Thirteen things I hate about TV

Admit it. Hatred is more interesting than love, snark trumps warmth, evil beats good hands down. Would you really want to read “Thirteen things I love about TV”? I didn’t think so.

Thirteen detestable things from the box . . . below the cut.

1. William Shatner’s toupee collection. He’s not aging gracefully. If you recall how paunchy he looked in his gold Federation jumpsuit, he didn’t get through his 30s or 40s gracefully, either.

Nowadays, he shows up in commercials with old pal Leonard Nimoy. I like Nimoy in these spots because he gets to dis Shatner. Spock always was, and ever will be the cooler crew member, don’t you think? But when Shatner goes solo, nothing competes with the hideousness of The Rug, and I can’t hit the channel changer fast enough.

Remember that time in the old Star Trek when the flying brain latkes landed on people’s backs like Gigeresque Kick Me stickers? My recollection is, Spock took one for the team in that episode; but every time I see Shatner’s head, I have my doubts.

2. Professional team sports. Does anyone really watch this crap? I suppose it might be mildly entertaining for a few minutes, at best, to see grown men rush around in utter chaos. But then some ancient frat boy starts yammering in a language I don’t understand, some other ancient frat boy yammers back at him, they act like they comprehend one another, a clock dings, and those overpaid and overmuscled young men start racing around again because of a ball.

(Exception to this rule: Dodgers announcer Vin Scully, who turns 80 today. Happy Birthday, Vin! When you called the game, I could almost get it.)

My roommate in the dorms once tried to convince me that if I would only read the sports section every Sunday, all would become clear. He went on to become a handler of thyroid-killing isotopes, so I’ll let you make your own judgments as to his intellect.

3. The GEICO cavemen. It’s a hazard of the profession: I hate it when Hollywood puts shit on people’s faces. I look at this guy,

and I think, “Hmm, frontal bossing, small cranial capacity, prognathic jaw. Name that syndrome.” The more Hollywood messes with facial form, the more it disturbs me. Who is responsible for that grown-up Cabbage Patch Kid commercial? I despise that one. And the one with the trolls and leprechauns roaming the workplace creeps me out, too.

More to the point, the Geico commercials are pointless, inane, and have nothing to do with car insurance. I can’t believe they’re giving these idjits their own sitcom. Sounds horrendous.

4. Jack Links Beef Jerky “Messin’ with Sasquatch” commercials, another mindnumbingly stupid ad campaign. Red neck white boys run out of cows to tip, so they decide to tease Big Foot instead. Big Foot usually gets his revenge, but it’s never enough. An advisory,

Jack Links Beef Jerky is made only from the tender gastrocnemius muscles of young, Cheetos-fattened white boys who were brain-dead enough to fuck with Sasquatch

might convince me to buy a package, but only in support of a good cause.

5. Fainting with the Stars, now with Collapsible Legsâ„¢ Marie Osmond. ‘Nuff said.

6. The #1 segment on Countdown with Keith Olbermann. For the uninitiated: Countdown consists of five segments told in reverse order — #5 is the first segment, #1 the last. Ergo, “Countdown.” Or as the young people say, “Durrr!” Keith front-loads the program with real news, but his producers make him finish up with pop fluff. Tonight’s #1 segment: equal parts Britney Spears racing through Borders to buy coffee and Paris Hilton, denier of the worldwide pachyderm alcoholism crisis (don’t ask). Past nights have included stories about Britney Spears, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, Britney Spears, and on slow nights, Britney Spears. But it used to be worse. When American Idol held court, we were feted with night after night of Sanjaya stories.

Keith seems to be holding his nose while doing these pieces, but I don’t know, folks. He just renegotiated a cherry contract. Couldn’t he have squeezed a bit more substance into the #1 slot?

7. The writer’s strike. Evil studio execs. I hope the writers win it this time.

8. Crappy anime. Not the wonderful films of Miyazaki, or top notch SF like Akira. I’m talking about the ultra-minimalist anime wherein characters have perhaps eight different facial expressions (combinations of mouth open/closed; eyes open/closed; appearance happy/dismayed), motion is conveyed symbolically by horizontal lines streaming midair, and nearly everyone looks like a four-year-old girl.

If you would like to see an excellent (and funny) contrast between Western and Japanese animation, check out Popeye vs. Anime.

9. 24, Fox Network’s “award-winning drama” about some counter-terrorist dude named Jack Bauer. You only need to know three things about this show: (1) its plots endorse the idea that torture is a useful means for extracting information; (2) here in the heartland, terrorists are everywhere; and (3) many Fox viewers believe every word.

It’s drama! It’s propaganda! It’s dramaganda!

10. Fox News and all its minions. What do Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity, Shepard Smith, and Brit Hume have in common?

I don’t know . . . but I’m pretty sure it’s drug resistant.

11. Sex/Violence hypocrisy. You can see maimings, graphic murders, torture, child abuse, rape (just don’t show too much skin!), cruelty in every form . . . but God help you if your nipple makes an appearance during a Super Bowl halftime show.

12. Reality TV, predicted by science fiction authors (P. K. Dick, for one, but don’t ask me for examples, I still have a bloody head cold!) decades ago, now a true reality far worse than any fiction. This stuff feeds off the basest aspects of human nature, thrives in displays of hatred, anger, embarrassment, humiliation. Take, for example:

The Big Donor Show (Netherlands, 2007) – A terminally ill woman will select one of three people in need of a kidney donation to receive her organs after death. Producers claim the show had been made to highlight the shortage of organ doners. However, on the night of broadcast the show was revealed to be a hoax.

But the worst of the worst has to be Fear Factor. Too many of their stunts involve hurting and killing small animals. I don’t care what the idiot contestants do to themselves, but when they harm other creatures, that crosses the line.

13. Medical dramas. Yup, all of them, except for St. Elsewhere, which I still kinda like. I’m bothered by medical inaccuracies, misrepresentations of the doctor-patient relationship, fostering of false hope, tidy stories designed to fit into a 30 minute or 60 minute slot. But what bugs me the most: missed opportunity. Medicine is dramatic; tell it like it is and the audience would be riveted (when they weren’t bored silly). Writers don’t have to get fancy.

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