Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Q&A
Knock knock knock.
Me: Go away.
Walnut: You’re being ridiculous. You know that, don’t you?
Me: I am never ridiculous.
Walnut: I see . . .
Me: If I remember correctly, you received a D in Defense Against the Dark Arts — and that was a gift.
Walnut: Your point?
Me: Given your shortcomings, I would be careful to whom you direct your sarcasm.
Walnut: Oh. Great. Now you’re threatening me. You’re a guest in my house, and you’re threatening me —
Me: Cautioning you.
Walnut: . . . and you’ve grabbed the laptop and locked yourself in the bathroom. REAL mature, Professor. One little blow-up with Mrs. Snape, and you’re taking it out on the rest of us.
Me: Hardly a little blow-up —
Walnut: Want some advice? If Mrs. Snape is still screaming at you? Not a good time to ask for make-up sex.
Me: I have here a small draught of phallus shrivellus potion. Even an underachiever like you surely remembers —
Walnut: Fine. Be that way. But when you’re done in there, light a match or something. It smells like a hippogriff crawled up and died in there.
***
Good. Now we’re alone, you and I.
What? Oh.
Money, of course. Always about money. “You had to be an academic,” quoth Mrs. Snape. She’s always throwing that back at me. “Couldn’t go into Daddy’s wand business. Not you. Too good for that, you.”
“I’m not interested in wands.”
“There’s good money in wands! But you, you’re not interested in money.”
“Now that you mention it, no.”
“It took money to come to the colonies, didn’t it? You and your scheme to bed that Duggar trollop. Well, my dear, if you had wanted to shag some slapper with a flange wide as the Chunnel, you could have stayed home and boffed Narcissa to your heart’s content.”
“Silence, woman. How many times must I tell you, the wench had imbibed polyjuice potion. She looked like you, dearest. How would I have known otherwise?”
“She enjoyed it, didn’t she? That might have been a clue.”
Things degenerated from there.
And here I am, unable to sleep. Yes, I have the proper draughts in my luggage, but that would require me to enter her room. I shall suffer here in silence.
Whilst doing so, I am amenable to questions.
S.
Doug went to Hogwart’s?? Omygod – did he get his medical degree there? Does he really HAVE a medical degree or is it in something else?
Upon consideration, a Hogwart’s degree would probably stand any busy physician in good stead. And for someone really busy, Hermione’s time turner would be a good addition too. If you really wanted to make money, couldn’t you sell some of those on the side? Or would that be too close to the wand business?
On another topic, Severus, did you know you could be a real hottie if you’d lighten up a bit? Just sayin’ is all….
What’s divorce court like for Wizards and Witches unhappily betrothed? Are there ample lashings of veritaserum? Does veritaserum taste nice; I’d imagine the truth to be cherry flavoured, or minty fresh. I’ve also wondered what pensieve water smells like…
It’s just awful when your partner in life doesn’t support your career choice, and for you it’s worse, she resents you for being the great educator that you are. Shame that even in the Wizarding world, teachers are underpaid, and disrespected.
The delectable Snape taking questions – such an opportunity! But which to ask first?
Describe your ideal woman – one with long term prospects, if you’d be so kind, rather than the hottie of the day. I realize romance is a sham, so I’m interested in what you’d look for in a domestic partner, were Mrs. Snape to have an unfortunate encounter with a Hungarian Horntail.
Oh, I’ll echo SxKitten…what *are* you looking for, Professor? Perhaps a partner who can properly transcribe your spells in an appropriate hand. I’d see you prefering something impressive, dense, requiring great thought, and contemplation. Perhaps the scribing of the potions should be done by someone expert in Pointed Textura Quadrata, without flourishes.
Should there be an unfortunate encounter with a Hungararian Horntail, I can relocate across the pond.