Balls and Walnuts
more than you ever wanted to know
Category Archives: Stardust
Nose to the electron gun
I had hopes that yesterday’s post would vault my hits into, if not four-digit territory, at least above-250-hits-a-day territory, but no, I gave you Alan Rickman, and what do you do? You stay away from your computers. You spend time with your families. The nerve.
Mind you, the post itself was a shmata, chazzerai, but the comments . . . oy! To die for.
I spent the day catching up on my Tangent assignment. With the way my work days have been, I knew that if I didn’t post my review today, I wouldn’t finish it until next weekend. I’m already late on it, but Eugie is such a sweetie, she hasn’t even griped.
I can’t believe tomorrow is already Monday. I am so not into this work thing.
D.
A singular lack of faith
Here’s how my mind works.
I’m thinking about all the various spoof blogs I know: Madonna’s Personal Blog, Harriet Miers’s Blog!!!, and Mel’s Musings (Mel Gibson’s Blog), and I’m wondering, what other famous people have fake blogs in their honor?
If anyone deserves a Harriet Miers-style blog, it’s George W. Bush. Google George Bush’s Blog and you’ll get this defunct site (last update, June 6, 2001). Then there’s Bush Blog!, which at least updates a bit more regularly (last entry, December 17, 2005). GOP.com, the Republican National Committee’s official blog, is the funniest of the three. With a headline like Economy Continues to Thrive, you know they have writers who will give The Daily Show a run for its money.
After that, I get the bright idea of looking for God’s blog. Turns out, He has several, like this one, or this one, which I rather like. Maybe I just dig the idea of God singing a Barry Manilow song for Jesus’ birthday.
He wore a diamond
He was escorted to his chair
He saw Lola dancing there . . .”
But what really gets me is this one, called Godblog. On June 3, 2002, someone named Steve Jones set up Godblog on Blogspot. His tag reads,
Some of the amazing stories that people have told me or I have experienced about God doing stuff.
and his one and only entry reads,
No link. Nada. Talk about a let-down.
So, Steve? Put up or shut up. If you don’t want to run Godblog, that’s cool. It’s easy as pie to destroy your blog — believe me, I know. But leaving up a blog that reads
Some stories of God’s amazingness
with nothing else to back it up depresses the hell out of me, and I’m agnostic.
Anyway, what we really need is for one of the God’s Blog guys to start leaving entries on George Bush’s blog. You know, to mess with his mind.
GEORGE
(the Lord, like Death in Terry Pratchett’s novels, should always write in caps)
YOU’VE DONE QUITE ENOUGH, GEORGE. TIME TO STEP DOWN NOW, BEFORE LUCIFER AND I ARE FORCED TO FIGURE OUT SOMETHING WORSE THAN HELL.
J.
Yeah, something like that.
D.
I love Jeff Corwin
. . . with a quiet, manly kind of love. You know, the way John Ireland loved Montgomery Clift in Red River — no, wait, that’s not quite right. I dig Corwin the way Sal Mineo dug Jimmy Dean in Rebel Without a Cause . . . no, no, no, that’s not it either.
Maybe I love him the way Claude Rains loves Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca — hey, wait, you mean that’s gay, too? (See David Thomson’s essay, Film Studies: Gay films? Well there’s ‘Raging Bull’ and ‘The Godfather’ for starters…)
Well, I certainly don’t love him the way Laurence Olivier loves Tony Curtis in Spartacus, or the way Jake Gyllenhaal loves Heath Ledger in Brokeback Mountain. Damn it all, aren’t there any role models in Hollywood for good, beefy, MASCULINE love?
Hmm. Maybe I love him the way Jake Barnes loves his fishin’ buddy Bill Gorton in The Sun Also Rises. I can always count on Papa Hemingway for confidently heterosexual male-male bonding, right? Right.
Anyway, I owe this gush of enthusiasm for Jeff Corwin to my son, who found this repository of Jeff Corwin video clips. They’re all great, but we especially enjoyed Jeff’s “Never before seen movie segments!”
So, Jeff, I love ya ‘cuz your heart is in the right place, you care about animals, you’re a ham like me, and you’re funny as hell.
That and the fact you’re so damned hawt.
Jeff, I wish I knew how to quit you.
D.
P.S.: If you want a serious treatment of the history of gay themes in Hollywood cinema, you can do no better than The Celluloid Closet, 1995. Great stuff.
I’ll give her toys
Mom, Dad, do you really want to know why I never dated Jewish girls? Because I never met one like Sarah Silverman, that’s why.
All I ever met in the B’nai B’rith Youth Organization were girls who couldn’t stop talking about how much their dads made or how much their homes were worth. A BBG girl’s idea of teen success: hearing that someone half the valley away said something nice about her, and she doesn’t even know me! They were the Typhoid Marys of niceness.
Whereas Sarah, bless her heart, is nasty and funny and oh my god I need another fix of Sarah . . .
Ah, that’s better.
My eternal thanks go out to YesButNoButYes for the next two links. Don’t mean to kvetch, but this has been a mighty depressing Hannukah. Not even our temple’s Hannukah party could perk me up. I can’t do parties without Karen. Cannot, cannot, cannot. I only get more depressed. Anyway, thank you, YBNBY, for giving me a much needed laugh.
On to the linkage. If you click on nothing else, check out Sarah’s video, Give the Jew Girl Toys. I used to be a big fan of Adam Sandler’s Hannukah Song, but Adam? Sorry, bro. That animated Hannukah movie you did, it sucked big ones. Sarah’s my home girl now.
After you’ve watched Sarah dish it to Santa, if you still can’t get enough of her, check out this interview in which Sarah plays with a dreidel and eats latkes. (Thank YesButNoButYes for this one, too.)
Excuse me. I need to go search the web for all things Sarah.
D.
Ching ching
Karen’s watching Law and Order.
Again.
If I confront her on this, I know what she’ll say. “There’s nothing else on.” But I know the truth. We all know the truth, the unspeakable, shameful truth: Karen is a Law and Order addict.
A moment ago, desperate for some shred of hope, I googled support group for Law and Order addicts, and found this page. Here are some excerpts:
“but there i was, again, glued to the TV for what seems like an endless parade of episodes of Law & Order. i’m beginning to realize that you can see this wonderful, wonderful show (or one of it’s spinoffs) at almost any time during the day or night on one channel or another.”
“I wish there were something like a methadone clinic for us addicts.”
“When I found out that TNT and USA were playing different episodes at the same time, I couldn’t handle it. I cracked. I sold my baby girl into white slavery and used the money to buy a second TV.”
Okay, I made that last one up, but can we at least begin to talk about Chronic Ohrbachitis and the dreaded Waterston Ache? (Yes, it’s true: Law and Order addiction is no innocent dependency; it’s a disease.) Even CNN.com acknowledges the seriousness of this problem.
Are you an addict? Take this simple test. Read the first the first five words of the next paragraph, and then close your eyes. If you can finish the paragraph without peeking, you’re an addict.
“In the criminal justice system, [OKAY, CLOSE ‘EM!] the people are represented by two separate, yet equally-important groups — the police, who investigate crime, and the district attorneys, who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories.â€
And who, Mr. Know-it-all Unseen Voice, Mr. “I hyphenate adverb-adjective pairings,” who represents the spouses of Law and Order addicts?
Then, a few years ago, the cancer metastasized. Law and Order begat CI, CSI, SVU, SUV, FBI, IOU, and ESP. With each of these spinoffs ripping their stories fresh from the headlines, what will we do when there are no headlines left to rip?
D.
Richard Pryor, 1940-1965
Way too young to exit the stage.
Per CNN, he died of a heart attack. The CNN article has several links to video clips, including a 3 minute bit from an interview with Larry King. Check it out, and drink a toast to Richard.
Not at all clear to me whether the heart attack had anything to do with his other illness, multiple sclerosis. I can’t make a connection, but the news agencies aren’t releasing many details. I know this much: late adult onset MS is a bitch, far worse (on average) than young adult onset MS.
Here’s the Wikipedia biography on Pryor. Woefully absent is any tangible glimpse of Pryor’s humor. I hope that in the coming days, some kind folks will step forward and edit the Wiki entry to correct that deficiency.
D.
Viral Videos Part 1: Phazer blast from the past
I can’t get enough of this: a striking young Leonard Nimoy sings “The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins” while five mod hipsters provide accompaniment.
I feel a little bad for Nimoy. Typecast as Spock, his acting career never really went anywhere. IMDB has the details. Lots of voice acting, few meaty roles. I thought he was great as the prophet Samuel in the 1997 TV production David, and as pop psychologist David Kibner in the 1978 Invasion of the Body Snatchers. I hear him several times each week, whenever I play Civilization IV.
A more painful video — watch it once, and you’ll probably not feel the need to do it again: William Shatner sings “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.” He brings to the song all the subtlety and understatement he employed to great effect as James T. Kirk. Go on, watch it, and cringe.
While you’re at it, don’t forget that Nichelle Nichols (Uhura) is an accomplished vocal stylist. The Star Trek theme has words — who knew?
D.
The Ed Sullivan Show (with Jon Stewart)
Seems to me The Daily Show has been off its game* ever since Stephen Colbert fissioned off to form The Colbert Report. Jon Stewart is putting out his best effort . . . oh, boy, is he trying hard. Last night, he had on some indie duo, the White Stripes, which made me bless my mute button.
Meanwhile, The Colbert Report has sparkled all week long. He launched on Monday with string theorist Brian Greene (paraphrasing: “So, to understand string theory, I’d need to first understand quantum mechanics and relativity, right? Explain all that in thirty seconds, if you would.”) On Tuesday, author Richard Preston (The Hot Zone; The Demon in the Freezer) went into excruciating detail about the bad form of smallpox — yes, you should be thankful if you only get run-of-the-mill smallpox — and on Wednesday, Stephen had fun with Katrina vanden Heuvel, publisher of The Nation. Last night, he and Richard Clarke riffed off one another . . .
. . . and Jon Stewart gave us White Stripes.
So, what happened? Did Colbert take the best writers with him, or (my suspicion) was he one of the Daily Show’s best writers?
My advice, which I base on fifteen years experience in the nasal mucus and ear wax business: expand your talent search, Jon, both for writers and reporters. Regarding the reporters: I love Rob Corddry and Samantha Bee, but the rest of ’em are weak links.
D.
*Case in point: last night, The Daily Show played a video clip of Dubya singing with a group of carolers. Watch the guy’s lips: he didn’t know the words of a common carol.
Did the writers capitalize on this video? Nope. It played without comment.
Technorati tag: Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, the colbert report
Dream teams and novel combinations
Commuting theme music: Cowboy Junkies, 200 More Miles
Driving to work, I was (yet again) impressed by the richness of Margo Timmins’s vocals, and I thought: wouldn’t it be great to hear her produced by David Lynch’s favorite musical wonk, Angelo Badalamenti? Badalamenti did wonders for the ethereal Julee Cruise. Badalamenti + Timmins = sultry meltdown.
That thought automatically led to my other musical fantasy, 10,000 Maniacs’ Natalie Merchant produced by Nine Inch Nails’ Trent Reznor. I love Natalie’s voice, but 10,000 Maniacs’ lyrics and music make me want to take a nap. Like Margo Timmins, I just know Natalie Merchant can belt out an edgy alternative rock song.
Blogging about music is, I suspect, a no win situation, since most of my audience won’t be familiar with these artists. I would have to stick to the well known names, which, with rare exception, are people I don’t give a damn about. “Wouldn’t it be interesting if Elton John did covers of The Cure’s greatest hits?” That sort of thing. (Stomach-turning, actually, but it was the first example that came to mind.) That’s why I’ve decided to focus on cinematic pop culture for my remaining fantasy items. Feel free to post your dream combos in the comments. (more…)
The Top 100
Your morning throwaway. If you skip this blog, all you’ll miss are a handful of so-so jokes.
I saw this over at THIS!Christine‘s blog, and it looks like fun. Here are AFI’s Top 100 films. I’ve bold-faced the ones I’ve seen, with comments as the mood strikes me. Here we go!
1. CITIZEN KANE (1941) I first saw this in college because I thought it would help me get into Wendy’s pants. No go. So: does it deserve the number one spot? Naw. It’s an interesting experience, and I did base one of my characters off Kane, so I guess I don’t totally hate the movie.
2. CASABLANCA (1942) I based a whole book off this one (Karakoram, which may never see the light of day). That should tell you something.
3. THE GODFATHER (1972) Leave the gun. Take the canoli. (Oh, how I love that line.)
4. GONE WITH THE WIND (1939) Watch it, as I first did, with a room full of lesbians. You’ll never want to see it any other way.
5. LAWRENCE OF ARABIA (1962) Seven Pillars of Wisdom without the homosexuality. On a serious note, this is one of my favorites. This is Peter O’Toole’s best performance ever.
6. THE WIZARD OF OZ (1939) A film to see for cultural literacy’s sake only. I can’t see any other redeeming features.
7. THE GRADUATE (1967) Why couldn’t I have had a Mrs. Robinson?
8. ON THE WATERFRONT (1954)
9. SCHINDLER’S LIST (1993)
10. SINGIN’ IN THE RAIN (1952)
11. IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE (1946) Saw it. Don’t remember it.
12. SUNSET BOULEVARD (1950) This one is FUN from the first scene.
13. THE BRIDGE ON THE RIVER KWAI (1957) Easily one of my favorite war movies.
14. SOME LIKE IT HOT (1959)
15. STAR WARS (1977) You already know how I feel about this one.
16. ALL ABOUT EVE (1950) Didn’t make a big impression.
17. THE AFRICAN QUEEN (1951) Ditto.
18. PSYCHO (1960) Tritto. Boring, actually.
19. CHINATOWN (1974) I love so much about this movie it ain’t funny. Let’s start with Nicholson’s line, “I cut myself shaving.”
20. ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO’S NEST (1975) Saw it with GF v1.0 in high school, and I’ve never watched it since. Neither one of us was impressed.
21. THE GRAPES OF WRATH (1940)
22. 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY (1968) Oh, don’t get me fighting with my wife again over this. I thought it was a snore.
23. THE MALTESE FALCON (1941) Own it and love it. Hey, I subscribe to the Rara Avis list serve, so that oughta tell you something.
24. RAGING BULL (1980) Saw it once, never again.
25. E.T. THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL (1982) I liked it when I first saw it. That was before I developed an allergy to Steven Spielberg.
26. DR. STRANGELOVE (1964) OH YEAH! Put this one on my top 5 list.
27. BONNIE AND CLYDE (1967) Feh. Like I’m interested in some hood’s sexual problems?
28. APOCALYPSE NOW (1979) Saw it with GF v1.0 in high school. At the time (and now), I felt it compared unfavorably with Heart of Darkness. Judging it on its own merits, it’s not bad.
29. MR. SMITH GOES TO WASHINGTON (1939)
30. THE TREASURE OF THE SIERRA MADRE (1948) I don’t need to show you no steenking badges. (I love this movie, but I probably just misquoted it.)
31. ANNIE HALL (1977) Hmm. I think I saw this one with GF v1.0, too. I liked Christopher Walken’s schtick, and I loved the bit where the kids in 1st grade are telling what they did when they grew up. Surreal. Since 1980-something, I’ve been allergic to Woody Allen.
32. THE GODFATHER PART II (1974) Great stuff. You broke my heart, Fredo! And don’t miss the fan fic-turned-movie, The Freshman, with Brando playing Don Corleone yet again.
33. HIGH NOON (1952)
34. TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD (1962) Strangely, this made little impression on me.
35. IT HAPPENED ONE NIGHT (1934)
36. MIDNIGHT COWBOY (1969) I’ve only seen bits of this.
37. THE BEST YEARS OF OUR LIVES (1946)
38. DOUBLE INDEMNITY (1944) Read the book.
39. DOCTOR ZHIVAGO (1965) Chick flick. I don’t get it.
40. NORTH BY NORTHWEST (1959) Not bad, as Hitchcock goes.
41. WEST SIDE STORY (1961)
42. REAR WINDOW (1954) One of my favorite Hitchcock films.
43. KING KONG (1933)
44. THE BIRTH OF A NATION (1915) And this is on the list why?
45. A STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE (1951)
46. A CLOCKWORK ORANGE (1971) See it, as I did for the first time, with a half dozen feminists. Remember to rave about it afterwards in front of them. (I love this movie, can you tell?)
47. TAXI DRIVER (1976) Clinically interesting flick. Travis Bickle descends into paranoid schizophrenia. Why doesn’t anyone ever point that out?
48. JAWS (1975) A hateful, silly movie.
49. SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS (1937)
50. BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID (1969) Hey, I stole a scene from this for my novel-in-progress. I love this movie.
51. THE PHILADELPHIA STORY (1940)
52. FROM HERE TO ETERNITY (1953) Sand does not make a great lubricant. Nuff said.
53. AMADEUS (1984) Silly laugh, silly movie.
54. ALL QUIET ON THE WESTERN FRONT (1930)
55. THE SOUND OF MUSIC (1965) Aw, shut your von Trapp.
56. M*A*S*H (1970) I barely remember this.
57. THE THIRD MAN (1949)
58. FANTASIA (1940) Only worthwhile so you can better appreciate the jokes in Allegro non Troppo.
59. REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE (1955) I like the Griffith Park scenes. Reminds me of my childhood. I also enjoy seeing Mr. Howell in a frilly apron. How much more obvious can you get?
60. RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK (1981) I liked it pre-Spielberg allergy.
61. VERTIGO (1958) Feh. As an ear, nose, and throat doctor, I object.
62. TOOTSIE (1982) Double feh. Good concept, lousy result.
63. STAGECOACH (1939)
64. CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND (1977) Major league FEH! The worst first contact story ever.
65. THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS (1991) If you haven’t seen the original Lecktor movie, Manhunter, see it. (Yes, that’s the original spelling.) Brian Cox is 100 times creepier than that scenery-bulimic, Anthony Hopkins, and Tom Noonan’s Frances Dollarhyde achieves levels of poignancy unmatched by any villain in any movie EVER. Name me someone who even comes close.
66. NETWORK (1976) Not very memorable.
67. THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE (1962) I have to admit, Angela Lansbury’s character inspired my novel’s #1 baddy. Even Frank Sinatra couldn’t bring this movie down. The movie that inspired about a dozen Outer Limits teleplays.
68. AN AMERICAN IN PARIS (1951)
69. SHANE (1953)
70. THE FRENCH CONNECTION (1971) A highly overrated chase scene. Feh. Hackman has done much better movies. Why is this movie on the list?
71. FORREST GUMP (1994) And why is this movie on the list? A film about an idiot?
72. BEN-HUR (1959)
73. WUTHERING HEIGHTS (1939)
74. THE GOLD RUSH (1925)
75. DANCES WITH WOLVES (1990)
76. CITY LIGHTS (1931)
77. AMERICAN GRAFFITI (1973) Cool movie, but I remember Lords of Flatbush better.
78. ROCKY (1976) I can’t believe I saw this.
79. THE DEER HUNTER (1978)
80. THE WILD BUNCH (1969)
81. MODERN TIMES (1936)
82. GIANT (1956)
83. PLATOON (1986)
84. FARGO (1996) I love William Macy in this.
85. DUCK SOUP (1933) Why aren’t there more comedies on this list?
86. MUTINY ON THE BOUNTY (1935)
87. FRANKENSTEIN (1931) More brains! Fine movie, but Young Frankenstein is better.
88. EASY RIDER (1969)
89. PATTON (1970) Dove that I am, I still find this flick compelling. My dad took me to see it when I was eight!
90. THE JAZZ SINGER (1927)
91. MY FAIR LADY (1964)
92. A PLACE IN THE SUN (1951)
93. THE APARTMENT (1960) I have a dim memory of this one.
94. GOODFELLAS (1990) Ditto.
95. PULP FICTION (1994) Every generation needs its Deliverance. This is ours. Squeal like a pig!
96. THE SEARCHERS (1956) One of my favorite Westerns, but there have been better ones. Why isn’t Sergio Leone represented on this list? Once Upon a Time in America. Need I say more? Okay: High Plains Drifter.
97. BRINGING UP BABY (1938)
98. UNFORGIVEN (1992) See my comment to #96. Not a bad film, but not on my top 100 list.
99. GUESS WHO’S COMING TO DINNER (1967) What’s up with Sydney Poitier’s girlfriend in this movie? Is she brain dead? Aside from that, I’ve always considered this movie a guilty pleasure.
100. YANKEE DOODLE DANDY (1942)