Responsa

I wanted to post an image of myself seated behind my escritoire, fresh-nibbed pen in hand, thoughtfully considering the answers to your questions, but Mrs. Snape won’t let me retrieve our camera from the luggage. She won’t let me step foot on her side of the house, as a matter of fact, and she has erected a most effective Punishment Veil to ensure her privacy. Vindictive witch.

Note to self:

No more magical houseguests. No. Uh-uh.

— Walnut.

Sadly, you will have to imagine me sitting behind my escritoire, thoughtfully penning my replies. Without further ado . . .

Leslie asks: Doug went to Hogwart’s?? Omygod – did he get his medical degree there? Does he really HAVE a medical degree or is it in something else?

Hogwarts, no apostrophe. Master the language, dear. Yes, my host attended Hogwarts, but failed to graduate, “failed” being the key concept. As for his medical degree, I’ve seen the framed parchment. It claims he graduated from a prestigious West coast medical school.

I would like to point out that magical parchments can mimic any document. Some even write themselves.

Leslie also asks: Severus, did you know you could be a real hottie if you’d lighten up a bit?

Severus? My my, we have become familiar.

The answer is yes. I dyed my hair blond in the early 80s. It was a Billy Idol thing. It fatigued me mightily, having to drive away women with my favorite hickory wand.

The lovely Lyvvie, she of the captivating eyes, asks: What’s divorce court like for Wizards and Witches unhappily betrothed? Are there ample lashings of veritaserum? Does veritaserum taste nice; I’d imagine the truth to be cherry flavoured, or minty fresh. I’ve also wondered what pensieve water smells like…

That’s three questions, Lyvvie, but as I was remiss in setting stipulations, I am bound to answer all three.

Funny you should ask about the pensieve. Magical divorce court employs a pensieve the size of an Olympic swimming pool. A jury of one’s peers (purebloods if appropriate, mudbloods for mixed couples) sits in the bleachers, watching the highlights of the marriage at 10x-speed. Afterwards, the jury makes their decision by general acclaim. The losing party is obliged to apply salve to the piles of a flatulent Hebridean Black dragon whom the Ministry keeps expressly for this purpose.

And people wonder why I stay with Mrs. Snape.

As for the aroma of pensieve water, much depends on the owner. Not surprisingly, the divorce court pensieve smells of chlorine. (They have to chlorinate it; otherwise, all manner of sticky memories cling to the walls.) Albus’s pensieve reeks of yesterday’s Bubble and Squeak. The old fool often forgets himself and uses his pensieve as a wash basin.

As for veritaserum, need you ask? The truth is always bitter.

SxKitten and Beard desire to know the characteristics of my ideal mate.

Child’s play. My ideal mate should look like this, be as loyal as this, make love like this, and have the wit, wisdom, and all-around superlative personality of this.

That is all.

S.