Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Valdis pwnd
I’ve spent the past month with an arrogant elf, a dryad with PMS, and a half-giant with fewer IQ points than toes. We’ve been teleporting back and forth across Aranna, searching for bits of a legendary shield. There was this Azunite scholar who kept showing up after every big fight. These academic types are such wusses. So me (I was a dryad chick named Chloe) and my droogs would clobber some big-assed monster with about a billion hit points, then the scholar would show up, say, “Good job! Carry on,” and refuse to answer my questions. THEN the bastard turns evil in the end and steals my rebuilt magical shield!
Always knew that asshole was up to no good. He showed his true colors when it came time to defeat the primo baddie, Validis.
Frankly, I’m not sure what happened. Every so often this big, booming voice in the sky would provide my party with backstory; I’m pretty sure the uppity elf would pay attention, but as for me, my eyes glazed over. If you’ve seen one magical sword clash with a magical shield leading to the devastation of the Age, you’ve seen them all. And what’s the point, anyway, when every bloody time I defeat one Great Evil, a New Great Evil arises? It’s like trying to kill Freddy Krueger: as long as heroes like me are willing to travel great distances, murdering hordes of malignant beasts and undead along the way, there’s always some quintessential villain ready to step up to the plate. And then it’s kill Valdis, or kill son-of-Valdis, or kill Valdis’s underling who has been plotting Valdis’s destruction all along, and we’re all pawns, I tell you, pawns! and then the stars rearrange themselves (I kid you not) and it’s time to either (A) replay the whole damned game at a more brutal difficulty level, or (B) take the plunge and kill the New Great Evil.
I could wish for a lot of things, though, like the ability to look up. Is that asking so much? Three Dungeon Siege games I’ve played (four, since I just bought “Broken World”) and my character still can’t look up. A chick likes to look at the sky sometimes, you know? And sex. Chloe was so desperate by the end of her journey, even the half-idiot half-giant was beginning to look good. Every town had a magic shop, an enchanter, and providers of weapons and armor, but try and find a rent boy, just try. I finished the game with over a million gold pieces. Chloe should have been able to go reverse cowgirl on Johnny Depp for half that much.
A better story would have been nice, too. Chloe wouldn’t give a damn, but I do.
D.
…Huh? What was that about Johnny Depp again? I’m sorry, but I have the worst habit of glazing over when gamers talk shop. It’s a survival instinct…of sorts. You’d understand, I’m sure once trapped in a conversation debating pads vs tampons.
Damn – that IS a big sword.
Lyvvie: just be glad I didn’t try to summarize the story for you.
Sam: and he wields it well!