Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Thirteen Resolutions for 2008
Amazing: I have never done a Thirteen for New Year’s resolutions. Back in ’05, I managed to think up six resolutions. How did I do?
1. Lose five pounds. I gained five. On the other hand, I think I converted about twenty pounds of fat into muscle.
2. Sign up at another gym (my favorite one closed) and, um, like, actually use the place. Success! See #1.
3. Lose my temper with my son 25% less. You’ll have to ask Jake about this, but I suspect I’ve been successful here, too.
4. Finish editing TBC and send out queries. Well, I never said how many queries I would send out . . .
5. Write my congressmen (yeah, they’re all guys) every time I think my head might explode. Ah, the joys of email.
And because I really really hate living in a warehouse . . .
6. Get flooring and counter tops! Counter tops: check. Flooring: I resolve never to make resolutions which depend upon the cooperation of contractors.
Below the cut: Thirteen New Year’s Resolutions.
1. I resolve to be content with the state of my man-boobage. If I want better man-titty, I’ll do it the old-fashioned way: I’ll work at it. Or I’ll eat lots of cheesecake, but that’s only if I want to try to one-up my wife.
Honestly: does this look good to anyone?
2. I will not take too much pleasure in staging bug fights. Our scorpion does not need encouragement.
Sting him, sting him! Why did God give you a telson if you’re not going to sting him?
3. I resolve not to stalk Natalie Portman, Natalie Merchant, or Natalie Dormer.
Gggrrrrrgghhllll. Natalie Dormer.
She’s the one on the right.
4. I promise to stop making Leave Britney Alone imitations, if for no other reason than to save on helium costs.
5. I vow to have more sex, even if I have to take matters into my own hand! Oh, that reminds me . . .
6. I pledge to push the boundaries of the phrase, “Too Much Information.” How many of my newer readers realize I have no shame? And how can they possibly know that if I persist in not behaving shamelessly?
7. I will not star in a black buddy film.
8. I will stop whining. Hey, wait! This was supposed to be a list of easy resolutions. 8. I resolve to whine more.
9. I resolve to bring more butt cleavage to the intertubes.
. . . Because one can never have too much butt cleavage.
10. I will definitely try to stop saying “I think you’ve seen this one before” every time Karen watches Law & Order.
11. And, in any case, I will stop making catty comments about Mariska Hargitay.
12. I will not be a scab for the TV writer’s strike, even if the networks offer me a seven-figure salary. Now, if Showtime offers to fix me up with Jaime Murray, that’s a different story. Every man has his breaking point.
13. I will not violate Godwin’s Law, and I will not willfully misinterpret others when they make insightful comments about Hitler. Will Smith is right and the Daily Record’s writer is an ass hat with no insight into the nature of evil.
Folks, the family and I are traveling today. We’re en route to Las Vegas for my parents’ 60th Anniversary celebration. I’ll lurve ya if I can; meanwhile, feel free to provide your own linkies in the comments.
Dean on Christmas carols: the good, the bad, and the ugly
Dan thinks we all need to feed ourselves, or something
Corn Dog posts a bizarre dog video
Darla posts thirteen things I fear (hint: snow. Ice. Repeat.)
D.
Natalie Dormer is Anne Boleyn in the BBC miniseries playing on CBC. She gets pretty naked in one passionate scene. Delectable.
When I do workshops on creating characters, in the villain portion I say that no matter how evil you are, you never wake up saying “I get to kill babies today! Go me!” Caricatures of villains might do that but *real* baddies think they’re doing the right thing for whatever reason they’ve decided that it’s right.
Will Smith was spot on, dammit!
Dean: believe it or not, I haven’t watched that miniseries. Karen says it’s NOTHING BUT SEX! EW! But honestly, I detest soft core, and according to Karen the story was wanting.
Tam: damn straight. And since I can never get to those conventions, I’m glad to know my intuition about villains was right 🙂
Doug: Where are the videos of your “Leave Britney Alone” imitations? We’re all waiting.
Tambo: But, they’re not “babies.” They’re subhuman mutants that need to be exterminated for the betterment of the human race. Oh, wait, did I just prove your point?
Dan: that resolution was for my son’s benefit. For every Chris Crocker imitation I do, he does ten. I’m hoping if I set a good example, he will follow.
yeah, right.
I should say I misspoke, the series is not by the BBC, it is by Showtime, which explains much.
The series is definitely wanting. I enjoy Dormer as Boleyn: she’s a beautiful woman in an other-than-TV-standard way, and I enjoy me that.
But there are other problems. Jonathan Rhys Meyers is a good actor, but he is just too short for me to accept him as Henry VIII, who was a large and physically powerful man.
That’s minor, though: the biggest problem is that Henry packed more living and governing into his life than any ten other monarchs, and there is just too much material even in the slice that The Tudors covers to be handled properly. Everything is skipped over, skimmed. We don’t get a sense of WHY Henry did the things he did, just that he did them and that was that.
It’s too bad, really, because Henry is a rich subject. There is so much dramatic material there.
Umm, #9, yeah. I know it’s supposed to be sexy but I am so tired of that baggy pants look that all I want to say is “pull up yur pants.” To even that chiquita
Those fake moobs look almost as bad as the fake ones on women. Which reminds me of the porn movie we’ve watched about half of: lumpy scary fake boobs on one of the women, and flabby moobs on one of the guys. eeeeuuuww.
[…] Joanne is AWOL, Rolando got an award, Erina is back, and Mike refuses to make resolutions but Doug makes some and posts some NSFW* pictures. Doug also seems to have a thing for Natalie’s, especially Natalie Dormer, who, if you look up her IMdB profile, apparently has only two facial expressions. […]