Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Carl, you don’t have to wipe up after fog.
- The fog comes
on little cat feet.
It sits looking
over harbor and city
on silent haunches
and then moves on.
The trouble with little cat feet? They leave little cat paw prints.
Two or three prints right there (I drew a box around one), several dozen on the rest of the counter. Karen says that on Arachnoboards, a list devoted to tarantula enthusiasts, someone once said, “The trouble is, they don’t just walk on your counters. They sit on them, too. Try putting red lipstick on your cat’s anus; later, you can count how many red smooches dot your counters.”
I don’t need red lipstick to prove it. My powers of observation suffice! And I shall not admit defeat to a cat. I have enlisted the aid of a motion-sensing ally.
The candles flash, the red eyes flash, and the speaker booms, “TRICK OR TREAT, BWAAHAHAHAHAAAA!” If it works, no paw prints, no butthole prints.
I haven’t checked yet to see if it’s working.
Live blogging tonight . . . oh, let’s make it 8, but I may be here sooner.
D.
I was just thinking how funny it would be if someone were to walk in and catch you putting lipstick on your cat’s anus.
Nobody would buy the explanation.
I DID like this one; you’re right. Our cats walk on the counters too. I want that skull!!
Sarah Silverman has her own show on Comedy Central. On the last episode, she couldn’t understand why her dog was licking his ass all the time. She figured it had to taste pretty good for him to lick it all the time, so she licked it to see for herself. In public. And got arrested.
Yeah, pretty silly stuff.
Sis: let’s wait and see if it works!
I don’t know which image I’m liking better–the screaming skull thing or the idea of a cat with lipstick on its butthole or the image of someone TRYING to put the lipstick there.
all of these make my night that much better.
I tried. But the cat said, “That’s Bright Orange Red Shimmer. My color is Vibrant Iced Pink Shimmer, you fool!”
At least those footprints clean off. For many years my main remembrance of our deceased border collie was sparked by his indelible footprints left on my hang gliders sail.
Off topic: The most controversial comedy show in Oz right now is “The Chasers’ War on Everything”
You may not know who half the folks they’re singing about are, but even so, did they go too far…
The Eulogy Song (“Even pricks turn into top blokes when they’re dead”) is here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1GJ4j9h0tL8
You give good woody, baby.
hey… wanted to apologize for not getting that tiramisu cheesecake emailed yet. life has been one shitstorm after another lately, what with the fires and all… a neighbor’s tree broke and landed on my roof and their insurance company has been giving me fits. they denied my claim! fuckers! they haven’t heard the last out of me.
wanted to pass along a tip for maintaining your new countertops. method makes a product called “the daily granite” that’s worked GREAT on ours. i’d also suggest picking up their microfiber cloth to use with it.
i’ll get that recipe to you sometime this week, k?
Thanks, Julia. I certainly understand that you have your own worries to deal with. Good luck with that insurance company!
Can I just say that I’ve had the image of red-rimmed cats’ arses firmly embedded in my head all day?
Well done, sir; well done.
It wasn’t me! It was Karen’s tarantula billboard!