover or Scientific American of Archaeology or Threads any day! (Yum, Threads – gotta renew my subscription.)

  2. Suisan says:

    Thirteen ways horses have injured me.

    Doug, I’m totally with you on number 13, there. Yabsolutely. Tell em no, and look out.

  3. kate r says:

    I’ve got 13 up. I hate poison ivy. I hate prednisone (but not as much as poison ivy). But that has nothing to do with today’s post except for the sleep factor.

  4. Kris Starr says:

    Doug — You know, I like getting your point of view on all this stuff. You confirm many of those things we’ve always assumed, but never been really sure about. *g* Especially those of us who’ve never had guy ‘friends’ per se…
    And I had that discussion about ‘guys and platonic friendships’ on my Blog a few days ago, too.

    You should consider a second career as an ‘Agony Uncle’… Hehehehe.

    Then maybe you can tell me why I’m not gettin’ any… 😉

  5. Lyvvie says:

    Do you think i should the same thing but with GQ instead…I’ve never read a GQ but isn’t it the fashion mag for blokes?

    Would your theory of deny the man something to make him do it work in reverse? Like if I said how much I love having my nipples chomped on like a slavering pit bull, he’ll stop doing it? Because serously…nothing. Does nothing for me. That’s a lie, it makes me a bit nauseous.

  6. trish says:

    Thanks for the insight! And I totally agree.. anal should have been on the list. I don’t think I’ve ever been with a man who *hasn’t* wanted that!

    My TT are up! :)

  7. Cool! Reverse psychology revisited … in bed. But I’m betting it doesn’t work in reverse:
    HIM: Honey, I hate it when you do that.
    HER: Oh good, I was just doing it for you.
    Sigh…

  8. Walnut says:

    Andrew, I know exactly what you mean. Cool blog you have there, by the way.

  9. Thanks. By the way, I re-read my comment above … so would that be reverse-reverse psychology? Do the two reverses cancel each other out? Maybe it all just boils down the that eternal relationship saver: “Whatever you want, dear.”

  10. mm says:

    …if your guy keeps pestering you for sex, give him as much as he wants and then demand more.

    Do I detect something a little self-serving in this hot tip? :-) (And did Karen fall for it?)

    BTW, I’ve been away on vacation for two whole weeks. Did you miss me?